He should have dated Miss Universe
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIronPumpkin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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I hope that the universe keeps on expanding forever so all the heat runs out some day. It means that eventually things are gonna be 0 K
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B_Baerbel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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Why did they build the university on a mountain?

It was a place of higher learning.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperGrandPatzer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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First time I bought a universal remote....

....I said to myself, "This changes everything."

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it?

Gravy.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bjlind718
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
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In an alternate universe, Hercules was a girl.

Her name was Himcules

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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I was watching Across the Universe and got thinking about how much each actor made

I’m sure Dr. Robert did it pro Bono, though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cathbad09
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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Have you heard the news that Liberty University is suing the founder’s son and former university president?

That Jerry doesn’t Fall Well.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WCBrann
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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What do you call a neon sheep in the Star Wars universe?

A day-glo baa.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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I was going to join the debating team at University...

But I was talked out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adfunk101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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I got arrested at NASA.

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!

Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonnyabcde
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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Tae Kwon Donkey (The Ass that kicks back) And Crab Maga (The Krav Maga crab that doesn’t just talk crab, he backs it up). Figured this community of punsters would appreciate the universe we are creating on Patreon. reddit.com/gallery/lgzbtq
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KicksandStrings
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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What would Hitler be called if he graduated from an Ivy League university?

A nein out of Penn

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XxSaint_JimmyxX
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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The universe implodes

No matter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beej2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Tell a man there are three hundred billion stars in the universe, and he believes you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he has to touch it to be sure.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, β€œWhat happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, β€œSorry. There is no Time.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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Why did the marsupial go to university?

To get a koalafication

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rickyburrito
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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I went to University to study to be a doctor.

Unfortunately, I had to drop out. I just didn't have the patients.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EastlyGod1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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When I went to university in the early 80's I decided to do my thesis on procrastination.

I guess I should really get around to starting it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparkei1ca
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter

I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itmightbedave
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Does France ban any activities for its universal healthcare?

I can't imagine the Pierre pressure it would cause...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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What is capital city of universe

University

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeriousDirt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.

I Am Grout

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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I called my wife 'Miss Universe' last night.

"Is it because I'm so beautiful?" she asked

"NO, It's because you're constantly expanding."

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the valet hate working in an alternate universe?

Because it was all parallel parking!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GravyxNips
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Have you ever wondered why the winner of all the Miss Universe contest...

...always came from Earth ?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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What did the bull say to his son leaving for university?

β€œBison”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Eegee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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If M&M's go to university....

Do they become Smarties.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Mart Mc Fly traveling into the Star Wars universe be like,

Man, De Lorain

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peterd3d
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Everything was fine until I got a universal remote

It changed everything

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I got myself a universal remote control

And man, it changes everything.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LMF5000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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After watching Hubie Halloween I realized that every Adam Sandler movie takes place in the same universe.

Unfortunately, it's the one we live in.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/csteelatgburg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.

I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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An idiot graduating from university…

…is known as a baka-laureate.

/Oh I'm such a weeb

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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I almost made a huge mistake applying to Rice University.

I'm really a meat and potatoes kind of guy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdmpersson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, I thought to myself,

this changes everything

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/well_I_swan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do circles spend so long at university?

It's not easy getting 360 degrees!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midget_clown
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't Mike Tyson live in the Star Wars universe?

Because it's inhothpitable.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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Columbia University Marching Band shuts itself down.

Yes, they Dis-Banded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NewArborist64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A blind man walks into a bar

Then he walks into a table

Then he walks into a table leg

Then he walks into wood

Then he walks into wood cells

Then he walks into wood DNA

Then he walks into a molecule

Then he walks into a atom

Then he walks into a qwark

Then he walks into a cosmic string

Then he walks into a multiverse

Then he walks into a universe

Then he walks into a galactic supercluster

Then he walks into a galaxy

Then he walks into a stellar system

Then he walks into a planet

Then he walks into a continent

Then he walks into a country

Then he walks into a region

Then he walks into a city

Then he walks into a street

Then he walks into a bar

ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES ANDTHECYCLECONTINUES

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Arab_Obama_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Was fixing the universe hard for the Hulk?

No. It was a snap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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I got a 3.9 GPA at Trump University

in other words, I graduated MAGA cum laude

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wxmatt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe

but if you remove it, you get gravy.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Gravity, one of the most basic forces in the Universe. But then again, if you remove it...

You still have Gravy

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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Gravity's one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it?

Gravy.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report

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