That’s a rational expression.
πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chocolaterush
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Not mine but hay, its still pretty good
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/W4ffl3copter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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Not just barbers

Quirky animal lovers use their hare to express themselves

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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There's a girl group that consist of failed fashion models.

They are called One Expression

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TL4Life
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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What do breast pumps and I statements have in common?

They help you express yourself.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grandviewsurfer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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I just found out that β€œAAARGHH” is not a real word

I can’t express how angry I am

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Two travelers are lost in the woods when they come across a man lying in their path.
         One says, β€œWe’re saved! We can ask him for directions!” His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
          β€œDoesn’t something seem off to you about this man?” he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
          β€œWhat do you mean?” said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
          β€œI mean we can’t trust a thing he says. He’s a pathological lier.”
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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I can always identify people who have a hard time counting to 10.

They are usually ahead of me in the express lane at the grocery store.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
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I needed a shirt ironed quicked so I asked a former girlfriend,

but she doesn't offer express service.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GSX-R1000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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Math?

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4)/7 + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0

Well measured.

>!The expression evaluates true, but it also forms a limmerick when read out loud (click it to read a spoken version).!<

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barwhack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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To the man who stole my thesaurus...

I cannot find the words to express how upset I am!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niqulaz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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I've just had 22 optometrists tell me I need to wear glasses

That's the last time I referee a Specsavers v Vision Express football match!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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How does Sir Lancelot ship his armor to the jousting tournament?

U.S. Mail Over Knight Express

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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I bought a dictionary the other day, but when I got home it was just blank pages

I have no words to Express how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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[META] Is this the ultimate dad joke?

A while ago, my daughter told me she was into fan fiction. I told her I used to be as well, but I changed to air conditioner fiction... because it was cooler.

She was not amused.

I have now created a subreddit called r/AirConditionerFiction

If you have the time and the desire, drop by and leave a short work of fiction regarding air conditioning. If this is successful, I will give my daughter a link and wait to see her facial expression. I will also prepare for being put in a less-then-stellar retirement home.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/welded_angus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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A promise

For my highschool, Prom is this weekend. A group of friends asked the guy behind me in class wether or not he was going. He said no. He then said...

"I promise to go next year"

Then I turned around and said...

"Oh. You... PROM-ise to go next year?"

He said yeah then went back to work. 5 seconds later he slowly looked up at me with the "really?" Expression.

Worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Got a co-worker with this one as he was heading home after a 24hr shift.

I work in the investigations section of a military police department, and aside from our normal office hours, we have 24hr shifts that cycle through the office, so that there's an investigator present and on-duty 24/7/365.

My co-worker was wrapping up some paperwork this morning, and coming off of his 24 hr shift, and almost dead to the world. At the time, a pair of other investigators in my office were discussing some case that had happened a day or two prior that involved an emancipated juvenile.

I was just logging into my workstation to check my e-mail and I turned to my co-worker and asked, "Hey, so when a juvenile gets emancipated, and he announces it - proclaims it, if you will - what would they call that?"

He stares at me with a blank, uncomprehending expression and I continue, "An emancipation...proclamation? Maybe?"

The annoyed groans of someone who's been up for 24 hours are so satisfying.

πŸ‘︎ 848
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Droidball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
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The issue with duck eggs.

Two farmers, Ben and Dave, are discussing their produce. Ben mentions that there has been a strange recent demand in duck eggs, and is going to begin producing them. Dave replies that he tried to produce them long ago, but had to stop due to issues with their delivery.

"What issues?" Asks Ben, with a confused expression on his face.

"They caused way too much mess in the delivery truck," Dave explains, "You'll find out soon enough, duck eggs quack really easily."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rapidToothbrush
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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I've always thought kids being able to draw on the sidewalks at school is only teaching them that vandalism is okay...

but I guess it could be chalked up to freedom of expression...

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMillionthSam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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I lost my stress ball.

I can’t express how angry that makes me feel.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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The Laughing Hoagie

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluffigt
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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I am stuck on a crossword clue

5 letter word, "A vacant look; A ______ expression."

