[Pun Request] My golden retrieval likes to jump to other people
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marksteve4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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Nobody cares about Golden Retrievers
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.

I think that's a bit far fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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Why doesn’t Golden Retrievers catch the balls you throw for them?

They’re only retrievers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThunderAlex2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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I decided to check the ancestry of my retriever dog

I'm waiting on the lab results!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/telxonhacker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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Just reached the coast of Labrador, looking for signs of retrievers.

(what my dad texted me from the airplane home)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidDreamcast
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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What do you call a Labrador Retriever trained to smell for meth?

A Meth Lab.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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When I went to buy comfy shoes, I heard the fitter mimic me as he went to retrieve them, "I need some comfy shoes. Wah wah!"

The shoes he brought were indeed comfy. But I can't get over the fact that I was moc-ed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Did you hear about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?

That sounds a little far fetched

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclerudy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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My dog retrieved a meteorite last night.

It was far fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/j_m_h
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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How do you say, "Richard and Robert retrieved a rabbit" without pronouncing the "r's?"

Dick and Bob caught a bunny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amoreena23
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2016
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She asked for a Golden Retriever [xpost]

She got a Golden Retreiver

And that look.....that's the look we all know and love. A truly well executed dad joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SgtMac02
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2016
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What was Schrodingerβ€˜s cat most afraid of?

A FermiLabrador Retriever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthropocene
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Where do people retrieve the money they dropped into the river?

the river bank.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeetyboi8787
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away...

I know, it sounds a little far fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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In 2017, the top breed of dog on Google was the Golden Retriever.

Second and third place went to the silver and bronze retrievers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/randomion
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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A 900-pound dog once tried to retrieve a ball thrown over 200 miles.

But it was too far fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flumanchu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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Someone once told me that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a kilometer away

It seems a bit far-fetched to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bleepbleepblop_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
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What do you call a dog magician?

A Labra-cadabra-dor retriever!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeagan3346
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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Thought this belonged here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALivingCheese
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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My dog is angry because he can’t operate the MRI machine....

But the Catscan!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HaysStays
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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What do u call a golden retriever and telephone

A golden receiver

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadowDaGamer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
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Something is wrong with my golden retriever

Its not bringing me any gold

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_BlNG_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2017
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My Golden Retriever just got fixed
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tbrushwyler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2013
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Poor little bunny

A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.

He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.

He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.

To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.

Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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Cold hard cash
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WorshipPurple
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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How do you catch a mag fish?

With a magnet.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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What do you call a pooch that lives in Alaska?

A chilly dog

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?

A Fermilabrador Retriever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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People don't believe me when I tell them how far my dog will go to bring back sticks...

They think it's too far fetched, but he's a great retriever!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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My dog for into the condiments last night

Now I have a Gulden retriever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dinodomos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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A Rom Com Called "I've Fallin for Stalin" Where Gilbert Gottfried Plays Everyone

The plot is Gilbert Gottfried playing himself is sent back in time to kill Stalin (also played by Gilbert Gottfried). But Gilbert ends up slowly falling in love with Stalin as they bond over things like pancakes shaped like barn animals and making snow angels. The movie ends with Gilbert and Stalin getting married and raising two kids named Jenny and Egor (played by Gilbert Gottfried) in the suburbs with their golden retriever, Rex (played by Gilbert Gottfried)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anttwinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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Finals of the national trivia quiz in Foodlandia.

Foodlandia is a country where every city is named after a food and every city has a guild to represent it in competitions and such.

It was the finals of the national city vs. city trivia quiz and the two remaining contestants were guilds from Curry City and Pasta City.

The final question was "Which is the most popular pet in Foodlandia?". Each city's guild put their answer in a sealed envelope and they were stored for the next days big reveal.

On the next morning the officials went to retrieve the envelopes and they found a horrific sight, a dead spy from Pasta City and in his hand an opened envelope with a paper inside that read "Curry City Guild: The Cat".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dralnu22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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Wife is driving, we're pulling through a fastfood drive through...

She asks me 'Do you have your wallet handy?'
Its in my back pocket so I reply 'Nope! It's currently ass-y.' (I then retrieve my wallet amidst being smacked around my head and shoulders)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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I was installing a window and it fell into the incinerator.

It was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/N-Slash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2013
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My dad sent me this text with no context. Have no idea why.

In heaven the Elephants are in charge of remembering everything, the monkeys are in charge of giving hugs, the hippos are in charge of retrieving things that have fallen in water, the mice are in charge of dancing on the petals of flowers, the cats are in charge of landing on their feet when they fall out of a tree and porcupines are in charge of keeping the monkeys away from the bananas. πŸ˜ƒ In Hell the Hippos are in charge of dancing on the flowers, the elephants are in charge of landing on their feet when they fall out of a tree, the cats are in charge of retrieving things that have fallen in water, monkeys are in charge of remembering everything, the mice are in charge of keeping the monkeys away from the bananas and the porcupines are in charge of giving hugs. 😫

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slatetheturtle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
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OC: What's a bellhop's favorite dog?

LobbyDoor Retriever

I just told this to my 12-yo and she cringed then smiled. Success!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flampoo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
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My psychology teacher dad joked us today

We were talking about/reviewing memory in class today

"...and what do we need for retrieval, class?"

"A cue!"

"Bless you"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaiserTom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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Old shoes

I have about 6 pairs of shoes in total (including dress shoes and flip flops).

My fiancee absolutely hates my old flip flops and old adidas samba, and conversely I love those two in particular. She has, on more than one occasion, threatened to junk them, to which I replied that she would become single.

Yesterday, our golden retriever puppy found and made short work of my flops and one adidas. My fiancee watched as I sadly marched the two pairs to the bin, but she didn't know the amount of dad she was about to face.

I dropped them in the bin, looked up at her, and said "well, they had a good run."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/strykr316
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2016
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Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?

Sounded a little far-fetched to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gl3nnsth3man
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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