Finding Nemo was good but seriously talking animals?!

The premise, the movie, Nemo, it was a little fishy.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baldricks_plan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, β€œI’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”

I said, β€œThank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”

πŸ‘︎ 133
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Talking to a stuffed animal "want any desert"

No thanks I'm stuffed

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MLGBANANABUS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
While dining out my SO and I were talking about the demeanors of the various animals we eat.

Her: "Are cows nice?"

Me: "Of course they are. That's why we tip them."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Griswold00
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2016
🚨︎ report
Talking about what kind of interesting animal products we had eaten...

A colleague of mine says, "I tried camel milk once."

Another colleague says, "did you have it with one hump or two?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_klowne
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2015
🚨︎ report
I found the only psychic that could communicate with dead animals. I was skeptical at first, but when she talked about my animals it felt as if she lived with them her entire life.

She was a rare medium well done.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I never understood why people dislike vegans so much.

I have never had a beef with them.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Weebs be like
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amp3rsand_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my whole class with this gem...

So we were talking about what separates humanity from the rest of the animal kingdom, and we got on the subject of mice. Prof had mentioned that a mouse will laugh if you tickle it's belly, but you can't tell it a good joke. My reply: "it might if it's really cheesy"

badum, tiss

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
🚨︎ report
A zookeeper is having trouble sleeping...

because of a certain case, which made it so that all the zoo animals had to stay in his bedroom. One of them keeps on waking him up, but he’s not sure which one. He goes to see an expert on similar situations like this. They go over which one is the most likely. The expert says:

β€œIt’s not the fox, since those are quiet. It’s also most likely not the monkeys, because these types sleep well.”

They have a conversation like this, but the zookeeper keeps on wanting to talk about his elephant, which he loved and thought would never want to wake him up. The expert notices and plays along for a while, avoiding the subject until all other animals are no longer a suspect. The expert finally gets tired and asks the zookeeper:

β€œAre we going to talk about the elephant in the room?”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Prepare for Radiation Poisoning

Question: Why don't radioactive animals talk?

Answer: Because they're mute-ated!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Ars3nic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Genetic Engineering...

Did you see the headline that Genetic Engineers are experimenting with odd combinations of animals in order to come up with new species? This article was talking about people trying to combine a bull with a possum.
While the scientific community is responding with skepticism, I think it's a possum-bull.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/natebraun1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
"Don't talk to the liard, kids!"

So, I'm new to this subreddit, so please don't berate me for posting a story instead of a joke ;-;

Anyways, my friend came over to my house for a 2 day sleepover a few weeks ago, and during the sleepover, we went to Petco to buy some stuff for my ferret. While we were there, we just kept gossiping about how cute all the animals there were. There were parrots, other ferrets, turtles, fish, a cat, and lizards.

When we were checking out the lizards, my dad immediately started to warn us about them...

"Don't talk to the lizard, kids! It might want to sell you car insurance! It'll only take 15 minutes or less!"

Gosh, I love my dad XD

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HuskiePupper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
🚨︎ report
My jokes are expected...But every so often I surprise myself...

I normally telegraph my jokes, but this one was totally natural... Talking to my wife about my sister's upcoming trip to DisneyWorld and how they were going in May...

Wife..."have talked to your sister about crowds because of the opening of Pandora at Animal Kingdom?"

"Yeh, they are going down opening weekend, but skipping Animal Kingdom completely, I bet it's going to be a real zoo there..."

Edit

Obligatory eye roll and groan.

"Holy crap, I didn't even do that on purpose!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lilbandit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2017
🚨︎ report
She needed to prepare for trouble, make that double!

Today a student of mine was wearing a Pikachu onesie for pajama day at work (a junior in h.s.).our conversation went like this. If she wasn't in anime club with me I would have left her alone.

Me: did your wear that so guys would want to take a peek-at-chu?

Student : Mrs. Acinomismonica, please stop

Me: why? You scared they won't choose you?

Student : I'm going to stop talking to you now

Me: don't be such an Ash

Student : Mrs. Acinomismonica, you need to stop!

Me: c'mon student, you gotta Ketchum to my jokes

Enter the rest of my class groaning, it was a good day. Good thing I stopped before they threw Brocks at me.

πŸ‘︎ 96
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acinomismonica
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
My Spanish professor got the entire class today.

She was talking about how the words for animal sounds are different in Spanish (roosters go kikikuriki, etc.) and a student asked of the animals sound different in Mexico and without missing a beat the professor just replied: "Yeah! They speak Spanish!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nastynate66
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2016
🚨︎ report
A young autistic man and Naka-Kon.

This is fairly long.

My adult son is autistic, him and a friend are going to Naka-Kon this year as they both enjoy Anime.

The wife and I were talking to our son about it.

Wife: Are you going to wear a costume?

Son: No, we are just going to go and check everything out.

Me: You should wear a koala bear suit and take your resume with you.

Son: Why would I do that?

Me: So you can hand the resumes out to hawt chicks and show them how Koalafied you are.

Son and I burst out laughing, wife looks on at the two idiots in the room.

Good times.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tatertater144
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
🚨︎ report
A simple question taken in a different direction

Me: What's up? Dad: Up is an animated film about an old man, a boyscout knockoff, and a talking dog that try and save a rainbow bird named Kevin.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hugthebed2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2014
🚨︎ report
On how we were feeling at the office today

I asked a co-worker how he was feeling and he said, just ducky. So I asked another one what animal she is today and she told us that she's a kitten. When the third heard that he said she must be feeling a little sick.

I replied, "don't you mean that she's 'feline a little sick?'"

I'm not allowed to talk to people now.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dedtired
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2014
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, β€œI’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”

I said, β€œThank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals when she said, β€œI’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”

I said, β€œThank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, β€œI’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”

I said, β€œThank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.