For all th H. P. Lovecraft fans out there

Instead of calling it the "zombie apocalypse", why not just call it the Necro-nom-athon?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/raven21633x
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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I don’t th-INK you should
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohboyitsmax
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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Did you hear about th e magic tractor?

It turned into a field

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jerome13579
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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A man in the street started throwing words beginning with 'th' at me.

I managed to dodge this, there and then but I didn't see that coming!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2017
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When do Santa's elves have their Christmas party?

On December twelfth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Anyway, here's that song.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FudgePuffin94
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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I recently tried on some new shoes and I told the salesman they felt a bit snug. He told me to try pulling the tongue.

β€œOK,” I said, β€œbuth I don’th know how thith will helpth”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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The guy who coined the term "lisp" must have been a sadist.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freeaboo_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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The best time to brush your teeth

Two-th dirty

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AntiSubSonic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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My last joke got taken down.

Here's a mirror.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingSulley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should we release you?

Man: I th..

Officer: Yes?

Man: The reas..

Officer: Go on.

Man: May I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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Riddle: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an I-th-berg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/poisondartfroglet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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What do you want for breakfast?

This past weekend my wife and daughter were on th couch watching cartoons. I was in the kitchen and yelled,

"What do you guys want for breakfast."

My wife replied, "oh I don't know, whatever is easiest.... Omlette you decide."

This was followed by the sound of knee slapping, and her gasping for air laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KungFooGrip
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2016
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neotenous
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2014
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So I asked my dad...

Is the flight on the 17th or on th 18th? He said, its on a plane

That guy said no apologies, so im not sorry

Its my first one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/highlord1001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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My wife yelled at the kids for running up the stairs

thmumbles escalated quickly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
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Been a dad three years and I made a funny, only to get it done by grandpa

Family was watching a show about the Armageddon and I asked why they chose to watch the Armageddon and not th LEGageddon. Grampa says to turn the Armageddon program Armagedoff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weedandguitars
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2015
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Oh Google!

Check out Google's suggestion when you search "anagram"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JjCasual15
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2015
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What organization is best at helping people with all of their sewing and stitching projects?

The ThRed Cross.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
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Slumber One Dad

Father's Day shirt I made for my dad who likes to spend some quality time snoozing on the couch. Thought some of you may appreciate it.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07D39JNZ7?customId=B07537H64L&th=1

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πŸ‘€︎ u/T-Shirt_Dude
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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A Man Gets Into A Taxi

A man walks out of his work building and hails a taxi. He gets into the taxi and says, "Take me to the sandwich shop up on 45^th street." Ten minutes later they arrive, and the cab driver checks the console. "That'll be $12.00." The man is shocked. "This route used to be only $6.00! What happened?" The taxi driver explains. "Well, construction was blocking the usual route, so I had to double back and take a longer route." The man considers this, then shrugs.

"I guess that's fare."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KlausBaudelaire
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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Making an appointment to get my dad's ears cleaned...

Receptionist: We don't have anything until October 6^th , but if he wants to go to our other office at [pretty far away], he can come in this Wednesday.

Me: Yeah, better do that. The TV's getting pretty loud.

Receptionist: Oh I hear ya

Me: Well he can't

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimbeam958
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2014
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A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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I thought of this dad joke IN MY SLEEP.

"Do kangaroos use kangaroo-th paste to brush their teeth?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LDawg618
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2016
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Birthday dadjoked

I remember this one from my toddler years. My b-day is June 14, which happens to be the unknown holiday called Flag Day.

Me: "Daddy, guess what day it is?"

Dad: "Oh, is it the 14^th already? Happy Flag Day son!"

I would get really upset at him every year for that one until I started to get the joke. Alternatively, my mom's birthday happens to be December 25. So you can imagine:

Mom: "Merry Christmas, honey!"

Dad: "Christmas? Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought it was your birthday!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheF0CTOR
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2014
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In the car this morning

Me: You know, pirates didn't wear eyepatches because they only had one eye.

Dad: Oh? So why did they wear eyepatches then?

Me: To keep one eye in th-

Dad: Oh, that story? I thought that was a cover-up.

Ahh dad <3

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sanguisuga635
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
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At brunch on Sunday for my mothers birthday.

Before our meal came out, the waiter had brought out a fruit basket with your typical fruit in. My dad picks up a green grape and a purple grape and just stares at them.

Me: "dad, what are you doing?"

Dad: "heh, what did the green grape say to the purple grape?"

Me: "uh, I don't know..."

Dad: "BREATHE, IDIOT!!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!"

My mom thought it was th funniest shit ever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laxerado1313
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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