The Guide Puns

He said, "No, it's just a hip-hurt-potamus"

Tell it upstairs.

Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 9...

It's a minute tour.

Cardinal Directions

Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?

Me: What?? Why not?

Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!

...Thank you for visiting the two-wheeled, self-balancing personal transporter museum today; I hope you had a good time. Speaking of good times, check out the food court and gift shop before you leave.

Me: That's a Segway

It made a good ad visor.

He said, “No, they usually come that way.”

He thought, “Finally! I put A Dent in that book!”

We only had one star.

“You know,” said Arthur, “it’s at times like this, when I’m trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was young.” “Why, what did she tell you?” “I don’t know, I didn’t listen.”

FDA Regulation of Marijuana: Past Actions, Future Plans Douglas C. Throckmorton, M.D. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) ICSB/ASP Joint Meeting April 12, 2016

A Joint meeting on marijuana...

Of how to become a millionaire from Reddit.

They give you a TOR!

it was about doing your own hair colour.

"Get out of the whey!!!"

Discovered this today while hanging a curtain rod.

I am using the zircon one step stud finder, seen here http://m.acehardware.com//product/index.jsp?productId=1298011&KPID=997266&cid=CAPLA:G:Shopping_-Measuring_Tools/Marking_Tools-_New&pla=pla_997266&k_clickid=21a0e1ae-1f94-44cd-b27e-a6a83ba1fdc1

Begin by using the stud finder to locate a stud as normal. Release the button.

Lift the stud finder off the wall slightly and press the button. This will help calibrate the stud finder to "empty space", making it think that any hard surface is a stud.

Quickly place the stud finder on your chest, onto your breastbone, the stud finder should beep indicating it is on a stud.

Make joke as normal

This saves you from making the beep noise yourself, which, in my opinion weakens the joke.

This way the tool itself confirms that you're a stud.

Showing kids in the demo how to sex tagged birds in the wild, he explained that if the tag/band is on the left leg, it's a male; females have the tag on the other leg. "Even with birds, the females are always right."

Guide: (broken english) "There is a lot of grass in this area because...[good reason]."

Dad: (to me, but loud enough for everyone to hear) "You know what the locals call that...?"

Me: "No, what?"

Dad: "Muchas gracias!" (followed by the biggest grin I've ever seen)

Guide: (confused) "De nada..."

My family quickly and casually disassociates before seeing other families face palm for us.

I was the only one who laughed...

After finishing the tour of the majority of the Dallas Cowboys stadium, the guide told us to "feel free to roam around the field."

Me: "Are we allowed to Romo 'round the field?"

Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 4:

Step 7:

Step 12:

Step 18:

Step 25:

Hospital

Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12

Step 1. Step2. Step 3. Step 4. Step 5. Step 6. ...

Step 1 Step 3 Step 6 Step 9,10,11,12