My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital. “Two EMTs?” I asked her...
...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?
I just saw two birds flying side by side into the courthouse.
I think they’re called “paraleagles.”
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies ?
two exes were tied together by a string but it broke
guess there was too much tension between them
What did the two-by-four say to the cement?
"I'm board!"
The cement responded, saying "that joke leaves me mortar-fied."
What can you make shorter by adding two letters?
It occurred to me today that I would have loved to see two of my favorite bands from the 90s, led respectively by David Usher and Gavin Rossdale, on the same ticket. The sign on the theatre would have been epic.
My daughter got two-by-four plank ear adornments.
Is this a new trend, girls getting studs in their ears?
Two tomatoes crossed the street. One got squashed by a car, the other one passed it and said:
Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.
The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.
It was a ham bush
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Two chefs are working on a meal, the first chef is caramelising onions when some spill out the pan, the second chef says “what happened? Onions can’t jump by themselves”
the first chef responds with “they can if they’re spring onions”
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters...
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins...
My son just played "Don't Break The Ice" by himself with two hammers and exclaimed "I won!"
To which I replied "but on the other hand, you lost"
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
If the United States annexed all of Canada and multiplied it’s area by two, what would you get?
I've only got three albums in my collection. Two by Meatloaf and one by Michael Jackson.
Two out of three ain't Bad
Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.
They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.
Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.
The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.
Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.
The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, “Now you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams “Tria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. “What did you say” asked the chief. “Tria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.
“Holy shit” said Bob “What did you just say and how did you know it would work?”
“Well” said Frank, “my Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”
Just started listening to a podcast hosted by two chemical engineers.
Most of what they say goes over my head, but they gave great chemistry.
Two carbons walk into a bar together, they had a few drinks and really liked each other by the end of it.
I drove by two First Baptist Churches today.
Got dad joked by my two year old.
Walked into the kitchen with my hammer to hang something up, "What's that, Daddy?"
"It's a hammer, buddy."
"What are you going to ham?"
two pig get pulled over by police
I just had two colleagues play "Bicycle Race" by Queen at the same time.
I told them it was nice to hear them working in tandem with each other.
What do you get when you divide thirty-two by two?
Another day older and a-deeper in debt.
A man was murdered by two men claiming to be "Redditors."
The authorities are calling it "death by Snoo Snoo."
I just crashed my car in a lane between two houses -- one owned by Mr. and Mrs. Ball, and one owned by Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Thank god I was dragged out by the Smiths.
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
A Spanish man was crushed to death by a falling "two".
Hugh McScary, and no one else, was able to shut down a flower shop being ran by two belfry workers.
This comes to show that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
A man was getting squished by two pieces of glass.
What do you call getting squeezed by two llamas?
I angered two people by callling them hipsters.......
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same...
Then you’ll have a match...
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters...
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins...
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
As my son was heading out to go camping, I advised him, "If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same."
"Then you’ll have a match!"
A bicycle can’t stand by itself, because it is two tired
I angered two people today by calling them "hipsters"
I guess the term "conjoined twins" is what they prefer.
LPT: If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same.
Then you’ll have a match.
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