The other day I was driving by a prison and an unusually small person was scaling down the wall. I looked up at him confused as he sneered back at me.

And I thought to myself, well that’s a little condescending.

sorry it’s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZealousidealRise7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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I was cruising one day and saw a midget scaling down the wall of a prison

I thought "That's a lil condescending"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatwondude83
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
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Scaling a rock face
πŸ‘︎ 333
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mike_pants
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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Mohs scale pun

In science class we did a mohs scale project. Basically I drew a dude saying β€œwelcome to moh’s”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allstarhi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Man-made Asteroid Belt. Astronomical scale pun, now available on earth. jasonruane.com/index.php/…
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/username-root
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
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I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, β€œIs it to scale?” I replied, β€œNo…”

β€œIt’s to look at.”

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...

She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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One for the intellectuals (and the kitchen-dwellers). Digital scales are so fragile.

I can tare them with one finger. I am SO sorry everyone have a great day.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Will_MMIV
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?

There would be mass confusion

πŸ‘︎ 925
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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I was on the bathroom scales, sucking my stomach in.

Thinking I was trying to weigh less with this manouver, my wife commented, "I don't think that's going to help !!"

"Sure it does " I retorted "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Today morning when I stood on the weighing scale it didn't move at all

I was like 0MG

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oakvard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Banana for scale imgur.com/vWkEliR
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoBeefy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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The political climate is so polarizing these days that even Do, Re and Mi decided to form their own independent left leaning musical scale and vote Democratic.

When questioned they just stated they were now Anti Fa.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BLT5000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Have you heard the joke about the electronic scale?

It’s tareable

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LiberoskiH
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Kitchen scale

My 5 yr old son pulled down the kitchen scale and asked me what it was for. I explained what it was and we left the kitchen.

Later, my wife asks me what our son was asking about so I told her we were talking about what the kitchen scale is used for. She then asks me "Why is it still on the counter? Why didn't you put it away?!"

I said "Because, we were weighing his options."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/machinehead-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My son needed a history tutor, so I handed him some cereal and a scale

β€œTime to learn about Chex and balances”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncleIroh_MD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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To the person that stole my broken bathroom scale...

... You won’t get a weigh with this!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A midget escaped from prison by using bed sheets tied together and scaled down the outside wall. He left a note detailing his escape plan, highlighting the prison guards stupidity and incompetence.

The Warden said "he's a little condescending"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.

"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I kept asking my dad over and over what scales are used for

He said weight

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharlieTom02
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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My wife said on a scale of 1 to 10, she rates me an 11

I was so happy but then she told me it was a pH scale because I’m basic as hell.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Did you see my new talking scale?

It has a weigh with words.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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How do you call a hipster’s weighting scale?

An insta-grammer

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVinceee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the best temperature scale to use for the ocean?

Shellsius

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyMo1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Why should you eat your meals from a weighing scale?

So you can have a balanced diet.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself...

my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahmaybe2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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Models of dragons are not to scale
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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Fishes are pretty easy to weigh

They have their own scales

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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Quarantine day 25: Found my husband working on the patio with his scroll saw. Yes. It's a scale model.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cynthiaimprov
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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What side of a fish has the most scales?

The outside.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/3Gums
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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I’ve been rating everyone’s bathroom on a scale from one to ten. I’ve gotta say...

Urinate.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tswart92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the party held for devices used to weigh tractor trailers' loads?

It was a large scale celebration.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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I bet the scale is feeling a little under the weather
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wtflagnard
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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Ms. Richie: Hey, remind me what comes after Do and Re on the musical scale?

Lionel: Hello, is it Mi you are looking for?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How good are those fishy puns, on a scale from 1-10?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/00eleven
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
About a year ago, I had this friend named Uriah, who I called β€œU”. I gave my old motorcycle to him, because I had just bought a new one. Soon thereafter, he put it on a scale.

Last Christmas, I gave Yamaha. But the very next day, U gave it a weigh.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Driving by the prison the other day I saw a midget scaling down the outer wall.

And I thought that’s a little condescending.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sk1wbw
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, "Is it to scale?"

I replied, "NO!! It's to look at."

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, β€œHa! That’s not going to help!”

β€œSure, it does.” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.

Ha! That’s not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. Its the only way I can see the numbers.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBigReeeeee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that the bathroom scales were broken. I said...

No way.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

πŸ‘︎ 231
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alluxin_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

πŸ‘︎ 267
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report

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