HELP WANTED: the Committee of Underlying Nasal Tissue Symptoms needs a new acronym
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︎ May 17 2019
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, βA beer please, ..."
"... and one for the road."
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︎ Sep 15 2020
I went for an interview. They said, βCan you perform under pressure?β
I said βIβm not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsodyβ
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︎ Nov 17 2020
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I used to dig trenches under roads for a living
but I had to quit because it was just boring.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Did you hear about the guy that walked into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm?
He asked the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.
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︎ Dec 06 2020
Why were there no fighting games under the Christmas tree?
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Did you hear about the mechanic who fell asleep under the car?
He woke up oily in the morning
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︎ Dec 23 2020
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
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︎ Jan 03 2021
If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.
Soon Itβll just be water under the fridge.
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︎ Oct 12 2020
What happens to funny vikings when they die?
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︎ Jan 10 2021
It might crack under pressure.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
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︎ Nov 11 2020
My 8yr old daughter got me with "I can breathe under water"
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
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︎ May 13 2020
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
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︎ Sep 20 2020
What do you call things that are said under the covers?
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︎ Nov 19 2020
What do you call a group of people under 18 years old going somewhere?
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︎ Oct 21 2020
Vin Diesel should commission a heraldic crest under his first name, a pair of snakes intertwined with fangs bared...
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︎ Oct 12 2020
What do get if you sit under a cow?
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︎ Oct 10 2020
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said β sir Iβm going to have to put you under arrest.β The guy then said
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︎ Nov 05 2020
Under appreciated dad phases of the day:
Children spinning or running or circles or anything in that nature
Dad - Wow, you are making ME dizzy
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︎ Nov 05 2020
Did you hear about the Minotaur they found under the Blue Mosque?
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︎ Nov 05 2020
C
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︎ Jul 19 2020
The police were under heavy attack of the flies
They had to call the SWAT team!
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︎ Nov 02 2020
Did you under sand?
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︎ Jun 26 2020
Stop! You're under a rest!!
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︎ Jun 17 2020
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
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︎ May 13 2020
What do you call an elf with under 2 legs
You call is a Leg o less (legolas)
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︎ Oct 05 2020
Have you ever eaten under a standing table?
would be pretty under stand table.
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︎ Aug 28 2020
What's under a duck tail?
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︎ Sep 01 2020
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
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︎ Jan 23 2020
What do you call a nut that fell out of your bowl and rolled under the couch?
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︎ Sep 25 2020
I've been sitting quietly under citrus trees all day, and I must say...
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︎ Aug 18 2020
Police say a man died after being crushed under a pile of books
He only has his shelf to blame.
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︎ Aug 17 2020
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat ?
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︎ Jul 06 2020
What drug is illegal under the sea?
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︎ Sep 03 2020
My wife's bra has the brand name "Splendid", embroidered on the band under one of the cups ...
I just took a sharpie and wrote "Also quite nice" under the other one.
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︎ Sep 03 2020
I shot 3 under on 18 holes today but I'm still pretty disappointed.
My performance was really subpar.
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︎ Sep 19 2020
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. Itβs the same with humans under quarantine.
Thatβs why itβs called a βPandemicβ.
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︎ Apr 18 2020
Hay bales under a buck
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︎ Dec 04 2019
Your under a rest
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︎ Apr 17 2020
LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, gently slide them under your refrigerator.
Soon, itβll be water under the fridge.
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︎ Nov 01 2020
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
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︎ Feb 15 2020
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
The man says "One whiskey for me and one for the road"
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︎ Oct 07 2020
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He shouts, βA beer please! And one for the road!β
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︎ Jun 11 2020
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