In an alternate universe, Hercules was a girl.

Her name was Himcules

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Tae Kwon Donkey (The Ass that kicks back) And Crab Maga (The Krav Maga crab that doesn’t just talk crab, he backs it up). Figured this community of punsters would appreciate the universe we are creating on Patreon. reddit.com/gallery/lgzbtq
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KicksandStrings
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Tell a man there are three hundred billion stars in the universe, and he believes you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he has to touch it to be sure.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the marsupial go to university?

To get a koalafication

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rickyburrito
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, β€œWhat happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, β€œSorry. There is no Time.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to University to study to be a doctor.

Unfortunately, I had to drop out. I just didn't have the patients.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EastlyGod1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
When I went to university in the early 80's I decided to do my thesis on procrastination.

I guess I should really get around to starting it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparkei1ca
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Does France ban any activities for its universal healthcare?

I can't imagine the Pierre pressure it would cause...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter

I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itmightbedave
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What is capital city of universe

University

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SeriousDirt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.

I Am Grout

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe

but if you remove it, you get gravy.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the valet hate working in an alternate universe?

Because it was all parallel parking!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GravyxNips
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I called my wife 'Miss Universe' last night.

"Is it because I'm so beautiful?" she asked

"NO, It's because you're constantly expanding."

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you ever wondered why the winner of all the Miss Universe contest...

...always came from Earth ?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the bull say to his son leaving for university?

β€œBison”

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Eegee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Mart Mc Fly traveling into the Star Wars universe be like,

Man, De Lorain

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Peterd3d
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
If M&M's go to university....

Do they become Smarties.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
In an alternate universe, George Michael had an allergy to chocolate

He was killed by a careless Wispa

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Saltedpretzel64
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Everything was fine until I got a universal remote

It changed everything

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I got myself a universal remote control

And man, it changes everything.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LMF5000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
After watching Hubie Halloween I realized that every Adam Sandler movie takes place in the same universe.

Unfortunately, it's the one we live in.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/csteelatgburg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a new girlfriend named Ursula. She’s my whole universe...

She’s my univ-ursula πŸͺβœ¨

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I almost made a huge mistake applying to Rice University.

I'm really a meat and potatoes kind of guy.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jdmpersson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.

I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.

πŸ‘︎ 283
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I wrote an epic poem with only one line.

It's in celebration of the universe.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, I thought to myself,

this changes everything

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/well_I_swan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do circles spend so long at university?

It's not easy getting 360 degrees!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/midget_clown
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't Mike Tyson live in the Star Wars universe?

Because it's inhothpitable.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Columbia University Marching Band shuts itself down.

Yes, they Dis-Banded.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NewArborist64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Was fixing the universe hard for the Hulk?

No. It was a snap.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Harvard University just ran a study proving 74% of the countries have flawed dams and it was dismissed

because it didnt hold water

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amigodojaspion
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a 3.9 GPA at Trump University

in other words, I graduated MAGA cum laude

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wxmatt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I showed my dad marble racing on YouTube...

He asked me if it takes place in the Marble Cinematic Universe

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pandamana
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
There's not just leap years. A leap second is a one-second adjustment that is occasionally applied to Coordinated Universal Time (UTC)! Without it, GPS wouldn't work! Want me to really blow your mind?

There's also leap-frogs.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone out there worried about the Universe ever imploding..?

...no matter

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Orions belt does not have the best reviews in the universe...

...cause it only has a three star rating!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The end.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrValdez
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been to a parallel universe where oranges don’t exist, but my friends won’t believe me.

I guess they think it’s pulp fiction.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daddyflextape
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Car
πŸ‘︎ 273
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scaharz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Gravity, one of the most basic forces in the Universe. But then again, if you remove it...

You still have Gravy

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Gravity's one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it?

Gravy.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
The first time I bought a universal remote control...

...I thought to myself "This changes everything."

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a universal remote for Christmas. This changes everything.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidus_somniorum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought to myself "Well, this changes everything"

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.