Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet?

They looked at the reviews... only 1 star

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Belpix0
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 09 2021
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What is the first step in making a solar system?

You gotta planet

πŸ‘οΈŽ 53
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/martianrome
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 30 2021
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Patients who recover on Saturdays and Sundays have a weekend immune system.
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/pathrado
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 30 2021
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If they made a movie about our solar system ...

... the sun would be the star of the show.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/reddof
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 03 2021
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My doctor says I should start eating hot peppers to boost my immune system.

He said they're full of Vitamin Spi-C!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 27 2021
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My pizza came back to haunt me from beyond the digestive system.

It was in a really crappy mood.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Alex_of_Bree
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 10 2021
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I saw a 1000 year old oil stain

It was from ancient Greece

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Darz167
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 08 2021
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Imagine Americans switched from Pound to Kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Anukrit_Subedi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 24 2021
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I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...

The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 59
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VAOkie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 17 2021
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How does the solar system keep it's pants from falling down?

It uses an asteroid belt

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/scifi_jon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 18 2021
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Which digital payment system does the pope use?

Paypal

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hardlysure
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 26 2021
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What is The metric system’s favorite bug?

A centipede. I’m a dad, can confirm

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fifthpick2004
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 28 2021
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an interesting title
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LazyYoda
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 11 2021
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Don't trust your digestive system...

It's full of $hit.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 17 2021
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If I had to rate our solar system...

I'd give it one star.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 98
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gabereyn
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2020
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Why do women with nieces and nephews have great immune systems?

Because of their Auntie-bodies

πŸ‘οΈŽ 112
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Reiri_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 21 2020
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Two French IT guys have come up with a new system to share files electronically.

It’s a Pierre to Pierre network.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 51
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 28 2020
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A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 08 2020
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My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 14 2020
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We should have a global storage system for crops...

Some people just want to watch the World Barn.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Gamiker
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 03 2020
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What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??

An Optical Aleutian

I’ll see myself out...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/International_Sea285
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 01 2020
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I have a rare condition that means I never get days off from work.

It’s due to my weekend immune system

πŸ‘οΈŽ 41
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AlexOfTheEarth
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 02 2021
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System of Operating
πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MNguyen720
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 12 2020
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What's a celibate person's favourite operating system?

Unix.

(Eunuchs.)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 09 2020
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What would happen if you give McDonalds an operating system
  • They'd sell Mac
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ChickenFuzzNuts
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 26 2020
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I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.

The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 01 2020
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What happens if you give a site foreman an operating system

He'll install windows

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ChickenFuzzNuts
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 26 2020
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I had to call tech support for my computer the other day.

Tech Support: β€œIt seems as though your operating system was installed backwards.”

Me: β€œSo?”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheLaziestPotato
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 18 2021
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How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?

They just ransomware.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 15 2020
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Why do Americans think cow tipping is hard.

It is difficult to calculate 20% in Imperial System

>!This is a play on the word "tipping", which means....(A)Pushing a cow over.............(B)Tipping a generous amount of 20% after dinner!<

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 03 2021
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If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 23 2020
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The best scales are made in the Czech Republic

They employ a system of Czechs and balances.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TomBerringer
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 14 2021
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What banking system do birds use?

Feather All Reserve

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/heleninthealps
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 09 2020
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Boss: I find it highly suspicious that you are always sick on weekdays.

Me: It must be my weekend immune system.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 398
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 18 2021
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Errors are red, screen is blue, i think i deleted, system 32.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Hallower87
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 05 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

show more
πŸ‘οΈŽ 17k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 21 2020
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eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/puranjay1432
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 30 2020
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If a belt made of watches is a waist of time...

Then a belt that has a diagram of the solar system must be a waist of space.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 10 2021
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Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 25 2020
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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 27 2020
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What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gambitK9
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 13 2020
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I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hobo4lifee
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 22 2020
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 05 2020
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Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They looked at the reviews, but we only had one star

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Termin201
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 19 2021
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What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?

There would be mass confusion

πŸ‘οΈŽ 945
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HereforacoupleofQs
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 16 2021
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Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?

They looked at the reviews first...... only 1 star

πŸ‘οΈŽ 55
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/callmekrusty
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 20 2020
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Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at our reviews: only 1 star.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/singh_j
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 21 2020
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