Idiots... they should have just downloaded it.
Clothed.
So we're talking and he sends me a link to the profile of a girl he's been talking to.
I look through her pictures to find an overwhelming amount of rock climbing ones.
He asks, "What do you think?"
I reply, "Well, at least she seems down to earth."
I was talking to a friend on Skype; at one point, I realised that I had to go to the bathroom.
"I'll be right back, I have to pee," I said.
"All right sure," she replied.
When I left, I put my laptop on the floor, the screen facing upwards, so as to avoid the ventilator being drowned by my duvet.
When I returned, I realised the webcam was pointing toward the ceiling, and I asked her:
"Did you find my ceiling interesting?"'
"Nah, I was looking at something else,"
And then, I saw my chance. It was glorious. Like golden wings borne on scarlet sunlight had brought me to Enlightenment, and I instantly replied with what is perhaps my greatest feat of pun yet:
"You know, that really hurts my ceilings."
So me and my Dad were skyping as I live in Canada when he pulls this on me
Me: So I am going to be making Ham and Scalloped potatoes tonight
Dad: Oh yea, thats nice
Me: Yup, Ham seems to be going cheap right now so I picked up a nice one.
Dad: What the hell is wrong with your pigs over there. In England its usually the birds that go cheep cheep and the pigs go oink.
Me: Dad, you have problems.
Dad: What you talking about, you're the one with the clucking pigs I think your situation is a tad worse then mine.
Me: sigh You're hopeless.
Dad and I talking about an upcoming Italy trip over skype.
Dad: Yeah I would like to visit Florence as well
Me: oh, Florence is amazing, I loved it there!
Dad:did you see the machine?
Me: (confused) machine? what machine?..........oh for fucks sake.
Dad laughs, I facepalm
I was telling my parents who live abroad the process of flying my cat home from college in the US. "So after I contact a broker in the Animal Quarantine department there and get their details, I have to contact United again and give them all the info about Sammy: the broker's contact, age/weight, size of the kennel..." Dad: "Why do they need to know the broker's weight?!"
Uuuuugggghhhhh
So my parents were Skyping my sister (who moved many hours away) and her new boyfriend (whom they've never met) and my dad was wearing a hardhat on screen.
Boyfriend: "Why are you wearing a hard hat?" Dad: "Because we're building a relationship!"
Him: "One second I'm just gonna put on my Onepiece" Me: "Why not Naruto?" Silence for a minute
Me: "Hey, I just got elected to be the treasurer of the ... society at my university!" Dad: "Good, then we don't need to pay for your fees anymore."
Tomorrow, a group of friends are having a Skype party trivia night and I need help trying to think of a punny name that involves βCOVID-19β
Anyone got any ideas?
because spoons are pointless
So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.
Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.
Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".
Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly started a boat building business in my garage.. Sails have gone through the roof.
In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now shouting at my parents for leaving the house. I suggested they take up scrabble to keep them occupied.. Turned out to be a bad idea from the word go.
It's been great hearing about how world pollution levels have been failling. I read the story about fish now being visible in the canals in Venice.. I hope that story isnt a load of pollocks! Cod, these were eely bad. Will stop carping on now!
...She picked up a comb during the conversation, looked at her dad and said: "O look dad!" Starts to do random karate moves with this comb "I know COMB FU!"
My husband was so proud...
My best friend lives on the East Coast. Iβm on the West. He often streams his games over Skype so I can hang out and watch. He was playing the Witcher 3, and fighting the water monster men. I said βThey just want to know the shape of you,β and he coincidentally died at that moment.
He got really, really mad. I always knew my puns annoyed him a little, but when I was sad, heβd tell dumb puns heβd google to cheer me up. But he just went into a tangent on how much puns annoy him and how he doesnβt get that I keep doing them over and over again every day whenever I talk with him. Trying to stop or cut back on puns would be pretty difficult and make me sad; I love witty wordplay and commentary, and bottling it up feels awful. But apparently it really, really annoys him.
What should I do?
... and she turns the phone towards me. I had my hair up, so my forehead was sticking out. I cover my forehead with my hand.
"Ew, my forehead is the width of four fingers."
My mom, without skipping a beat, says; "Well, yeah! It's a FOURhead!"
She gave a very satisfied smile while I just glared at her.
He always makes these lame jokes.
Before he left, he said he'll Skype me from Japan and said "see you on the flip side!"
Sigh, oh Nara.
During our Skype call last night:
Her: "Hey, you should sing me a song."
Me: "Ok! Here's my favorite song."
Me: "..."
Me: "..."
Me: "..."
Her: "Well, are you going to start?"
Me: "I already did. I'm singing the Sound of Silence!"
No matter how stupid the jokes are, the groans are always worth it.
http://i.imgur.com/MIR1SPo.png
We were Skyping, and I was trying to figure out the delay between the audio and the video. I said "ping", as I often do when this issue occurs, and she replies "ping" back to signal when she heard me. Sometimes, when she doesn't do it the first time, it gets confusing and I don't know which one she is responding to.
So I switched my word to "taco" in the hopes that it'd break the cycle. No go. She goofed it again.
When I said "I give up", she said "Wait! Let's taco 'bout this."
I love that girl.
Context: I'm homeschooled and a Boy Scout, there's a campout in the next few weeks we can take our bikes to
I'm Skyping with my grandma who lives several hours away from me and my brother is up there visiting, and he said I can't borrow his bike. I told him "I wasn't anyways, it doesn't have brakes." and a few seconds later I said "So I guess there's nothing you can do to stop me."