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnochChell
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores.

There will be an express lane for people with less than 12 teeth.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine

when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kachow--
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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A dad asks his son what he wants to be when he grows up

"A historian" the son quickly remarks. The dad with a worried expression replies "You do want to earn money when you grow up don't you, it's just I'm concerned there's no future in history"

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuyguy12
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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Why do software developers always say 'it works on my machine'?

It's a regular expression.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pawailq
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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There was a kidnapping at the library...

I was standing in the lobby of the movie theater after Star Wars today and this old man walks up to me and says "Did you hear about the kidnapping at the library?" I said "What?" and he asked again if I heard about the kidnapping at the library. I said I hadn't heard about it and the old man said "They woke him up!" and just walked off. No grin. No laugh. No expression. Just walked off.

πŸ‘︎ 374
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pouponstoops
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a train with constant mood swings?

the bipolar express

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BakexCake
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I was thinking about opening up a French baguette style fast food shop.

I think I’ll call it Pain D’Express.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dipodomys_man
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Bus driver dad joked the entire bus.

I was on a bus route headed to Target to pick up some groceries. I was in a hurry so I had opted for the express route. The bus picks up on the part of my college campus where the streets are named after the great lakes. We pass Erie and Ontario, and the bus driver comes over the intercom and says:

"This bus will be express from Huron out."

Everybody groans, the driver has a good chuckle, and I begin laughing like a maniac.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LurchPuppy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
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Remember the story where a woman assaulted a police officer by spraying her with breast milk?

If I were her attorney, I could get a not-guilty verdict using the First Amendment. She was exercising her freedom of expression.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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"Hey guys..."

I was playing FFXIV with my husband and one of our friends. We had all been drinking (me more than them).The three of us were all in our living room, and as we approach the final boss area in one of the dungeons we hadn't done before, this rears up out of the water and I shriek, "HEY GUYS! WHAT'S KRAKEN???!!!"

Our friend turned around in his seat with the most disgusted expression on his face, pointed at me, and said, "Get out."

I started giggling so hard I nearly fell off the couch, and sputtered: "Sorry. I'll quit kraken stupid jokes."

Ha. Yayyyy puns. :3

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Karu4Link
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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How do you get around when you have no car?

Do you take your Lamborfeeties, your Chevorlegs, or do you catch the Shoelace Express?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/knivesstryfe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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Last night someone stole my dictionary

I have no words to express my sorrow

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperJew837
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
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How do you deliver ponies?

Pony express

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weepingangel238
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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Jack and the Beanstalk meets Little Red Riding Hood

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. β€œOh Junior,” she said, β€œyou’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. β€œWell Grandma,” he replied. β€œIt’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: β€œJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: β€œMa, we’re happy, you can’t just-β€œ But she interrupted. β€œNo excuses!” She snapped. β€œYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coyoteTale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Walking through the garden section in Lowes

Step daughter " These rocks smell the candy."

Me "Would you say they smell like rock candy?"

Her facial expression was priceless

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JelloVV
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
The World Health Organization

I was having a conversation with a friend about exercise and it goes a little something like this.

Friend: Did you know that the World Health Organization recommends at least 180 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise?

Me: with a grin on my face Who?

Friend: The World Health Organization.

Me: again with same expression Who?

Friend: getting annoyed THE WORLD HEAL... shoots me the dirtiest look

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spinner899
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2016
🚨︎ report
A son is telling his dad a story that he had learned in history class. The father’s other child constantly interrupted his sibling’s story. The dad had enough and told his interrupting child,

β€œStop interrupting! It’s not your story, it’s β€˜history.’”

Edit: not sure how to express the pun of the word β€˜history’ so to clarify, it’s a play on β€˜his story.’

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakebake800
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I just found out that β€œAaarghh” is not a real word.

I can’t express how angry that makes me.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I just found out "AUGGHHH" isn't a real word

I can't express how that makes me feel.

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCMasterYT
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
The other day I bought a blank thesaurus....

I had no words to express my disappointment!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lawless_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report

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