The Microphones Puns

Bought-a-Bing, Bought-a-boom

They were in four mints.

He talks from his ass.

I guess it's true what they say: Great mimes sink a mic.

Bought a bing. Bought a boom.

because he preferred to be heard in scary-o.

He had one two one two one two many.

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

Right now we've got a standard whirlpool. One basic box, with a rotating center tray. No frills.

I'm looking at a newer model. It's split in the center, and there's a second rotating tray. Also, it's voice activated.

What do you think?

Should I stick with what I've got or should I get Two Turn Tables and a Microphone?

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

He’d come to the microphone and simply say “Guess Who, this is”

This has long been one of my favorite jokes. I'd credit the original writer if I could:

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was literature student from Harvard. The other finalist was a lineman from Alabama. They each would have one minute to compose a poem rhyming the word "Timbuktu."

They drew straws, and Princeton student was to go first. He sat and thought for a few seconds, then spoke into the microphone: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu.”

The crowd went wild, certain the Alabama kid was done for. The clock started, and he just stared at the crowd. Then, when everyone thought he was finished, out of nowhere he said:

“Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu!”

The guy at Burger Place who took my order: "No problem, LETTUCE take care of that for you!"

My eyes rolled so hard I'm pretty sure he heard them through the microphone.

Dad: "I'm gonna be doing some wrapping"

Me: "Where's the microphone?"

I GOT HIM TO EYEROLL, it was magical

So a news anchor is interviewing the avatar of a hawaiian volcano, a man made of molten rock. The interview goes well, but the volcano god cant' seem to stop staring at the reporter's chest with his eyes of burning, liquid stone. She plays it cool, but waits for the interview to be over to call the spirit on his rude actions. He looks her in the eyes, then points to her exposed microphone, clipped to her lapelle. "What do you call that," he asks.

It's a Lavalier mic.

So my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob and decided to use my penis as a microphone to do some stand-up comedy.

Her: "Welcome, welcome, to the stand-up of the century. Ask me if I'm a tree."

Me: "Are you a tree?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Don't take it personally, but I think your stand-up is a bit hard to swallow."

She stopped and I got blue balls because of this, but hell it was worth it.

Bought a bing. Bought a boom.

Bought a bing bought a boom

Bought a bing, bought a boom

Bought a Bing, bought a boom.