Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
I was trying to reshape the border of my back yard when my neighbours fence fell over...
People ask me why I keep bring my sled to places like yard sales and the flea market
I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!
What does the 50 yard line and a toilet have in common?
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
(I'm not a dad but I came up with this one last year and have been dying to share it.)
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December
Just heard some pretty sad news about yard sticks
Did you know they aren't making yard sticks any longer?
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path
I found a cool rock in my father-in-law's yard. FIL- Oh that's a native American fertility stone. Me- Really! How can you tell? FIL- ....
My friend was explaining at length about how he was digging holes in his back yard for water.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard
I’m not a huge fan of the bark
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yard.
What does Tony Hawk use to landscape his yard?
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
I have a back yard like Greta Garbo
My neighbor asked “what was with your yard?” I said “you mean our yard”
I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....
Those were the GOODYEARS.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
A mafia boss hired a hitman to take down a few pines in his front yard
The hitman asked: 'what do you want me to do after the job is done?'
The mafia boss replied: 'I want you to go bury tree bodies.'
My neighbour with big boobs was gardening topless in their yard again...
I just wish his wife would come out with him
I'm heartbroken since my Dog was stolen last week from our yard.
Police haven't found any leads yet.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew i couldn’t turn that down.
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20
Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know”
I made a graph of all the animals I've observed pooping in my yard.
Do you all remember being in the back yard and dad pushing you in the tire swing?
Yesterday I had a 10-point, an 8-point, and a 4-point buck in my yard at the same time.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I caught my delivery driver dropping a turd in my yard today.
When asked to leave a review I gave him a number 2
How do you make the bugs in your yard pay rent?
The neighbour's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
If I grow peppers from other countries in my back yard
Is it horticultural appropriation?
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash...
He's better off in the long run.
We tried planting some herbs in the back yard.
The basil has done fine, the other died. I turned to my wife and said, “well, there’s no thyme in quarantine!”
My son went crazy running around the neighborhood breaking small twigs in everyone's yard one night...
I thought I found a dinosaur bone in my back yard
... but it was a fossil arm.
I saw some dead batteries at a yard sale.
When I asked how much, the lady said they were free of charge.
Little Johnny was going door to door asking his neighbors if they needed any yard work done.
When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.
With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.
Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.
“All finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!
Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.
“Now little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?
“I sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!
How many feet in a yard?
Depends on how many people are standing in it.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
Why does Homelander ("superhero") have to be careful not to jostle his milk?
He knows milkshakes bring The Boys to the yard.
Hopefully you're familiar with the comic/show
A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week.
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
Today someone has stolen a rock which measures 1760 yards in length.
That must be some kind of milestone
So I heard they are not making yard sticks any longer.
Just 3 feet and no longer.
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