We all laughed and there was a groan.
So I was talking to my friend on Skype, and my dad walks up,
"Hey, (friend's name), be careful. Teddifus has a cold and I think he coughed on the screen. You might get a computer virus."
Gold.
Customer: I'd like help setting up Skype so I can talk to my son.
Me: Oh, is he abroad?
Customer: No he's a man, he just lives overseas.
Me: ...
I have a teenaged son who just simply doesn't get dad jokes. At all. Today he was in his bedroom with his door mostly closed, but open just a crack, and he was playing some game on his computer and Skyping with a friend. He gave me a great opportunity as I walked by his door so I lobbed an easy one at him.
Him (excitedly yelling) : "I have silent boots on!"
Me: "Sounds to me like you're wearing loud boots"
Him: "No. They're silent"
*sigh*
My dad and I were on Skype with my grandfather, talking about my college life. I said "I might study abroad or something." They both simultaneously said "Which broad are you going to study?"
After a long day at school i was on skype with a friend with she told me to take a rest from work, jokingly i said "oh yeah make me " she said "you better or ill hit you with these" pointing to some batteries she had in her hand. As seriously as possible i respond with "ill charge you with assault and battery " i laughed for like five minutes. She hung up but totally worth it.
I had ended the skype call due to audio problems. Called back & went back to cooking while it rang. I was turned away to cook. Her greeting? You're back! Literally! I'm so proud.
Talking with my girlfriend on skype.
Me: Went by my buddies room earlier to talk to him, but he wasn't there.
Her: Where was he?
Me: I don't know. He wasn't there for me to ask him.
shakes head with a smirk
Context: My friends and I were playing an RPG (along the lines of DnD) over skype. I was describing a past event in my perpetually ridiculously drunken bard's life.
Friend 1: So wait, were you drunk at this moment?
Friend 2: Do you need to ask?
Me: Well, I only had a few pints of whiskey that evening. In terms of drinking, those were my light years.
Friend 1: Would you say that those were your...
...buzzed light years?
So many levels of pun, I couldn't believe it.
When I was skyping with my girlfriend last night at one point she got up to close the door but as she did it she said to me "hold on." So I waited for her to leave the screen and then immediately scribbled the word "On" onto a piece of paper and then held it up in front of the webcam, and screamed "Got It!" She sat down confused wondering what I had and then after reading the words she fell back in her bed laughing.
Tl;dr I held "on"
Can you Dad joke someone you're a guardian to?
Anyway
A friend has been doing some house decorating recently, I just had following Skype conversation with her daughter (my ward)
Her : Gonna do some painting with Mum in a minute
Me : I'd use a brush
My father is working in China at the moment so mum often skypes with him. However, I hadn't talked to him for a couple of months before tonight. So I sat down and said, 'hello dad, I've missed you!' and he said, 'well then, you'll have to improve your aim.'
Typical.
My paternal progenitor dropped this bomb on me during a recent skype chat. Background: I am currently living in Australia and told him I ate a kangaroo burger.
"Do you know what it's called when they cook meat from the front of a kangaroo? A hot pocket!"
Is he not the most Dadish Dad?
Me, my dad, and my little brother were in the backyard shooting beer cans with a .45-70 rifle. When we came back in I started talking to some friends on Skype. My dad comes in to my room and tells me to ask my friends if they've ever shot a .45-70. When I told them we were shooting beer cans, my dad says "I guess you can say it was alcohol abuse.". Cue simultaneous groans from friends.
I was showing my dad my new apartment via skype the other day. When I gave him a view of my room he comments, "Ahh look at that new work bench."
[scene: me talking to my girlfriend on Skype]
Her: Is there a clock nearby? I can hear the tick-talking.
Me: Well what is it saying?
Not an actual told by dad joke, but it was definitely along those lines. So, Skyping with SO and friend from Canada, and SO and I are talking about moving in together and finding an apartment. I made the suggestion that my best friend move in with us, the following conversation ensues.
Me: The only issue I have with her moving in is... Oliver.
Friend: Uh...
SO: Friend has child.
F: Oh. I thought the only issue you had with her was all of her.
During a Skype chat, where my sister's profile photo was a beautiful landscape with flowers.
Dad: Did you find that photo somewhere online or did you take it?
Sister: I took it!
Dad: What! Who did you take it from? You know that's stealing, right?
Groans all around.
(bonus mediocre joke: my sister was mentioning how she writes to her friend who lives in Germany, but her friend never checks her email. "Of course she doesn't, she's German, not Czech," quoth Dad.)
Me and my girlfriend were talking about getting 5 fruit and veg a day over Skype when she spotted me chewing on my headphones.
She said, 'Stop chewing your head phones, they're not part of your five a day. (Pause) even though they're Apple!'
So, I inherited my father's hilariously lame sense of humor and love of dad jokes. A few years ago I was Skyping with my parents and my mom was telling me how they would come home and find our cats up on the kitchen table laying on the laptop. She said something along the lines of "I wonder why they're doing it so much."
I responded (rather quickly, I might add) with "They're probably looking at kitty porn."
My dad was mad that he didn't think of it himself.
Scene: on skype with my brother and he is showing us old pictures that he had from my old laptop, and he sees an old picture of our dad (who is currently behind me)
Brother: "Hey you look like Geraldo Rivera...er Geraldo Rivera?"
(pronounced like Gerald-o and then Herald-o)
Brother: "How do you say it anyways?"
Dad: "Well, it depends on how you pronounce it."
