See You Later Puns

My son and his great grandpa always go back and forth with these sayings. We need some good ones to surprise him with!

Sorry not a joke but need some new replies other than, In a while crocodile

... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

Dad: 'Turn around and you'll see me now!'

"OK man, caiman"

He said "See you later, Alligator!", I started to reply with the usual "in a while, crocodile" but he beat me to it with "don't forget your toilet paper!"

So proud, he'll crank a few dad jokes put when he has children of his own!

It might be old (this is reddit!) but I never heard it before, I wish I knew that one as a kid!

An in-vest-igator

Thats going to come back to bite them....

Well it won't be long now

bison

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. A moment later, the voice says, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. He believes the voice is gone, when he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”
He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”

The bartender says “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary”.

I was in the hospital all night waiting to be seen

Without any hesitation, the homeless man pounces into the water to save him. After doing CPR on the well dressed man he coughs the water from his lungs, the business man gratefully thanks the homeless man.

The business man says "Is there anything I can do for you? Money is something not out of the question."

The homeless man responds "I'd honestly just be grateful for a job, sir."

So the business man nods "That is something I can definitely help you out with, have you ever had an opportunity to work on a cruise ship?"

A few days later, the homeless man is hooked up with working a job as a janitor for the night shift. The captain of the ship tells the homeless "We just need you working night shift, and since this is a provide entertainment for higher classed individuals, we can't have you wondering around during the day. On the off hand you're pleased to do whatever you please after your shift." The homeless man then nods understanding the situation.

Later during that night the captain is casual watching over the homeless man in his free time, and he's absolutely baffled by this dive he's witnessed. He rushes down to him and explains

"Do you have any idea how insane that dive was?"

The man just mutters to the captain "No? It's was just a simple dive, right?"

The captain examines "In my entire life I have never seen some dive without making a simple SPLASH! There has never been a human alive to this date that was able to accomplish what you just did!"

The man is taken aback for a second and says "So what are you saying to me?"

The captain rambles on more "I'll make a deal with you, every night we're going to take the diving board up, and we're going to put on a show for every single passenger."

So every night they're training, taking the diving board higher and higher, and every singletime he hit the water there isnt a single splash. Then the day finally came and all the passengers flood around the boat to see the dive. So the man approaches the ladder and he just starts climbing and climbing. He climbed till he couldn't see the boat anymore, and he climbed till he could see curvature of the Earth.

And finally he jumps. He's just falling and falling till he passed the clouds then can finally see the boat. His formation falls into perfection. He finally hits the pool and like ever other night there wasn't singular splash. But he keeps going and smashes through the ENTIRE ship. So the man swims around to the side of the sinking ship.

The captain

She came inside with bloody hands and said, “Can you check and see…I think I broke my tailbone?”

I’ll take a look…with my 8 year old son and 5 year old daughter beside me, I drop her sweats down and say, “Oh, sweetie, it’s broken…”.

My kids looked at me because they don’t see it and she says, “It is?”

“Yeah, look…there’s a big crack in it!”

[we still laugh at this 20 years later, chiropractor later confirms it with a X-ray years later that it was broken]

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in a while. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

That’s why you’re very likely to see them again.

THAT’S WHY THERE IS A HIGH CHANCE THAT THEY WILL SEE YOU LATER

Two men are lost in the desert, and are desperate for water.

Knowing they are just hours away from certain death, they see a group of three tents in the distance. They stagger towards the tents, realizing that this may be their last hope.

Entering the first tent, they see an Arab trader, and the first man gasps: "Water, water...!"

The trader replies, "I'm sorry my friend, I've only got mixed fruit here."

"What?! Mixed fruit?" says the thirsty man.

"Yeah, just mixed fruit, sorry," replies the trader. "Try next door."

The men enter the next tent, and again the first man gasps: "Water, water...!"

The trader inside replies, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've only got jelly."

"What? I don't believe this," says the man.

"Yeah, just loads of jelly. There might be water in the last tent, you could try there," suggests the trader.

Reaching the last tent they crawl in. "Water, water...!" gasps the first man.

The trader, immediately looks apologetic, and says, "I'm sorry, I've only got custard here."

The thirsty men are now distraught. "Forget you and your tents," says the first man. "That was totally useless!"

