The police pulled over a semi going 120 mph on the interstate. Upon opening the trailer, they found thousands of ancient cutting tools similar to an axes but with the cutting edges perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australia's chief export.
I was sitting at a red light with my family, when all of a sudden I said "Look, son! A super hero!"
During the French Revolution thousands of people met their end with the blade of the guillotine, including King Louis XVI
He should have quit while he was a head
I just carved a smiley face on the maple out front...
But enough pleasant trees.
What do you sometimes find on the face of a volcano?
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is floating in the ocean?
During lockdown, I managed to connect virtually with a Lion, Giraffe and Rhino all at the same time.
These zoo meetings are really taking off.
A man went to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach
His condition is stable now
What would you call a businessman with a face covered in whipped cream?
I finally saw the new Justice League movie but when the heroes ended up in a funky little shack down the Atlanta highway, I was confused at first.
It was the Fred Schneider cut. Oops!
A "helen" could be used as a measurement of beauty, defined as a face that could launch a thousand ships. However, one should not use a "millihelen" to mean that a face could only launch one ship...
...because you shouldn't put metric prefixes on Troy units.
I used to go out with a girl who used to punch me on my face everytime she had an orgasm
I didn't mind too much, until I found out, she was faking them.
A horse walks into a bar... the bartender asks, “why the long face?”
The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
So in a stunning turnabout my 8 year old nailed me with a great dad joke. “What’s the worst smelling monster in mythology?”
I can’t come up with a pun for the title, sorry
My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
Perfect for the kids - what do you call a bear with no teeth?!
I got smacked in the face by a boxer when I told him a joke.
it’s just that I can’t remember the punchline
A man was admitted at the hospital with 25 plastic toy horses in his rectum.
Doctors report his condition as stable.
Went to a restaurant with my parents and they were arguing about whether ordering the fries or salad were better to go with the meal so they asked me my opinion.
I said, "Oh, no. I'm not picking sides"
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.
This may not be the right sub for this, if so mods do your thing but my girlfriend, who has worked hard all her life to be a top ranked tennis player, just broke up with me.
I guess love means nothing to her.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
What's the opposite of a hero?
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
A man took a bullet to the face in a shooting last week. If anyone has any information please call city police.
The only thing they have to go on is the mug shot.
What do you call a shaking space ship with the Rock in it? A Rock-it
What’s the best kind of turd to eat with a hotdog?
I'm starting a business in airports selling bags with the faces of Sid James, Hattie Jacques, Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey and Joan Sims on them.
It'll be called "Carry On Baggage".
I've just been diagnosed with the dreaded peek-a-boo virus
I have been transferred to the ICU
If given the choice of which part of your face to insert a finger,
Would you pick your nose?
Did you hear about the guy who went to prison with a stutter?
Some say he never finished his sentence.
A hypnotist once convinced me that I was a soft malleable metal with the atomic number of 82.
I’ve come up with a new word for when you remove your bra at the end of the day: Gravititty
I asked my kids if they could come up with a word that had 3 letters of the alphabet in a row?
you know what the best part about a house with a septic tank is?
you get to own your own business.
Request for a pun with the word Brook
Please let me know if this kind of post isn't allowed but I wasn't sure where to ask. I'm looking for puns including the word Brook. Even better if it's plural (brooks).
Imagine the Titanic with a lisp...
A man has an appointment with his doctor. When he shows up he says, “My gynecologist told me to see you.” The doctor is confused.
The man says, “Oh, my wife is a gynecologist.”
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s only export.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?
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