My wife swiped our debit card on my butt crack.

She said "transaction denied, insufficient buns."

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FletchLives1980
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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My child was setting up a science homework project on the dinner table. I swiped the table clean and threw the table outside. He asked "what was that for?"

I said, it's a periodic table. You cant use it right now.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InspectorBugNuts
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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I was asked why I swiped right
πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
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T-Rex was upset that nobody would swipe right

Dating is tough for online predators

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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Chances of rain
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/s1ddB
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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I was riding to a beach in this remote part of the district and stopped at this run down petrol pump

A kid was manning the pump and I asked if they take cards He replies with a straight face : No we give it back after swiping

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/regulaslight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Why don't they have self checkout at the Gap?

Because people got confused when they ask you to swipe your cardigan.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usuallyhungover
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Soon just got me without this one: "Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?"

Give me a second I'm still working on it.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wheezy360
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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What do you call a baby growing on a vine?

A human bean.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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My wife first looked confused then rolled her eyes. I may be ready to be a dad.

My wife was sitting on the couch, handed me her phone, and said, "charge this". I took the phone and said,

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhoke63
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
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I'll never run out of dad jokes
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wc452
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
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I’m the animal kingdom, it’s considered a heinous crime for a malaria-infected mosquito to bite.

The insect police force was tracking one of these malaria-mosquitos, when the mosquito fled to a farm. First, she tried to hide in the house, until the farmer chased her away with a newspaper. She tried to hide in the barn with the horses, but the barn cat took a few swipes at the mosquito, and chased it from the barn.

Finally, the mosquito set eyes on sheep in the pasture.she decided all that thick wool would be the perfect place to hide from the insect police force.

The police force arrived shortly after. They first went to the house. No mosquito. They searched the horses. No mosquito. Finally, they got to the pasture with the sheep. After searching and searching, they could not find where the mosquito had hidden.

The mosquito was on the lamb.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadfullyBIzzy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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Who is the most useful man

Alan Key

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fandabbydosy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Fermented Milk

After every dad joke I like to follow up with:

This joke is like fermented milk.

Past your eyes!

(Hand swiping up from chin to forehead)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orion808
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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My friend's dad is by far the best
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluemoonassassin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
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For some reason, the cashier wanted me to steal the sweater I already owned..

She told me to swipe my cardigan.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikeybaseball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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A fox went to a nearby ATM machine, and took out his card.

A girl nearby and a monkey screamed, "Swiper, no swiping!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SauceMaster6464
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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True story

I went to return a T-Shirt to Banana Republic today. The item wasn't on my receipt so they asked me to swipe my credit card to see if they could find it in my purchase history.

Cashier: "Hmmm, that didn't work. Sir, would you mind re-swiping, I want to try your card again." Me: "It's a T-Shirt, not a cardigan" My 13 Year Old Son: πŸ™„

πŸ‘︎ 183
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
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I can't believe I'm being arrested for shoplifting.

The cashier TOLD me to swipe the cardigan!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/markvark
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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Why does Dora the Explorer love chip credit cards?

There's no more swiping

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flipsometits
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2016
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Got my Sister with a Zinger

My sister was telling me about she met her boyfriend on Tinder (I haven't met him yet). I told her it was a good thing she wasn't Dora the Explorer. After a beat where she gave me a confused look, I explained. If she was Dora, she never would have been able to swipe right.

I was answered with silence and an eye roll that suggested I was going to hell. I only grinned and basked in her hate.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trogdor6135
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2016
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I recently learned Dora the Explorer invented the chip on credit cards.

She has always been against swiping.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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My dad at a fast food place

Cashier: swipes Dad's credit card. hands it back.

Cashier: looks at register. Sir, can I see your card again? It didn't work the first time.

Dad: I'm not wearing a cardigan.

πŸ‘︎ 383
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thevach
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
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Why do NASCAR drivers struggle with Tinder?

They only know how to swipe left.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2018
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While buying something with a credit card...

I was getting my card ready to swipe, and the cashier said "strip facing me" and I said "you want me to do WHAT?" He nervously laughed and my wife was very disappointed in me.

Full disclosure: I am a dad

πŸ‘︎ 223
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2013
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My 9-year old got me good

I was telling the kids about a cat I had when was their age and how she loved Tandoori chicken. I explained that when we used to order in Indian food she would sit on the arm of the sofa waiting for someone to bring a chicken leg up to their mouth and then, quick as a flash, swipe it out of their hand and run off with it.

Quick as a flash, my boy said "Well, it WAS a takeaway"

So proud....

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginolard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2016
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Checking out at the register

I was ringing out a son and father at the register. I tell him his total is "seven forty seven" and the father replies "I didn't buy a plane!" and looks at his son to get a quick laugh, but his son wasn't having any of it. Meanwhile, I'm trying to hold my laughter because i know this is a typical dad joke. But that's not the best part.

He swipes his credit card and reads the credit card reader out loud, "Sign Below". He ends up writing "BELOW" as his signature and says out loud to me and his son "It told me to sign 'Below' and so I did". His son responds with "Dad you are so embarrassing" and I'm chuckling out loud cuz I've never seen anyone do that the 3 years I've worked there lol

TL;DR Dad writes "Below" as his signature because he took it literally as any days would.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deepholes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
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Dad joke at Sonic

Ordered two frozen drinks at Sonic, go to swipe my card and the card-reader is out of order. Girlfriend asks if I have any cash, so I open the ash compartment in my car and pull out a 5 dollar bill.

"I didn't even know you kept money in there!"

"Well you aren't supposed to know about it, just like any good slush fund."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chillbroswaggins
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2014
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How my dad pays for groceries... every time

Credit card reader says Please Swipe Card

My dad, "Why would I swipe it, I already own my card"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pattastic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2014
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My mother relayed this story from Christmas shopping with my father.

They get to the register, and comes the time that he's gotta use his debit card.

Clerk: You can swipe it now.

Father: Well, I thought I'd just pay for it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silentxem
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
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