A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing βDonβt stop Believingβ.
It was an unexpected Journey.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
Why do the people of Athens not wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
π︎ 66
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
Why does my wife rub her eyes when she wakes up?
Because she has no balls to scratch
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
Some days I wake up grumpy
But most days I let her sleep
π︎ 35
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
Why did the Amazon package wake up in a bathtub full of ice?
Because it was de-livered.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
Sometimes, I wake up grumpy.
Sometimes, she wakes me up.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
You po-po-po-poke her face!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
A sheep wakes up to find that she's at a completely different farm.
None of the other sheep seem alarmed, so she goes and asks another sheep what's going on.
"Oh, haven't you herd?"
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I donβt know what to make of it.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 04 2020
Every morning, I wake up to find someone has dumped a box of play doh in front of my door.
I donβt know what to make of it.
π︎ 73
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
Did anyone wake up Green Day?
Hi, I was specifically requested on this day, October 1st, to wake up Green Day. Did anyone wake up Green Day?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
Bilbo Baggins wakes up to hear βIβm a Loser Babyβ for the third day in a row.
It was There and Beck again.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
As a pilot in the Navy I have to wake up early in the morning
You know, for my morning portie.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
A bloke wakes up in hospital after an operation and shouts "Doctor I cant feel my legs"
The doctor said i know we chopped your arms off.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
π︎ 326
π
︎ Apr 26 2020
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?
To beat the crowd.
Edit: All credit goes to u/AleoMoorea, who posted it here.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 23 2019
Why do I always cry when I wake up?
Itβs too early in the mourning!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
What do ants drink when they wake up?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
What time do ducks wake up?
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
*Wakes up with ear infection*
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 28 2020
An alcoholic wakes up in prison
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," replies the officer.
"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
COVID-19 has brought new meaning to βWake up and SMELL the coffee.β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
A lawyer wakes up after surgery
He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn.
She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 13 2020
Someone just arrested my friendβs dad, and he wonβt wake up.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
I was on a family vacation in Japan when I slept in one day. My dad flung open my door and told me to wake up. I said, βDad, what do you think this is?...
...the Land of the Rising Son?β
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 20 2020
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
Whatβs the first thing you say when you wake up in Utah?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
My wife and I love getting intimate in the bed when we wake up..
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
In what country do they wake all the dads early on Fatherβs Day?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
Every night I put my cellphone in charging and I wake up finding it in another room.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
What do you tell yourself when you wake up with fever and realize you are late for work?
π︎ 25
π
︎ Mar 20 2020
What's the first thing you should do tomorrow if you wake up a billionaire?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Mar 30 2020
A bakerβs son wakes up in the hospital with no legs.
The father asked him if he was feeling sad.
The boy said no I deserved this I got too into the breadmaking and lost my cool.
The man sat back in his chair perplexed even more.
He asked him ok but why did you need them?
The boy looked confused.
Everyone needs them, to walk to run and to play.
No but why the fuck did you knead them?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 21 2020
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow Iβm returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Nov 14 2018
A guy wakes up from surgery. "How'd it go, Doc?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg...
The good news is that your other leg is all better."
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 12 2020
What do you call it when you wake someone up from cryogenic sleep?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
I tried to wake her up.. but sheβs so purrsistent
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 12 2020
What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 14 2019
How warm is the gunk in your eyes after you wake up?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 21 2020
Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to βDonβt stop Believingβ.
It was an unexpected Journey.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
How do wake Lady Gaga?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
Every morning after I wake up, I find that someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO on my front porch.
I donβt know what to make of it.
π︎ 58
π
︎ Jul 25 2020
I wake up grumpy some mornings...
But usually I let her sleep.
π︎ 35
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
π︎ 153
π
︎ Jun 02 2020
Why do the riot police wake up so early?
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jun 16 2020
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
π︎ 67
π
︎ Feb 29 2020
How do you wake up lady gaga?
π︎ 184
π
︎ Oct 01 2019
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jan 21 2020
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