Scarred from a lifetime of bad Dad jokes.

I texted my girlfriend that I was done with her Valentine's Day Present early. She responds, "Damn, You're ahead!" Without hesitation, I answer "I have a body too!"

I hate myself. I am my father.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/BirdManJr
šŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2014
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I have a scar from an axe on my finger

It was an axident

šŸ‘︎ 52
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/mrkapid
šŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison.

Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

šŸ‘︎ 13k
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/SnakehoundXE
šŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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Having surgery with local anesthesia is a SCARRING experience
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šŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Check out the battle scar on my arm. Made from scratch.
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/gradymegalania
šŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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This pun was so bad , It left a scar.
šŸ‘︎ 1k
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
šŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2017
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Scars have stories
šŸ‘︎ 39
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/wakkyandbrakky
šŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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Never thought they would nerf the Scar
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/nnamregnaH
šŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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Who Do You Think You Are, Runnin Round Leavin Scars
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/cas_chaoticstar
šŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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I have a DIY scar on my knee.

It was made from scratch.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/awssjay
šŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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šŸ‘︎ 4
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šŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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Why does the sky have scars?

Because of skyscrapers.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Starglider14
šŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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What's Uncle Scar's favorite deli meat to put on his sandwiches?

SalaaaaaaMIIIIIIIIII!

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/jmm10b
šŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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What did Scar say after he fixed his car horn?

BEEP REPAIRED

šŸ‘︎ 60
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/pickelsurprise
šŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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What did Scar to Simba say right before he died?

I've made my bed, I'm ready to lion it.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/TrudieBeakman
šŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
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My Dad found out he had cancer

He comes home from the doc and we all have heard by this point but nobody says anything. He asks my bros and I to meet him in the back room. With a sigh he says "I think we need to address the elephant in the room." He then pulled out a small glass elephant from his pocket and said "okay, here it is."

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/HPAP
šŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2016
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Did you know the Lion King has a much deeper meaning than most people realize?

It's totally full of Simba-lism.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/wuapinmon
šŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
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My dad, type 2 diabetic, after 11 months of suffering chemo/radiation treatment for pancreatic cancer, 5 months after he was told the surgery failed and it was terminal. Brother reads off the back of a Sweet'N Low packet "...been determined to cause cancer to laboratory animals" Dad snaps back

"Bullshit! I've been using that stuff for years and...(looks at 13" scar across his stomach from whipple procedure to remove tumors, looks back at family for effect) oh... shit..."

Never lost his great attitude towards life, family, and people in general. Always quick with a joke/dad joke until the end.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Dude0311
šŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
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Lies out parents told us when we were little.

I'll start with mine.

  1. If you eat the seeds of the watermelon, a watermelon plant will grow in your stomach.

  2. If you grow up in a foreign country your face will turn into one of a foreigner (as chinese immigrants to spain, my parents told me this to get me to go to school)

  3. My grandpa used to tell me that if I moved too much after eating the food would leak into my blood veins and I would die. Needless to say that scarred me for a long period of my infancy.

  4. My grandma, conversely, told me that if I slept face down I would crush my heart and die. Screw you, grandma...

  5. One of the most cruel lies was from my uncle, in which every time we heard police sirens, he would hurry and exclaim that the police was going after me for having too many toys... Made me scared of cops for a long time.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Dronelisk
šŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
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Friend saw something about a stabbing in the news

Friend- if I saw someone get stabbed I would be scarred for life Me- I bet the guy that got stabbed is too

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Buckythekid
šŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
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Bill Bryson's Dad

I was at an event where Bill Bryson was speaking and he told this story about his father.

We were going to the San Andres Fault and when we got there we were all taking in this incredible scar running across the landscape and my father suddenly throws a quarter into the fault. When we looked at him confused, he just said, "I've always strove to be generous to a fault."

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Falling323
šŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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My pops got me good today.

So my dad has this little mole thing right under his lip where he usually grows his soul patch. Today he went to the dermatologist to get it biopsied. I met up with him afterwards and we were discussing the fate of his mole and what might happen if he cuts it off. Me: "what if it leaves a scar?" Dad: "it's okay I'll just grow my soul patch again and cover it" Me: "but what if the hair doesn't grow back? What if it leaves a hole?" Dad: "then it'll be a hole patch" Me: groans for all of eternity

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/meowmeowmonicat
šŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
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After I said it, she told me I'd ruined everything ever.

Was with the girlfriend and she was pointing out scars she had. When she pointed out one on her hand I started smacking a rhythm out on her hand. When she asked "What are you doing?" I simply replied: "I'm playing some ska!"

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Clarrington
šŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
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