Smooth Caramel
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/immi07
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
That was smooth
πŸ‘︎ 919
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aCkadoodledo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve just been charged for using sandpaper to kill my victim.

I only wanted to rough him up a bit.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anytime200
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it

Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!

πŸ‘︎ 577
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahh-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My smooth-talking Thanksgiving "gobbler" was overdressed, trendy, pretentious and showy...

It was a JIVE turkey!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did my son use wool on his minecraft airfield runway?

True story.

My son was excitedly telling us about his minecraft airfield that he was building, and he explained that, among many other details that my brain ignored, he made the runway out of wool. Other son asked why. I was very excited to tell him that it was because asphalt was expensive, and wool was sheep.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/millia13
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lifeboat777
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Cha cha real smooth
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CREEPONATER
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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Huh glasses
πŸ‘︎ 292
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ra505
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend only does crimes that are in style...

Arson is so hot right now

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7bladesofgrass
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A man was walking along a stream..

... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.

Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.

He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.

His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.

Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.

This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.

The moral of this story?

Don't judge a brook by it's clover.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I once got my toe nails professionally trimmed. They used a hardened steel tool for smoothing my clipped nails...

In other words, a pedi-file.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a boating business in my attic..

Sails are through the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they condition hospital I.V. bottles?

Because everyone loves smooth saline!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A bald man with a hairpiece needed the restroom during a movie.

He whispered to his date, β€œI have toupeΓ©.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dusk118
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Smooth as butter
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeyitsTonyStark
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is”

πŸ‘︎ 465
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I smooth talked a librarian into giving me a bunch of free books.

I got a way with words.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lunchbockslarry
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve just been charged for killing a man using sandpaper

In my defence I only intended to rough him up a little bit

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Micktheprivz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Some guy threw milk at me today.

How dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freakydude2298
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
He's a smooth criminal...
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedurtyjoo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.

It’s a running joke.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Listening to smooth jazz always helps me fall asleep.

It a sure way to get my mellow tones in.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tab7240
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw a critic of dramatic musicals pick up some women. He's a smooth opera rater.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KickballJesus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2017
🚨︎ report
I would like to share you this joke about peanut butter but I won’t.

Because you might spread it.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I wrote some new jokes and they’re all about butter.

They’re margarinely funny.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shimmywaffles
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone broke into the hardware store and stole all hardened steel tools cutting ridges for forming or smoothing surfaces...

All the files were deleted.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried learning brail recently..

I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamDur030106
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I hired two teenagers to smooth out my lawn, but they did a terrible job.

Literally they can’t even

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
🚨︎ report
LPT: If you are suffering from insomnia, listen to some smooth jazz right before bedtime.

It has a lot of mellow tonin’.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
🚨︎ report
What did Bush use when his plans to invade Iraq weren’t moving smoothly?

WMD-40

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shplurgle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Me, at a fancy restaurant: This wine is smooth, a little citrusy, with a mild touch of oak.

Waiter; Sir, you are drinking 7up.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
🚨︎ report
I told my girlfriend that her skin was really smooth and asked her if she had made Assassin's Creed.

Confused shrug in response

"Because Ubisoft"

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/butts__
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did the happy Office Clerk have really smooth nails?

He loved Filing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DharyaXD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the iron go to a therapist?

Cuz he had metal health problems

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guval25
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
How does an adult film star keep her skin smooth and soft?

She xxx-foliates.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yamhsoj
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
🚨︎ report
How do you make attractive people view your posts?
πŸ‘︎ 273
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMystery12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Satan was really mad when he went bald.

There was hell toupee.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Couldbeurmom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My son wants a porcupine without quills as a house pet.

I said, β€œThat’s completely pointless.”

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
One that came to me in a 3am epiphany. Better when spoken aloud.

There’s two astronauts on a shuttle. It’s going smoothly when one astronaut noticed something wrong with the engine. He turns to the other and says β€œHey, something seems to be wrong with the engine. You think this could be fatal?” The other astronaut replies:

β€œAs tro hope naut.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arachnica
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I was charged with accidentally killing a man with sandpaper.

I didn't mean too. All I wanted to do was rough him up a bit.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they condition all of the I.V. bottles at the hospital?

Everyone loves smooth saline!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report

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