I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...

...talking to the wine."

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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My wife asked if I wanted wine with dinner. I said sure. She said, do you want a stem or stemless glass?

"Doesn't matter to me, I am bi-stemual".

Absolute silence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WTP07
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?

Because i wanted tequila.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hengeek
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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I trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

He's a bordeaux collie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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My wife took me to dinner tonight. She looked at my empty wine glass and asked if I’d like another one.

Why would I want two empty wine glasses.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beardmaster-flash
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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What did the glass of wine say to the beer?

Nothing... They barley knew each other.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/W1GHTY
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.

She says she loves being carded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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What kind of wine goes in a broken glass?

Chardonnay

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThriveBrewing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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Me while pouring a glass of wine: "Do you know why it's coming out so slowly?"

Wife: ? Me: "There's a bottle neck."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yossyrian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
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At my job, someone left a glass of wine outside overnight, and some flies had flown into it and died. I called it a Vino's Flytrap.

Nobody laughed :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamlet7768
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2017
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Asked my dad to pour me a little glass of wine... imgur.com/GtiIygi
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
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Why wouldn't the Islamic Terrorist drink the glass of wine?

Because it was a Zinfandel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/intelligentleman2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
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My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...

...but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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My son asked why my friends and I had little birds on our wine glasses

I told him so I knew which one was mine. He told me they should be owls instead. β€œWhy?” I asked β€œSo you’d know whose whose”

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
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My family was doing the dinner dishes together and our mum was washing the dishes in the sink. She asked β€œcould you guys load the dishwasher please?”

So my dad brought her a glass of wine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mossata
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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I cringed even my dad out with this joke

I asked him, "Hey Dad, did you hear about the wine that was so good that it could kill?"

"No," he replied.

I point towards the glass of wine that's been used as a fly catcher for the past week

"I guess you could say they were dropping like flies..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hairy_Swinger
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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A man takes his wife to an unusual restaurant where you must stand in separate lines for each food item ...

As they sit down, the husband offers to go get their dinner. First he waits in line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. He he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and even the gravy line.

He finally returns to the table with two heaping plates of food. β€œWhat would you like to drink?” he asks.

β€œA glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So off he goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, a line for milk, even a line for water. After considering all of his options he gives up and returns to the table empty-handed.

Sometimes there is no punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Curmudgeon1836
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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Dadjoked my girlfriend at dinner.

So we were eating dinner tonight, which is a rare treat because our work hours don't leave much overlapping free time. I had a dark glass with white wine with dinner. She asked what I was drinking, and I decided to recall a friend's joke.

Gf: boss_ginger, what are you drinking? Me: Oh, just water. Do you want it? I can pour another glass. Gf: Please, thank you. takes sip ... Gf: This is wine... Me: Raises hands into the air, leans back in chair Praise the LORD and his miracles!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boss_ginger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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I was in a restaurant...

"Could I interest you with a bottle of wine?" the waiter asked me.

I said, "No, just a glass, please."

Two minutes he returned. He said, "Here's your wine, sir."

I said, "Take it back, I only wanted a glass, remember."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
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In need of Rose puns

For a silent auction for a non-profit I'm helping with they need rose puns/play on words for the packages. It's a wine event as well. Here are some of the ideas I've figured out as well. Whine and Rows? Rose Colored Glasses Rose and Shone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acer5886
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2016
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Breakfast dad joke

My GF asked for toast this morning while getting ready for work, I came back with a wine glass, hitting it with a fork.

She even posted the event on Facebook and my dad apologized to her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mastawyrm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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So I'm texting this girl that I've been seeing

Currently watching the movie Straight Outta Compton while texting this girl that I have a date with tomorrow night.

She mentioned that she is drinking a glass of wine but put a bunch of ice in it. Six big cubes.

I responded with "wow 6 ice cubes? This movie that I'm watching only has one ice cube in it"

She laughed. Looks like our future's set.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrDeez444
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2016
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The dad is strong in this one

My wife is a wine drinker; while putting away dishes, I held one up and told my wife, "Your wine glasses are a pain in the ass".

Our youngest son promptly chimed in with "You mean a pain in the glass?!"

Moments like this make a dad proud. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckrockuhtree
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2016
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Grandad joked last night...

My grandad comes over for a glass of wine or two every monday and he pours a glass and says to me

"oh, do you want a glass?"

i said "no thanks, i'm not much of a wine person"

to which he replied "but you whine all the time..."

he bested me this time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebenprocter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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The time my Dad went above and beyond the call of duty, at a formal dinner party

Picture this.

A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.

My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.

This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."

My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"

Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"

My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"

I've never been more proud of him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rolloxan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Drinking wine with my parents when my dad duped me

My dad asked my mother to pour him another glass. She poured the wine the same way you would pour water into a bottle, but it is common knowledge that you must tilt the wine glass for a proper pour.

Me: "Aren't you supposed to pour it on an angle?"

Dad: "Why yes, how else would the wine come out?"

I nodded and silently wished I could be half the man he is one day.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitharris
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
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Just got my wife with a twofer.

Wife: Could you get me some wine?

Me: BUTTTTTT WHHHHHYYYYYYYY?

Wife (Now giving me "that" look): Could you get me a glass of Mia, please?

Me: A glass of your-a what?

My wife just gave me the death glare after that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gaderael
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2015
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Got my wife on a regular ol Tuesday night.

She had left the room and I moved her wine glass to make room for folding laundry. She returned and asked, "Where'd my glass go?" So I gave my slyest wink and said, "Scotland?" ...She thought that was so hilarious and awesome she *showered me with sweet love late into the night. *(or she groaned and rolled her eyes and we folded laundry while watching Seinfeld reruns)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chronstoppable
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
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Needles to say nobody but him laughed

So my mom just told my dad easy on the wine.

His response was puring wine into the glass slower. Classic dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VIERMEX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
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Coworker got dad joked when explaining how he cuts his hair

Coworker 1: I will usually drink a few glasses of wine, then shave my head.

Coworker 2: oh so you do a buzzcut

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buchanan_
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2014
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My mom asked me if I wanted a glass of wine. I said to her β€œwine not”
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ATMiceli
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It's a Bordeaux collie.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huse789
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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