Yesterday, our boss Monty asked us to check the stock of vegetable shortening.

It was the count of Monty’s Crisco.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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I'm Adam. In the spirit of Kanye shortening his name to Ye, I'm going to be a more positive person and shorten mine to Ad.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/llehsadam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
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Where do shortened versions of movies go to play with each other?

A trailer park.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllArePunished
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to dick,

Especially when his name is Steve.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OttoTheGeezer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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This book was shortened too much.

It was abridged too far.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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My first dad joke here (shortened version)

Rowan Atkinson is travelling through mexico , decides to have lunch at a local restaurant. He orders a burrito . when full Rowan still has a little bit of food left on his plate , he takes his plate up to the waitress and says "that is the nicest burrito I've ever had, thank you" The waitress points at Tthe left over food and says " but you missed a bean"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Creative_Mud
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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What did the kid that hated winter do to shorten it?

He summerized it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigjwuigi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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I asked the judge to shorten my sentence and

he interrupted me

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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I just found out that Bill Nye is just a stage name.

His real name is William New Year’s Eve.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Smoking is bad

it shortens your lungevity

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I told my kids we would watch the shortened version of Moana the other day.

Lessana!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tonythomasson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2017
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You guys want to hear another joke about butter?

Idk it's pretty long... I was thinking about shortening it!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GawdFro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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Someone called me average today.

That's mean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyroger24
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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Ohm my!!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2017
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I can't believe the results of the Australian Election this year.

Bill really got the shorten of the stick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darthmonks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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My Uncle has been on a roll with Halloween dad jokes...
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jojo9591
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
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I went to college with a woman named Nonstick Cooking Spray.

She kept shortening it to Pam, but I knew what she meant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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I got a new pair of pants that were too long.

I considered taking them to a tailor to get shortened, but I think doing it myself was the more earnest hemming way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GodMonster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2017
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The new Xbox will be called "Xbox One X"

I guess it can be shortened to "Xbo"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tacoman3005
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2017
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there is a serious lack of possible bear puns, can any of you think of more?

The problem with bears as a pun topic is that there are only 6 possible puns and most of them are stretches.

  1. bear double meaning with tolerate

  2. pandanother thing

  3. grizzly double meaning with horrific

4)kodiak double meaning with camera

5)koalalifications

6)and Ursidae the family classification can be shortened to sound like ursa and be used instead of "or so" like in the phrase "or so i was told".

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2012
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Heard while at work.

Teller, commenting on how much a customer's son has grown.

Teller: He's getting so big, you've got to make him stop that.

Kid's dad: I've been putting Crisco on him, because the can says it's shortening.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trrwilson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2014
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This only works in Japanese

In Japanese, a standard transmission is called γƒŸγƒƒγ‚·γƒ§γƒ³ "mission" (they like to shorten and repurpose words). My wife can't drive a stick, so I said she was "Mission Impossible," getting groans from my kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/peterinjapan
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
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What did the cop say to the criminal when they met in the restroom?

> "Hey! Urine trouble!" "If you come clean now we may shorten your punishment

 

 

> That was a really crappy pun

 

 

> I should just flush this joke away

 

 

> I bet you're really pissed at me for this, but don't shit on me

 

 

>I should cleanse myself of these puns

 

 

^Maybe ^I ^should ^stop ^now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeRp_Meister
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
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Hayve

I'm not a good storyteller so I'm sorry if the cadence is bad.

As a kid, I always used to yell "Have" (pronounced HAY-ve, like "glaive") at my dog if it was doing something bad. It was a shortened thing I picked up from my mom.

Anyways, I dad-joked a lady pretty good as she was walking by the house one day, after my dog ran out the gate and started jumping up trying to lick her face. She was laughing as I kept yelling, "Haveee! Haaaave!!" and said, "Is that your dog's name? Haive?"

To which I said, "No, but I want her to beHave."

...That was a good day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Heretikos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
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My dad tried to make us laugh during dinner with a joke

My family and I were discussing the difference between soul sisters and sisters. My brother pointed out that the quote 'blood is thicker than water' is actually shortened from 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb'. Dad says 'I guess there's always womb for interpretation.' Ba dum, tsss.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CATSHARK_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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The Minister for Prison's new law

My Father messaged me, out of the blue, showing me what Dads do best: "The minister for prisons has persuaded the government to pass a law to require all sentences to be shorten" Wow.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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Dadjoking Shorty (part 1)

A bit of backstory. I'm notorious among my circle of friends for telling "terrible puns/jokes" I think it's amazing, but I'd been rolling them out all day, patience for puns must've gotten shortened.

I'm talking with Shorty (named because she had short hair) and she was telling me about a book she had started.

Shorty "So the book's called 'Cutting for Stone' and it's like a doctor drama kinda thing, the only issue is that that it's super heavy on the medical terminology, so many bloody surgeries and procedures are listed, and I don't really know anything about that kids stuff. Like it's got an interesting plot but I don't know if I can't finish it, I'm not to sure I'm cut out for it"

At that last line I began laughing (her pun was unintentional) and compliment her on it "ha that was good. You're not 'cut out' for it"

Shorty "Oh god that was terrible just stop"

Me "You want me to 'cut' it out?"

Shorty "I'm going to kill you if you keep this up woman"

Me "You're gonna 'cut' me up?"

Shorty "Your jokes are terrible and it's proven that puns make people angry"

At this point I was just rolling in my chair laughing I really couldn't keep it together, possibly the best reply rolls through my head after this comment, I crack up, there I am choking out as tears come to my eyes. "Well it's a good thing it's not a PUNishable offense"

The girl next to me starts laughing as shorty yells at me how I can't just start crying at my own jokes.

TLDR; A witty banter of sharper than usual humor, as I walk a razor thin line of pissing off my friend and pissing myself with laughter.

I have many other stories so I titled this part one,if anybody likes my writing and jokes I'll share the rest!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bingo4913
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.

Especially because his name’s Steve.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shonzo18
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick...

Especially since his name is Steve

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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I just found out that Bill Nye is just his stage name.

His real name is William New Years Eve.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report

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