Why da fuck did tha lion eat tha tightrope walker? He wanted er well-balanced meal!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Exactly 50% of Roger Federer’s name is β€˜er’!

That’s it, that’s the joke! ;)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIndrajitKar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Love thy Neigh-er v.redd.it/wjcxcn3m1mg51
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wtflagnard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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I tripped over a box of Kleenex when coming home, needing an ER visit!

Don't worry--it's only tissue damage...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Wasted 4 hours in the ER this morning getting a mole checked out.

Apparently they all look the same and I should have left it in the yard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the man take his Toyota to the ER?

It had Corolla virus

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jason_lmoa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...

"I'm on antidepressants."

He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
You made me a Be-reeve-er Be-reeve-er
πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/homodemen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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I took my 1 year old to the ER with the flu. As the nurse was taking her temperature rectally with the thermometer in the butt, he sympathized with her misery by saying β€œI know, it stinks.”

To which I responded β€œIt certainly will when you take it out.” I accepted the long awkward silence that followed as thunderous applause.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Khoalb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I just got word my ex wife was rushed to the ER and tested positive for COVID-19!

So I guess she wasn’t sick of me?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ah20250
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Got er good
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hi_Im_Rowdy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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I’m an ER nurse and I just found a rectal thermometer in my pocket.

Some asshole’s got my pen!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejoelyrancher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Croc-er Spaniel
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotSocialEngineer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.

He replied β€œOkay, suture self”

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timismickis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My father had a stroke last night. While he was in his bed in the ER with slurred speech and half his face paralyzed, the nurse comes in and asks, "So, what brings you here tonight?"

"The ambulance", he says.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPapiC-Dog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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What did the ER Nurse say to the belligerent, know-it-all surgeon, who came in with a large laceration?

"Well fine, then. Suture self."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MsUneek
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the ER doctor say when the paramedic brought in a badly burnt patient?

Well done

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πŸ‘€︎ u/__________willow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
The ER gave my son a stuffed bear to take home. I named him MRSA Major.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dino_Mamma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I died but the ER staff used defibrillation upon me...

I was shocked!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday in the ER...

Nurse: Is it alright if I give your mom some potassium?

Me: K.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintBlue
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was growing up I wanted to be a professional yoyo-er

I heard the career has a lot of ups and downs

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SavageMan0615
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure

:)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thirstycrow123
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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If you're pretending to be Swedish don't use the name "Splenda". They'll know you are an artificial Sweden-er
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pm_me_anything___
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2017
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My 5 month old got to take home a teddy bear from the ER...

I named him Mrsa Major.

My son is okay. He doesn't have MRSA. But humor helps me (mom) immensely when I am - or my family is - in crisis. I have way better dad jokes than my son's dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dino_Mamma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Being a twice-over dad, can I refer to myself as an Em-Ef'er?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/semanticdm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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How do you get faster wait times in the ER

It's all a matter of how you present yourself

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BLEXXAR
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2018
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I went the hospital ER, but nobody was there to help me...

there was a staff infection going around.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wahnker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
🚨︎ report
This morning I told my wife: I think all the snow will go a bit North-er

Wife: Are you sure it won’t go Easter?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geerlingguy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
🚨︎ report
An email exchange with my Dad after a trip to the ER...

Me to Dad: Hey Dad! How's it going? I'm waiting for stitches. This seriously happens annually. I should buy a suture kit...

Dad to me: Crazy glue works as a surgical glue for some smaller injuries, hurts less than a suture needle, but hey... suture-self.

πŸ‘︎ 168
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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My brother's surgeon burst out into song in the ER

He said it was Open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2017
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Dad joke in ER

Last night, my girlfriend's grandma was admitted to a nearby hospital for a heart rhythm abnormality. The admitting physician was a great guy, and concluded his admission assessment with a spontaneous, and entirely unrelated, dad joke.

"Did you hear about the two burglars who stole a calendar? They each got six months."

He promptly dropped his stethoscope and left. Boom.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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A man was admitted to the ER with 6 plastic horses in his rectum

The doctor told his worried family "he's doing fine and he's in stable condition"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hercules300AAC
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
🚨︎ report
The wrong people seem to be in pao-er

Just an observation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nvr_frgt_dre
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2015
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What did the ER nurse say to the power ranger?

It's morphine time!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2012
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I hop this lil-y note co-wart-ced to pond-er a different parking spot imgur.com/xPNJhnJ
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pooterification
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad-er Things

With my 6yo daughter last night watching the episode of Stranger Things entitled "Holly, Jolly"

Her: is this episode called Holly, Jolly?

Me: Yes, it is.

Her: I hope Holly doesn't die.

Me: I think she'll be pleased with the outcome.

Don't know if this counts, but I got a chuckle out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoByNature
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Classic dadjoke at the ER

Last night at around midnight, I took my friend/roommate/exboyfriend to the ER when he came literally crawling to my room incoherent and sweating and shaking because of head pain.

When we got there I called his parents to let them know what was going on. They rushed over and met us in his room where the doctor was giving him some neurological tests. The ER doc decided it was most likely a migraine or cluster headache and gave my friend pain medicine and an IV, but wanted to do a CAT scan just to rule out any bleeding.

So they took him off to get the scan, and his parents and I sat around talking. His dad was practically falling asleep in his chair as I had woken them up with my call, but he still managed to drop this one when they wheeled my friend back into the room:

He gave the nurse pushing my friend's cart a worried look. "Don't sugar coat it, did you find any cats in there?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whatthefox1818
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
🚨︎ report
So, I brought a fix er upper to my dad's house

I asked him how fast he thought he could get it, and he looked at it, nodded, and said "I think it can go 0 to 60 in about a trip."

it honestly took me a second to understand it...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wild_Harvest
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Just got dadjoked by a patient in the ER

Me - "Sir, my name is 4ourfeathers and I am going to draw your blood."

Patient - "Well, I'll only let you draw my blood if you use markers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/4ourfeathers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joked the New Years Resolution-ers at work

A few of the new trainees approached me at work today and told me how part of their (and probably every other American's) New Years Resolutions were to get in better shape. They proceeded to ask me if I knew any gyms in the area.

Naturally I responded, "No, but I know a few James's"

Groaning ensued.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Honeydipper_Dan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Got the ER nurse and receptionist while being treated.

I sliced the tip of my finger off on a kitchen mandolin and after much convincing from my wife we went to the ER.

Nurse: Sorry for the long wait and thank you for your patience.

Me: This patient's got patience, so no worries.

Wife, nurse and receptionist: groans

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shifty21
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
🚨︎ report
said while standing at a urinal with fellow pee-ers...

"water's a bit nippy, eh?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Allthewaylive215
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joking at the ER after a clavicle fracture

Doctor: Do you want any painkillers? Have you got anything at home?

Me: We've got some paracetamol

Doctor: Would you like anything a bit stronger?

Dad chimes in: I'm sure it couldn't hurt...

He was a bit dismayed the doctor didn't catch it until I started laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charata
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2014
🚨︎ report
If you're pretending to be Swedish don't use the name "Splenda". They'll know you are an artificial Sweden-er.
πŸ‘︎ 251
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pm_me_anything___
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2017
🚨︎ report

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