SOS! SOS!
A pilot ejected himself from a plane. He was suspended for a week.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
When my wife found me playing with my sonβs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 6k
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︎ Jan 17 2021
So touching
π︎ 4k
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 07 2021
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 08 2020
A buddy of mine named his dog β5 Milesβ so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
π︎ 17k
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Iβve recently discovered Iβm terrified of elevators, so Iβm taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but Iβm slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! π€©
π︎ 17k
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︎ Nov 12 2020
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
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︎ Jan 15 2021
From my daughter (so proud)
When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
I went to a wedding that was so moving everyone was crying.
Even the cake was in tiers.
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︎ Jan 08 2021
The wedding was so touching that
even the cake was in tiers.
Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Nov 01 2020
So that is why...
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︎ Dec 17 2020
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.
π︎ 583
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︎ Dec 08 2020
And so Sam sung note 7
π︎ 4k
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︎ Oct 29 2020
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
π︎ 974
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I made the Judge laugh so hard
I was guilty of Mans laughter.
π︎ 75
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I'm so sorry.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Nov 12 2020
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,346 matches.
π︎ 477
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︎ Dec 22 2020
I havent read a book in ages. So i decided to start with a book of how clocks work.
π︎ 104
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD.
π︎ 287
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︎ Dec 19 2020
βHey, how much wood have you chopped so far?β
βNot sure. Let me check the logs.β
π︎ 116
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
π︎ 506
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︎ Dec 14 2020
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
π︎ 65
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︎ Jan 05 2021
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
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︎ Jan 09 2021
I've been reading so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I've made a firm new year's resolution..
π︎ 226
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Why are mountains so funny ?
Because they are hill areas.
π︎ 37
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
π︎ 9k
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︎ Oct 09 2020
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
π︎ 87
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︎ Dec 24 2020
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
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︎ Jan 13 2021
My poker cards yesterday were so shitty
π︎ 48
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Why is North Korea so evil?
Because they have no Seoul.
Edit: Thanks for the support and for my first award everyone! I canβt take credit for the joke itself as a friend who passed a number of years made it up in high school, but Iβm sure heβd be ecstatic to see the number of updoots and laughter itβs brought.
π︎ 6k
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︎ Oct 17 2020
The Trump White House is so polite these days.
Everyone there is saying βPardon meβ all the time now.
π︎ 307
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︎ Dec 02 2020
So if you're in line for Pho are you in the
π︎ 17
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︎ Jan 13 2021
Why is it so hard for T. Rex to play the piano?
π︎ 118
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︎ Dec 21 2020
The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
π︎ 182
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︎ Dec 18 2020
So, Iβve been hearing people talk about probiotics and how good they are for you. I donβt buy into it.
I guess you could say that Iβm anti-biotic.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Playing as a Monk in Dungeons & Dragons isnβt so hard.
You just have to roll with the punches and look out for number one.
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 30 2020
The lumberjack loved his computer so much.
He especially liked logging in.
π︎ 35
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︎ Jan 04 2021
I went to the rock-wall place but my debit card was declined, so I had to pay with the coins in my carβs center console.
It was my climb-it change.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Iβm so old
I remember when the Dead Sea was just sick!
π︎ 25
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︎ Jan 10 2021
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is
π︎ 53
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︎ Dec 29 2020
Very slow day/boring. So I'll post an oldie just because.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?...because 7-8-9.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jan 06 2021
My wife looked at me beaming with pride and said, βWow! I never thought our son could go so far!β
I said, βI know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.β
π︎ 60
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︎ Dec 24 2020
So it's 2021 now, then 2022, and then 2023.
I guess the vision for the future is getting worse.
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 05 2021
So yall know how people used wooden dentures in the 19th century? I wonder if women ever tried or thought of using the same idea to increase boob size.
That would be something, now wooden tit?
π︎ 23
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︎ Jan 11 2021
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches
π︎ 14k
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︎ Sep 30 2020
Iβm so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
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