I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...

The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VAOkie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
If I had to rate our solar system...

I'd give it one star.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabereyn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do women with nieces and nephews have great immune systems?

Because of their Auntie-bodies

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reiri_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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What's a celibate person's favourite operating system?

Unix.

(Eunuchs.)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Two French IT guys have come up with a new system to share files electronically.

It’s a Pierre to Pierre network.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.

The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
We should have a global storage system for crops...

Some people just want to watch the World Barn.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gamiker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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The Czech republic is introducing a train ticketing system so you can pay with bitcoin...

...it uses blocktrain Czechnology.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunMathematician1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What would happen if you give McDonalds an operating system
  • They'd sell Mac
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChickenFuzzNuts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens if you give a site foreman an operating system

He'll install windows

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChickenFuzzNuts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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System of Operating
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MNguyen720
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?

They just ransomware.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What banking system do birds use?

Feather All Reserve

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heleninthealps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?

They looked at the reviews first...... only 1 star

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmekrusty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hobo4lifee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puranjay1432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gambitK9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Errors are red, screen is blue, i think i deleted, system 32.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hallower87
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....

Quaranteens.

πŸ‘︎ 604
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days

I said it must be my weekend immune system

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuxCassandra
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, β€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, β€œWow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the solar system throw a party?

They planet.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scorchdearth
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the king only 12 inches tall?

.. because he was a ruler

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drbandre
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
No, No. He's Got a Point
πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/its_boogeyman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I hated my System Analysis and Design clasess,

They are SAD

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GunnerVee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What causes people to have anxiety?

An over-active nervous system.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BiggerNutthole
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My grandma is 80% Irish.

People call her Iris.

πŸ‘︎ 375
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My anatomy class is covering the nervous system and I don't get any of this stuff.

It's so nerve-wracking.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didn’t planet.

πŸ‘︎ 569
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My neighbour was a selling a speaker system for just $1. When I asked him why it was so cheap he told me that you cant adjust the sound, the volume is stuck at the loudest setting.

I said "Wow, I cant turn that down"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingSulley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does the metric system make so many friends with women?

It always wants to meter.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the farmer get his wife for Valentine's Day?

A sprinkler system and it irrigated her

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krigito
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
After a heated argument, my kid shouted β€œJim Morrison was overrated”

Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catmom81519
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

Atleast that's what she said in her diary.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__teju
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
British people be like I'm bri ish

It's because they drank the t

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at our reviews: only 1 star.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/singh_j
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't aliens visit our solar system?

They looked at the reviews, only one star

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moon1499
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss said, β€œI find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, β€œIt must be my weekend immune system.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Boss: I find it highly suspicious that you are sick only on weekdays.

Me: It must be my weakened immune system.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report

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