Our captain is a terrible tour guide

He’s always telling people to come on bored

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saucyminnow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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Who is the official tour guide for the Vatican?

Cardinal Directions

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamesNBooks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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While taking a fall foliage tour through Canada last year, our guide asked us what we thought of their trees.

I told him they look oak-eh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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While taking a tour of a college campus, the tour guide mentioned that the school was surrounded by three different cemeteries.

Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?

Me: What?? Why not?

Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lind-zayy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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The tour guide says...

...Thank you for visiting the two-wheeled, self-balancing personal transporter museum today; I hope you had a good time. Speaking of good times, check out the food court and gift shop before you leave.

Me: That's a Segway

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dlveazie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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I dad joked my tour guide today

She was showing me around a class and the different stuff that they do. A table she was showing me had a light in it and helps line stuff up

Her: "This is what we call a light table."

Me: "It looks pretty heavy to me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LetsNotPlay
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2014
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I applied for a job as a Shakespeare tour guide

But never made it past the Onbarding process.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrRubber
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2017
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My tour guide just did this dadjoke

So we were in glenwood springs and went into the caves. It seemed like a really normal tour and just as we're about to exit, the guide tells us to put our ears on the wall of the cave. We all did assuming it was some cool feature of the cave. The guide asks us what we think we're listening to. Some reply water and others reply erosion. The guide tells us we're wrong and all we're doing is listening to hard rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sohamtamhane
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2015
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A class of students is taking a tour of a cheese factory. The tour guide is showing the kids where the cheese is made, when suddenly a worker operating a forklift loses control and the vehicle goes hurtling towards the visitors. The worker screams:

"Get out of the whey!!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lyonhart31
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
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Where do museum tour guides go after they're dead?

The Curatorium

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
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Dad joking the tour guide

After finishing the tour of the majority of the Dallas Cowboys stadium, the guide told us to "feel free to roam around the field."

Me: "Are we allowed to Romo 'round the field?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebro0
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2014
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overhead from a campus tour guide

"Sorry to get cheesy on you guys, but we are in Wisconsin" I groaned as I walked by.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/presentEgo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2014
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I had a guided tour of some cliffs today

the persons name was richard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/endangeredpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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[need for help] Pun experts, share the best pun you know about academia/professors/education/writing for grants. Any help deeply appreciated!

EDIT: We plan to place it on the mug as a gift, so it should be relatively short

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Took my kids to the circus.

They especially enjoyed watching the clowns.

We won a backstage tour after the show, and happened to notice that all the people who were tallying up the tickets and sales were dressed as clowns, and happened to be little people...but none of them had been in the performances. When I asked the tour guide why they were dressed up even though they weren’t in the show, he replied, β€œDon’t you know? It’s the little jesters that count”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schoonerw
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Paddy and his wife are on holiday in England visiting Historical Sites.

"This is where the Magna Carta was signed," said the tour guide, "One the most important documents in English History."

"When was it signed?" asked Paddy.

"1215," said the tour guide.

"OH NO!" said Paddy, "We missed it by 10 minutes!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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College Tour Dad Joke

Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building.

A mom asked β€œIs this Nursing school harder to get into than others?”

Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying β€œNah, the door’s not that heavy”

Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksplosiveness
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...

Tour guide said β€œHello, my name is Eileen.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MobileBrowns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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What did Mrs. Clause say to Santa Clause on Christmas Eve?

β€œWatch our for the rain, dear.”

-a tour guide earlier today

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnonymousCat21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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At the zoo i said a mildly innapropriate Dad Joke to my wife and 12 year old son.

The zoo tour guide told us that one of the snakes was sick. I blurted out "he must have a reptile dysfunction".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aceoftrachs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
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A couple is touring Moscow...

The husband looks at the cloudy sky and says "It looks like rain" His wife says, "No, it's just cloudy." Their tour guide, a Communist officer named Rudolph, overhears them and says "It will definitely rain." Sure enough, a few minutes later, the heavens open and the tour group runs for cover from the downpour. The husband turns to his wife and says "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glyph-bellchime
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
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Took a tour of the Federal Reserve the other day.

The tour guid told an offensive joke about pesos, so I started to leave. He said "stop that was not what I mint"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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Heard this one on a trolley in Boston...

The tour guide was telling us about the Boston molasses disaster, or as he called it…the Boston molassacre!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ldawg092498
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2012
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Paradise Island

I was just on vacation in the Bahamas and took a tour boat to Paradise Island. The guide told us it used to be called Hog Island because of all the pigs, but it wasn't a very attractive name.

To solve the hog problem so the island could be developed, the locals killed them all and had a giant barbeque.

One could say they went hog wild. I hear at the barbeque they really pigged out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rasamson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2015
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Too often my dad makes shitty jokes like this

We were taking a tour of a university and for the accomodation part of the tour they had a "demo" room so it was completely open plan and you could see everything. My dad asks the tour guide quite loudly "Do the actual rooms come with walls?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jk1993
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
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In Salem, MA doing a Witch Tour and Dad pulls this one...

Guide: I love questions, so at any point on the tour feel free to ask!

Me: Witches are part of the Wicca religion, correct? (Having little knowledge of it)

Dad: Don't ask the guide, look it up on....wiccapedia. Get it?

Tour guide laughs and I facepalm.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
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Dad-joked my college tour group.

Last Saturday, I took a tour of a small private college with my mom and a friend who is considering going there. At one point in the tour, the tour guide begins to discuss her humanities classes that she took. One of them in particular was a class on Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy, and she then began to mention her favorite part of the class was studying Inferno.

I then responded with, "Gee, I bet that was a hell of a class."

Groans and laughter then proceeded to consume the tour group, and the tour guide herself began to giggle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EPIDIDYMIS_HUMMUS
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
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My dad told this one to a bunch of tourists:

So for some background, my dad's a tour guide in the UK and he was showing a group round Hampton Court Palace and in the gardens there's this maze. This is the text he just sent me:

>Dad joke at Hampton Court Maze - I have fine memories of Hampton Court Maze. I used to bring my children here...... If you see them could you send them home!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patchoolible
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2014
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It's all in the enunciation

We were on a tour in China and at dinner, a guide announced that for the trip into the desert the next day they were going to dig us some make-shift restrooms.

My dad leans over to me and says "Ohhhhh, make-shift!" and we both lost it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tRNA92
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/washcapsfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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As i get older and remember all the people ive lost along the way, I think...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joemiley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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