Together with his friend, he staggers back into the desert.

A little later, the first man turns to his friend and says, "Back there with the tents, that was a bit weird wasn't it?"

"Yes," says his companion, "it was a trifle bazaar."

Me: I'm not sure yet, but it's definitely growing on me.

A new worker, Rowan, is starting at a factory job and is receiving instructions from their manager, Colm.

"The items come out in batches over here. You're going to sort them by eye and place them into the corresponding shelves for the guys on the other side to stack and move out. There are five possible label colors, indicating destination," he gestures at the column labels above the shelves. "Within each color the stack order doesn't matter except that our most fragile product, our red flowers, have to ship out on top and then any cans of caviar just below them. So if either of those products are in the batch, put them on their corresponding higher shelf. Everything else goes on the lower shelf."

Rowan gets the gist and begins work placing items in their appropriate column of shelves, keeping an eye out for flowers and caviar.

However, there is little to do. The prodigious worker just before this step in the assembly line had been picking up the slack while Rowan's position was vacant, and hadn't been told yet that the job was filled.

So Rowan waits for any sorting to be needed, but each batch of items that arrives is only ever one color of tag, and the delicate items are always already on top. All day, Rowan only ever has to move them over to the correct column.

Later in the day, Colm is checking up on Rowan, not realizing that their work today is redundant. He sees from across the factory that Rowan isn't doing much work and has lots of downtime between new batches. So he makes the long walk over to them.

"Rowan, why aren't you sorting all those items into separate columns? You're just moving them into one column every time!" argues Colm, annoyed.

"Well, each batch always consists of only one color. I don't know what to tell you," replies Rowan.

"I'm sure thats not true! And I suppose the rose and roes just rose to the top rows?"

Rowan just shrugs and says "Look, I just column like I see 'em."

“Cyan-ara!”

I was in the library reading the morning paper when a chicken walked in. It strutted up to the librarian's desk, and jumped right up on top.

"Bawk" it said.

The librarian said, "You would like a book. Ok. Wait here. " Moments later the librarian brings a book to the chicken, and the chicken leaves.

A week later, I was in the library reading the morning paper when the same chicken comes in, walks up to the librarian's desk and jumps up. "Bawk, bawk" says the chicken.

The librarian says, "You would like two books". She returns with two books, and the chicken leaves with the books tucked under her wing.

A week after that, I was sitting in the library reading the morning paper. In walks the chicken and struts right up, and then jumps on top of the librarian's desk. "Bawk bawk BAAAWWWk!" it screams.

Without batting an eye, the librarian says, "I see. You would like three books. Two short ones and a long one. I'll be right back".

I had just finished reading the morning paper, so I decided to follow this chicken. Out the door it went, across the street, to get to the other side of course, down the alley, past the shell station, across the play ground to the other slide, into the forest, and then to a pond. The chicken sees a frog and walks over to it.

The frog takes the three books. Looks at them for a moment, and then shakes his head. "Reddit, reddit, reddit" he says.

"one will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while!"

A man walks into a pub and orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject, "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."
"'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening -- he orders only two beers. Word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Between you and me man, something smells.

One you’ll see later and one you’ll see after awhile!

For many years he collected all kinds of them. Red snails, green snails, blue snails, snails with conical shells, snails with circular shells, whatever he could find.

There was one type he didn't like however: snails with bumpy shells. The bumps just looked incredibly ugly to him.

As the years went by, he became known in various collector communities for being the Snail-Man. That's how he met his wife.

Unfortunately, while she also loved snails, she loved the ones with bumpy shells.

Despite this, they got along swimmingly. They were happily married for 45 years.

Eventually, his wife was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. A local newspaper decided to interview Snail-Man about his experiences collecting snails with his wife over the years.

"You and your wife were world-renowned snail collectors. You must be taking this loss pretty hard." the interviewer said.

"To be honest" he responded "I'm pretty relaxed about the whole situation."

Surprised the interviewer asked "why"?

"She liked bumpy snails, but now that she's gone it's all smooth snailing from here."

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

To which the lift attendant replied: "Maybe not, but I brought you up didn't l?"

One you see later; the other after a while.

One says "See you later" and the other says "After a while".

that is why there is a high chance that they will see you later.

One will see you later and the other will see you in a while

One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.

because you’re not around