She said "transaction denied, insufficient buns."
I said, it's a periodic table. You cant use it right now.
Dating is tough for online predators
A kid was manning the pump and I asked if they take cards He replies with a straight face : No we give it back after swiping
Because people got confused when they ask you to swipe your cardigan.
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
A human bean.
My wife was sitting on the couch, handed me her phone, and said, "charge this". I took the phone and said,
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..."
The insect police force was tracking one of these malaria-mosquitos, when the mosquito fled to a farm. First, she tried to hide in the house, until the farmer chased her away with a newspaper. She tried to hide in the barn with the horses, but the barn cat took a few swipes at the mosquito, and chased it from the barn.
Finally, the mosquito set eyes on sheep in the pasture.she decided all that thick wool would be the perfect place to hide from the insect police force.
The police force arrived shortly after. They first went to the house. No mosquito. They searched the horses. No mosquito. Finally, they got to the pasture with the sheep. After searching and searching, they could not find where the mosquito had hidden.
The mosquito was on the lamb.
After every dad joke I like to follow up with:
This joke is like fermented milk.
Past your eyes!
(Hand swiping up from chin to forehead)
She told me to swipe my cardigan.
A girl nearby and a monkey screamed, "Swiper, no swiping!"
I went to return a T-Shirt to Banana Republic today. The item wasn't on my receipt so they asked me to swipe my credit card to see if they could find it in my purchase history.
Cashier: "Hmmm, that didn't work. Sir, would you mind re-swiping, I want to try your card again." Me: "It's a T-Shirt, not a cardigan" My 13 Year Old Son: 🙄
The cashier TOLD me to swipe the cardigan!
There's no more swiping
My sister was telling me about she met her boyfriend on Tinder (I haven't met him yet). I told her it was a good thing she wasn't Dora the Explorer. After a beat where she gave me a confused look, I explained. If she was Dora, she never would have been able to swipe right.
I was answered with silence and an eye roll that suggested I was going to hell. I only grinned and basked in her hate.
She has always been against swiping.
Cashier: swipes Dad's credit card. hands it back.
Cashier: looks at register. Sir, can I see your card again? It didn't work the first time.
Dad: I'm not wearing a cardigan.
They only know how to swipe left.
I was getting my card ready to swipe, and the cashier said "strip facing me" and I said "you want me to do WHAT?" He nervously laughed and my wife was very disappointed in me.
Full disclosure: I am a dad
I was telling the kids about a cat I had when was their age and how she loved Tandoori chicken. I explained that when we used to order in Indian food she would sit on the arm of the sofa waiting for someone to bring a chicken leg up to their mouth and then, quick as a flash, swipe it out of their hand and run off with it.
Quick as a flash, my boy said "Well, it WAS a takeaway"
So proud....
I was ringing out a son and father at the register. I tell him his total is "seven forty seven" and the father replies "I didn't buy a plane!" and looks at his son to get a quick laugh, but his son wasn't having any of it. Meanwhile, I'm trying to hold my laughter because i know this is a typical dad joke. But that's not the best part.
He swipes his credit card and reads the credit card reader out loud, "Sign Below". He ends up writing "BELOW" as his signature and says out loud to me and his son "It told me to sign 'Below' and so I did". His son responds with "Dad you are so embarrassing" and I'm chuckling out loud cuz I've never seen anyone do that the 3 years I've worked there lol
TL;DR Dad writes "Below" as his signature because he took it literally as any days would.
Ordered two frozen drinks at Sonic, go to swipe my card and the card-reader is out of order. Girlfriend asks if I have any cash, so I open the ash compartment in my car and pull out a 5 dollar bill.
"I didn't even know you kept money in there!"
"Well you aren't supposed to know about it, just like any good slush fund."
Credit card reader says Please Swipe Card
My dad, "Why would I swipe it, I already own my card"
They get to the register, and comes the time that he's gotta use his debit card.
Clerk: You can swipe it now.
Father: Well, I thought I'd just pay for it.
