Instead of calling it the "zombie apocalypse", why not just call it the Necro-nom-athon?
It turned into a field
I managed to dodge this, there and then but I didn't see that coming!
On December twelfth.
“OK,” I said, “buth I don’th know how thith will helpth”
Man: I th..
Officer: Yes?
Man: The reas..
Officer: Go on.
Man: May I please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
With an I-th-berg.
This past weekend my wife and daughter were on th couch watching cartoons. I was in the kitchen and yelled,
"What do you guys want for breakfast."
My wife replied, "oh I don't know, whatever is easiest.... Omlette you decide."
This was followed by the sound of knee slapping, and her gasping for air laughing.
Is the flight on the 17th or on th 18th? He said, its on a plane
That guy said no apologies, so im not sorry
Its my first one
thmumbles escalated quickly.
Family was watching a show about the Armageddon and I asked why they chose to watch the Armageddon and not th LEGageddon. Grampa says to turn the Armageddon program Armagedoff
Check out Google's suggestion when you search "anagram"
The ThRed Cross.
Father's Day shirt I made for my dad who likes to spend some quality time snoozing on the couch. Thought some of you may appreciate it.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07D39JNZ7?customId=B07537H64L&th=1
A man walks out of his work building and hails a taxi. He gets into the taxi and says, "Take me to the sandwich shop up on 45^th street." Ten minutes later they arrive, and the cab driver checks the console. "That'll be $12.00." The man is shocked. "This route used to be only $6.00! What happened?" The taxi driver explains. "Well, construction was blocking the usual route, so I had to double back and take a longer route." The man considers this, then shrugs.
"I guess that's fare."
Receptionist: We don't have anything until October 6^th , but if he wants to go to our other office at [pretty far away], he can come in this Wednesday.
Me: Yeah, better do that. The TV's getting pretty loud.
Receptionist: Oh I hear ya
Me: Well he can't
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
"Do kangaroos use kangaroo-th paste to brush their teeth?"
I remember this one from my toddler years. My b-day is June 14, which happens to be the unknown holiday called Flag Day.
Me: "Daddy, guess what day it is?"
Dad: "Oh, is it the 14^th already? Happy Flag Day son!"
I would get really upset at him every year for that one until I started to get the joke. Alternatively, my mom's birthday happens to be December 25. So you can imagine:
Mom: "Merry Christmas, honey!"
Dad: "Christmas? Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought it was your birthday!"
Me: You know, pirates didn't wear eyepatches because they only had one eye.
Dad: Oh? So why did they wear eyepatches then?
Me: To keep one eye in th-
Dad: Oh, that story? I thought that was a cover-up.
Ahh dad <3
Before our meal came out, the waiter had brought out a fruit basket with your typical fruit in. My dad picks up a green grape and a purple grape and just stares at them.
Me: "dad, what are you doing?"
Dad: "heh, what did the green grape say to the purple grape?"
Me: "uh, I don't know..."
Dad: "BREATHE, IDIOT!!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!"
My mom thought it was th funniest shit ever.
