Tool pun
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︎ Aug 29 2019
I have a friend that steals hand-held kitchen tools in broad daylight.
Hes quite the whisk taker
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︎ Mar 07 2021
Some guy just called me a 'Tool'.
So, I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
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︎ Feb 21 2021
What tool fastens things at an angle?
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︎ Mar 13 2021
What's the most dominant tool in math?
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︎ Feb 21 2021
I pity the tool!
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︎ Dec 29 2020
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
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︎ Jan 24 2021
What is the best tool for maths?
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︎ Feb 26 2021
What's the undisputed ruler of all hand tools?
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︎ Jan 08 2021
Working on a home construction project and felt like relaxing with drink. Of course it's unsafe to mix alcohol with power tools.
Which is why I mixed my drink with a spoon instead.
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︎ Feb 05 2021
What's the best tool for grinding beans for iced coffee?
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︎ Feb 01 2021
What is a musicians favourite power tool?
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︎ Jan 27 2021
I am waiting to recover from injuries caused by a small sharp tool:
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rockβs paper scissors.
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︎ Jun 12 2020
Santa Claus announced that heβs giving everyone the same gardening tool for Christmas.
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︎ Dec 06 2020
What did the janitor call the tools he didn't trust?
SUSpplies
(courtesy of my 9 y. o. )
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︎ Jan 05 2021
A surgeon told me a story about how he dropped a tool into a patients stomach once.
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︎ Nov 27 2020
What tool would deal best with a traumatic event?
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Uh oh... Emergency: you brought me the wrong tool...
This is not a drill... I repeat, this is not a drill!
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︎ Oct 17 2020
This year's Fibonacci Convention was a great success.
It was as big as the last two combined!
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︎ Dec 12 2020
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
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︎ Feb 06 2020
I see what you did there ( Ν‘β ΝΚ Ν‘β)
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︎ Dec 29 2020
Whenever I assemble my IKEA furniture I always seek the advice of a friend.
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︎ Mar 31 2021
My wife called me a sex machine
Well, her exact words were, βYouβre a fucking toolβ but I knew what she meant.
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︎ Mar 03 2021
My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....
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︎ Sep 10 2020
I was having problems with my tools while digging for gold.
They were miner technical difficulties.
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︎ Oct 01 2020
Thereβs a tool for every job
At work, Gary has to cut holes in sheet metal and has to use a de-burring hook to remove the sharp edges of the cutout. He always catches someone with their guard down and ask to borrow their heater. Gary works inside in a warm clean building, so itβs an odd request.
Their head tilts sideways like a confused dog, and they say puzzled βHeater?β.
Gary replies, βYeah, your de-BUrRRrRR-ing toolβ as he crosses his arms and shivers.
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︎ Sep 11 2020
I pulled over a truck going 80 miles an hour in a 55 zone. He had a cargo of axe-like tools used for shaping large pieces of wood.
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︎ Aug 25 2020
I once tried eating tools
It was a really gut-wrenching experience.
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︎ May 25 2020
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?
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︎ Jul 26 2020
"Sir, we can't find the tool for making holes and, consequently, can't proceed. What should we do?"
"It's useless. Give up. Awl is lost."
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︎ Jul 27 2020
My lumberjack friend was irate because he had such dull tools to chop trees. So he went to his foreman.
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︎ Aug 12 2020
What is the best tool to make a car move?
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︎ May 08 2020
Two tradies were in a drunken fist fight over who's tools are who's.
Guess they were fighting tooth and nail over it.
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︎ Aug 04 2020
There was this shop in my hometown located where two streets met, they sold things like embalming tools and other specialty tools for working on dead bodies. This store was also known as....
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︎ Jan 08 2020
I created a Linux background process for the Message Analysis Test Tool.
I call it the MATT DAEMON!!!
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︎ Jul 16 2020
I was tool shopping yesterday, and happened to walk by the stud-finders.
The noise was unbearable.
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︎ May 27 2020
A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...
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︎ Apr 14 2020
I once got my toe nails professionally trimmed. They used a hardened steel tool for smoothing my clipped nails...
In other words, a pedi-file.
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︎ Jun 30 2020
I got my dad a new tool that helps him remove things he has clamped onto his work bench.
He said heβd never heard of such a de-vice.
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︎ Jun 12 2020
It's always important to do an operational check of your tools.
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︎ Jun 17 2020
What is it called when you cut wood with a tool covered in sriracha?
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︎ Apr 14 2020
Did you hear about the new tool they use for ice farming?
It's called an ice-sickle
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︎ May 22 2020
Donβt think Iβve ever used a tool of this caliper before.
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︎ Apr 25 2019
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
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︎ Apr 05 2019
A truck unloaded tons of hand tools into a river...
It is now a screwed river
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︎ Feb 13 2020
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