The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amplifi-dash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer

I guess it goes without saying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Westerfield
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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When I'm reading, I hate the silence, but music with words is too distracting., so I always play music without it.

It's instrumental to my comprehension.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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I’m not surprised Silence of the Lambs won Oscars, its an offally good film

I’ll get my coat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dogburster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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Silence is golden.

Unless you have young children then silence becomes suspicious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100Β° temperature...

You will be mist.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/--Giraffe--
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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Two wind turbines were standing around, complete silence except for the wind, when one asks the other, "Hey, what kind of music do like?" The other one thinks for a few revolutions and says,

"I'm a really big heavy metal fan."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/centstwo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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I tried taking a vow of silence.

It’s easier said than done.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jayneonthecobb
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way home from work. But I was met with a stony silence.

I think she still regrets letting me name the kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
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"Silence!" he shouted.

"Irony!" I thought.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevebox2345
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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Today I found out who the patron saint of silence is.

It is St.Fu.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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Just happened. An awkward silence followed until it finally clicked.

Friend: watching TV show called Sunday "I wonder when Sunday ends."

Me: "11:59 I think."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpaceLeopard
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2015
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I was in a really bad mood earlier because my wife accused me of always trying to turn everything in to a joke. After hours of awkward silence, she finally gave in and asked, "What's the matter!?"

I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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I got my daughter so good today I stunned her into silence

My daughter comes home from school and plops down in the chair in front of me hands in her hair

Daughter: My Homework is SOO gay

Me: I'm glad to hear that it's LGTBY friendly

She gives me a blank stare with a few blinks for about 10 seconds

Daughter: What!? Dad.. NO! It's not that! I mean it's... Just... no!

Me: Oh! so it's happy then! I'm glad your homework had a great day at school!

My daughter exhales sharply

Daughter: Sure dad, it's Happiest homework ever!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/obievil
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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Silence is golden!

Duct tape is silver... silver can be made into gold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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[Webcomic] - Breaking the Silence mrlovenstein.com/comic/65…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dariusj18
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
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Everyone could walk around in silence

If you think long enough about it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bjoerntitussen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2017
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Did you hear about the tennis match played in absolute silence?

There was no racquet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snewo33
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2013
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At what piece of furniture does the Silence of the Lambs villain deliver his speeches?

A Hannibal Lectern

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amishandroid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2015
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Got my 8 year old brother with double pun, that left him in silence and me in laughter (as usual)

Playing soccer with my 8 year old brother (I'm sortve like an uncle to him) when he then says his eye is hurting.

Me: Really are you okay?

Him: Yeah it's alright. It happens sometimes when I'm reading and i can't make out the words.

Me: (thinking he may have dyslexia) Oh really, what happens to the words when you try to read them?

Him: I can't read them. Sometimes words just moosh together, like "they" and "are" become one word, it's weird.

Me: Maybe you just have conjunctivitis!

XD

(Then had to explain what "conjunctivitis" and a "conjunction" is - still a win in my books)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Behemoth_The_Cat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2015
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Fastest way to silence teenage drama

When I was a teen, feeling properly unheard as any teen girl does, anytime I'd say, "Nobody ever listens to me!" my dad would always respond, "What?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kackygreen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
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My Drivers Ed instructor felt the silence

We were taking a final in drivers ed and one of the questions was "How long does it take to fall into a stare" and the instructor said, "Wait a minute I have to go stretch" and so he walked outside so we could see him out the window and he proceeded to intentionally trip down the stairs. He walked back inside and said "That should answer that," and everyone sat their uncomfortably until he looked closer at the paper and said, "oh, I thought it asked how long does it take to fall into a stair". Needless to say there was the longest uncomfortable silence, accompanied by a faint cough in the back...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fourstago
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2015
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