Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
I'm worried that the supreme court will lack empathy now that Ginsburg is gone.
Without her they're ruthless.
Coronavirus is now all over the world
But China got it right off the bat.
My wife bought store brand ketchup despite the fact that I like Heinz. I threw it out, so now I guess she knows....
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.
Now days, people don't use the name Lance very often
In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot
My wife's been in a coma for 2 weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.
So, I have to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.
Polar bears have been introduced in the Antarctic. What are these polar bears now called?
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
Just saw that joke about eating a clock for the umpteenth time. Finally decided to try eating a clock myself, but now I'm freaking out.
I think I picked up a nervous tic.
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, “What’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”
Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
Now that Donald Trump is no longer President, the United States is experiencing post-nut clarity.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
Remember when air was free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. You know why?
I’m in Tampa bay right now and they’re selling corn on the cob...
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet
Space X has really taken off this past year
What is the most sought after nation right now?
25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.
She said, “Where would you find the time?”
I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”
Twitter has gone too far! Now they're banning Mario for threatening the President.
Evidently he found out that Trump was in Peach twice.
After all my travel in 2020 was cancelled, I'm now facing the COVID reality that my Spring Break trip is not going to happen either. I just told my suitcases this sad fact...
...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage
So the wife told me I that should know by now she's never wrong.
Is that Korean? High Never Wrong, you should know by now I'm Chris!
The 21st century is now old enough to drink.
And you thought the sober years were bad
Looks like the Democrats are now the party of “A. Blinken.”
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
“Christopher Wreath” is back on my door and now the holidays can begin!
My dog pooped on the deck yesterday and now it's all hard.
Why is Bill Clinton playing the Saxophone now trending on YouTube?
It’s because of the Al Gore Rhythm.
I can now legally tell dad jokes so heres my favorite. What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Heard the song "Don't Start Now" on the radio.
Told my kids: "If I have to listen to this song one more time, I am going to Dua Lipa off the roof".
It would’ve been really dark if, when Snape was dying, Harry had said “now you’re really the half-blood prince”.
Because he only had half his blood left
What is the Inventor of hand sanitizer doing right now?
The public pool sector must be taking a real dive right now
My 6 year old daughter set up a party and led me to the registration sheet. It said "Sine here". Now I am wondering if there is another sheet that says "Cosine there".
Sorry for going on a tangent
After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...
Long time fan, first time poster.
I told my daughter when she was whining to me about her new boyfriend... ‘Don’t complain about the road you’re on right now’
I recently watched "Nosferatu" for the first time. Interesting. Now, I'm checking out "Nosfera 2: New Berlin-ings".
After checking the delivery tracking app, my wife yelled in a fit of rage, “now my package isn’t coming for another 5 days!”
I replied, now you know how I feel.
I tried to warn my now deceased son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out of the other.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but it’s ok now.
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...
So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.
Remember when they used to have air at the gas station for free? Now it’s $1.50
Before air was free at the gas station, and now you have to pay for it? You know why?
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