A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing β€œDon’t stop Believing”.

It was an unexpected Journey.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do the people of Athens not wake up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheezzlez
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does my wife rub her eyes when she wakes up?

Because she has no balls to scratch

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mitalily
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Some days I wake up grumpy

But most days I let her sleep

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anvesh_parab
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Amazon package wake up in a bathtub full of ice?

Because it was de-livered.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes, I wake up grumpy.

Sometimes, she wakes me up.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Legitimate-Hair
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?

You po-po-po-poke her face!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A sheep wakes up to find that she's at a completely different farm.

None of the other sheep seem alarmed, so she goes and asks another sheep what's going on.

"Oh, haven't you herd?"

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slekrons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning, I wake up to find someone has dumped a box of play doh in front of my door.

I don’t know what to make of it.

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did anyone wake up Green Day?

Hi, I was specifically requested on this day, October 1st, to wake up Green Day. Did anyone wake up Green Day?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Solace_sys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Bilbo Baggins wakes up to hear β€œI’m a Loser Baby” for the third day in a row.

It was There and Beck again.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maxgroover
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
As a pilot in the Navy I have to wake up early in the morning

You know, for my morning portie.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/siddharths067
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A bloke wakes up in hospital after an operation and shouts "Doctor I cant feel my legs"

The doctor said i know we chopped your arms off.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?

Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.

πŸ‘︎ 326
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leapbaby1984
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?

To beat the crowd.

Edit: All credit goes to u/AleoMoorea, who posted it here.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMasonX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do I always cry when I wake up?

It’s too early in the mourning!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/papserk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do ants drink when they wake up?

Ground coffee

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What time do ducks wake up?

At the quack of dawn!

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
*Wakes up with ear infection*

Bat: I'M BLIIIIIND

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
An alcoholic wakes up in prison

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timeforclock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
COVID-19 has brought new meaning to β€œWake up and SMELL the coffee.”
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A lawyer wakes up after surgery

He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn.

She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone just arrested my friend’s dad, and he won’t wake up.

It was cardiac.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/davidwon06
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was on a family vacation in Japan when I slept in one day. My dad flung open my door and told me to wake up. I said, β€œDad, what do you think this is?...

...the Land of the Rising Son?”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Campagnolo412
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do Portland Police officers wake up so early in the morning? /r/Portland/comments/i31t…
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Panopticon75
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the first thing you say when you wake up in Utah?

Good mormon.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonsalas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I love getting intimate in the bed when we wake up..

Good moaning

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stent_kush
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
In what country do they wake all the dads early on Father’s Day?

Papa No Grinny.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Every night I put my cellphone in charging and I wake up finding it in another room.

Probably it's mobile.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/geeky_or_nerdy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you tell yourself when you wake up with fever and realize you are late for work?

Self, I so late.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the first thing you should do tomorrow if you wake up a billionaire?

Apologize profusely

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A baker’s son wakes up in the hospital with no legs.

The father asked him if he was feeling sad.

The boy said no I deserved this I got too into the breadmaking and lost my cool.

The man sat back in his chair perplexed even more.

He asked him ok but why did you need them?

The boy looked confused.

Everyone needs them, to walk to run and to play.

No but why the fuck did you knead them?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/distantcurtis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
🚨︎ report
A guy wakes up from surgery. "How'd it go, Doc?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg...

The good news is that your other leg is all better."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Heinz-enberg_
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you wake someone up from cryogenic sleep?

Cracking open a cold one

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeeGhastly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to wake her up.. but she’s so purrsistent
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ellaAir
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?

A depresso

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/farrukhsshah
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
How warm is the gunk in your eyes after you wake up?

About rheum temperature

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pappybrubs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to β€œDon’t stop Believing”.

It was an unexpected Journey.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How do wake Lady Gaga?

Poker face

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rainreset
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning after I wake up, I find that someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I wake up grumpy some mornings...

But usually I let her sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?

Dawn is tough on Greece.

πŸ‘︎ 153
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drunk3nMonkey5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do the riot police wake up so early?

To beat the crowds.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smliccia
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheezzlez
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you wake up lady gaga?

Poker face

πŸ‘︎ 184
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Conviction666
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?

Because Dawn is tough on greece.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoesNutSakic15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report

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