HELP WANTED: the Committee of Underlying Nasal Tissue Symptoms needs a new acronym
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︎ May 17 2019
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
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︎ Apr 10 2021
He was told there was a leak under the sink
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︎ Mar 25 2021
Who was the first under water spy?
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︎ Mar 23 2021
I decided to stop walking under billboards after one collapsed on top of me.
I took it as a sign from above.
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︎ Mar 07 2021
What was the name of the vegetable that lived under the sea?
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︎ Apr 08 2021
Why was Odysseus welcomed in the under world?
Because he was the life of the party!
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︎ Apr 11 2021
I asked an Australian kid whatβs a clever comeback down under. He said...
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︎ Mar 17 2021
If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just quietly slide it under the refrigerator.
Soon itβll be water under the fridge.
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︎ Feb 19 2021
I was placed under arrest for downloading the whole Wikipedia website
I told the officer "Wait! I can explain everything!!"
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︎ Feb 16 2021
What do you call an under-cooked dinosaur?
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︎ Mar 04 2021
down under the periodic table.
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︎ Feb 05 2021
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm...
Man: Do you do fishcakes?
Fishmonger: no, I'm afraid not, sorry.
Man: Ah, that's a shame - it's his birthday today
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︎ Mar 12 2021
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, βA beer please, ..."
"... and one for the road."
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︎ Sep 15 2020
What does a cloud wear under its raincoat?
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︎ Mar 08 2021
MY DAUGHTER KEPT COMPLAINING FOR DAYS ABOUT A MONSTER UNDER HER BED
So I drank it and told her to stop hiding cansπ€
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︎ Feb 17 2021
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: βNo, Petie, you donβt have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed.
It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.
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︎ Mar 09 2021
How do you know if thereβs an elephant under your bed,
Your nose is touching the ceiling
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︎ Feb 25 2021
I went for an interview. They said, βCan you perform under pressure?β
I said βIβm not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsodyβ
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︎ Nov 17 2020
I saw a banker burying money under the bushes in his garden
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︎ Mar 04 2021
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Did you hear about the guy that walked into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm?
He asked the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.
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︎ Dec 06 2020
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Why were there no fighting games under the Christmas tree?
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︎ Dec 26 2020
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
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︎ Jan 23 2021
My 8yr old daughter got me with "I can breathe under water"
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
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︎ May 13 2020
I used to dig trenches under roads for a living
but I had to quit because it was just boring.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I managed to catch all the Pokemon listed under M in the PokΓ©dex
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︎ Jan 22 2021
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Did you hear about the mechanic who fell asleep under the car?
He woke up oily in the morning
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︎ Dec 23 2020
It might crack under pressure.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
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︎ Jan 03 2021
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
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︎ Sep 20 2020
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
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︎ Nov 11 2020
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
What happens to funny vikings when they die?
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Did you under sand?
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︎ Jun 26 2020
C
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︎ Jul 19 2020
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
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︎ May 13 2020
My internet router is in my basement.
You could say that I come from a LAN down under.
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︎ Mar 24 2021
What do you call a group of people under 18 years old going somewhere?
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︎ Oct 21 2020
Stop! You're under a rest!!
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︎ Jun 17 2020
Officer: Youβre under arrest for stealing the Wikipedia servers...
Me: But officer, I can explain everything!
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︎ Jan 27 2021
If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.
Soon Itβll just be water under the fridge.
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︎ Oct 12 2020
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
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︎ Feb 15 2020
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He shouts, βA beer please! And one for the road!β
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︎ Jun 11 2020
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