I was out on a safari when i saw this big, fat, grey animal limping painfully toward a muddy pond. I asked the tour guide if it was injured...

He said, "No, it's just a hip-hurt-potamus"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pthelynese
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
A comprehensive guide to take your Dad joke to the next level...

Tell it upstairs.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dylanmeanttosay
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
From my kids... Would you like a guide to falling down the stairs.

Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 9...

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SolarGuy55
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can hire a guide to take you through the labyrinth in sixty seconds?

It's a minute tour.

πŸ‘︎ 178
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Who is the official tour guide for the Vatican?

Cardinal Directions

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GamesNBooks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
While taking a tour of a college campus, the tour guide mentioned that the school was surrounded by three different cemeteries.

Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?

Me: What?? Why not?

Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lind-zayy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The tour guide says...

...Thank you for visiting the two-wheeled, self-balancing personal transporter museum today; I hope you had a good time. Speaking of good times, check out the food court and gift shop before you leave.

Me: That's a Segway

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dlveazie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
It was a sunny day out on the lake. I'd forgotten my cap. Luckily, I had a flyer from the local department store. I folded it into a hat with a shade for my eyes, thus making it easier to guide the boat without crashing it.

It made a good ad visor.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I was on a safari in Africa when one of the tourists asked our guide, β€œIs it difficult to spot cheetahs?”

He said, β€œNo, they usually come that way.”

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Douglas Adams finished writing the first chapter of A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

He thought, β€œFinally! I put A Dent in that book!”

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
After looking at the galactic traveller's guide, I was shocked by our solar system's rating.

We only had one star.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wyxlor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
From The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

β€œYou know,” said Arthur, β€œit’s at times like this, when I’m trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was young.” β€œWhy, what did she tell you?” β€œI don’t know, I didn’t listen.”

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/user120300
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
🚨︎ report
The front of an FDA guide on marijuana

FDA Regulation of Marijuana: Past Actions, Future Plans Douglas C. Throckmorton, M.D. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) ICSB/ASP Joint Meeting April 12, 2016


A Joint meeting on marijuana...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
🚨︎ report
The first million people to send me a million dollars, will get a copy of my guide.

Of how to become a millionaire from Reddit.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StevenBosc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What Do Internet Guides Do When They Show You Around The Deep Web?

They give you a TOR!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BluPurpleBluBlu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw a book "A Guide to Dying Alone". It looked interesting untill I read the first few pages.

it was about doing your own hair colour.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/v_cleaner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
🚨︎ report
A class of students is taking a tour of a cheese factory. The tour guide is showing the kids where the cheese is made, when suddenly a worker operating a forklift loses control and the vehicle goes hurtling towards the visitors. The worker screams:

"Get out of the whey!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lyonhart31
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
🚨︎ report
How to do the stud finder joke - a step by step guide (may not work for all models of stud finder)

Discovered this today while hanging a curtain rod.

I am using the zircon one step stud finder, seen here http://m.acehardware.com//product/index.jsp?productId=1298011&KPID=997266&cid=CAPLA:G:Shopping_-Measuring_Tools/Marking_Tools-_New&pla=pla_997266&k_clickid=21a0e1ae-1f94-44cd-b27e-a6a83ba1fdc1

Begin by using the stud finder to locate a stud as normal. Release the button.

Lift the stud finder off the wall slightly and press the button. This will help calibrate the stud finder to "empty space", making it think that any hard surface is a stud.

Quickly place the stud finder on your chest, onto your breastbone, the stud finder should beep indicating it is on a stud.

Make joke as normal

This saves you from making the beep noise yourself, which, in my opinion weakens the joke.

This way the tool itself confirms that you're a stud.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jsgunn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked by the Nature Center Guide

Showing kids in the demo how to sex tagged birds in the wild, he explained that if the tag/band is on the left leg, it's a male; females have the tag on the other leg. "Even with birds, the females are always right."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gatorflier
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad's pressing question to the guide of a hiking trek in a spanish speaking country.

Guide: (broken english) "There is a lot of grass in this area because...[good reason]."

Dad: (to me, but loud enough for everyone to hear) "You know what the locals call that...?"

Me: "No, what?"

Dad: "Muchas gracias!" (followed by the biggest grin I've ever seen)

Guide: (confused) "De nada..."

My family quickly and casually disassociates before seeing other families face palm for us.

I was the only one who laughed...

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rpk213
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joking the tour guide

After finishing the tour of the majority of the Dallas Cowboys stadium, the guide told us to "feel free to roam around the field."

Me: "Are we allowed to Romo 'round the field?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebro0
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2014
🚨︎ report
A guide on how to fall down the stairs

Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Step by step guide on how to fall down the stairs.

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 4:

Step 7:

Step 12:

Step 18:

Step 25:

Hospital

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:

Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Cosmic_Kitten
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
How to fall down the stairs, a step by step guide

Step 1. Step2. Step 3. Step 4. Step 5. Step 6. ...

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/patmcheese
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
How to walk up the stairs, a step by step guide
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Patriarch_FH
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A quick guide on how to fall down the stairs

Step 1 Step 3 Step 6 Step 9,10,11,12

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sweaty_Bollocks
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.