Apparently they all look the same and I should have left it in the yard.
So I guess she wasn’t sick of me?
It had Corolla virus
To which I responded “It certainly will when you take it out.” I accepted the long awkward silence that followed as thunderous applause.
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
Some asshole’s got my pen!
"Well fine, then. Suture self."
Well done
He replied “Okay, suture self”
"The ambulance", he says.
I was shocked!
Nurse: Is it alright if I give your mom some potassium?
Me: K.
I heard the career has a lot of ups and downs
:)
I named him Mrsa Major.
My son is okay. He doesn't have MRSA. But humor helps me (mom) immensely when I am - or my family is - in crisis. I have way better dad jokes than my son's dad.
It's all a matter of how you present yourself
there was a staff infection going around.
Wife: Are you sure it won’t go Easter?
He said it was Open Mike night.
Me to Dad: Hey Dad! How's it going? I'm waiting for stitches. This seriously happens annually. I should buy a suture kit...
Dad to me: Crazy glue works as a surgical glue for some smaller injuries, hurts less than a suture needle, but hey... suture-self.
The doctor told his worried family "he's doing fine and he's in stable condition"
Last night, my girlfriend's grandma was admitted to a nearby hospital for a heart rhythm abnormality. The admitting physician was a great guy, and concluded his admission assessment with a spontaneous, and entirely unrelated, dad joke.
"Did you hear about the two burglars who stole a calendar? They each got six months."
He promptly dropped his stethoscope and left. Boom.
Just an observation.
It's morphine time!
With my 6yo daughter last night watching the episode of Stranger Things entitled "Holly, Jolly"
Her: is this episode called Holly, Jolly?
Me: Yes, it is.
Her: I hope Holly doesn't die.
Me: I think she'll be pleased with the outcome.
Don't know if this counts, but I got a chuckle out of it.
Last night at around midnight, I took my friend/roommate/exboyfriend to the ER when he came literally crawling to my room incoherent and sweating and shaking because of head pain.
When we got there I called his parents to let them know what was going on. They rushed over and met us in his room where the doctor was giving him some neurological tests. The ER doc decided it was most likely a migraine or cluster headache and gave my friend pain medicine and an IV, but wanted to do a CAT scan just to rule out any bleeding.
So they took him off to get the scan, and his parents and I sat around talking. His dad was practically falling asleep in his chair as I had woken them up with my call, but he still managed to drop this one when they wheeled my friend back into the room:
He gave the nurse pushing my friend's cart a worried look. "Don't sugar coat it, did you find any cats in there?"
Me - "Sir, my name is 4ourfeathers and I am going to draw your blood."
Patient - "Well, I'll only let you draw my blood if you use markers."
A few of the new trainees approached me at work today and told me how part of their (and probably every other American's) New Years Resolutions were to get in better shape. They proceeded to ask me if I knew any gyms in the area.
Naturally I responded, "No, but I know a few James's"
Groaning ensued.
I sliced the tip of my finger off on a kitchen mandolin and after much convincing from my wife we went to the ER.
Nurse: Sorry for the long wait and thank you for your patience.
Me: This patient's got patience, so no worries.
Wife, nurse and receptionist: groans
"water's a bit nippy, eh?"
Doctor: Do you want any painkillers? Have you got anything at home?
Me: We've got some paracetamol
Doctor: Would you like anything a bit stronger?
Dad chimes in: I'm sure it couldn't hurt...
He was a bit dismayed the doctor didn't catch it until I started laughing.
