Why doesn’t Golden Retrievers catch the balls you throw for them?

They’re only retrievers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThunderAlex2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Pun needed

Hey guys! I am getitng a puppy in a few months and her name is supposed to be Zoe. However since she is pure golden retriever because of some laws her full name has to to be β€œGive me your β€˜name’” and I want it to be some kind of pun containing the word β€œZoe” since that what she’s gonna be called like Zoedorable but something that matches the sentence and I though that maybe you guys can help.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeeDotOu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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I decided to check the ancestry of my retriever dog

I'm waiting on the lab results!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/telxonhacker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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Just reached the coast of Labrador, looking for signs of retrievers.

(what my dad texted me from the airplane home)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidDreamcast
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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Did you hear about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?

That sounds a little far fetched

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclerudy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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How do you say, "Richard and Robert retrieved a rabbit" without pronouncing the "r's?"

Dick and Bob caught a bunny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amoreena23
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2016
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When I went to buy comfy shoes, I heard the fitter mimic me as he went to retrieve them, "I need some comfy shoes. Wah wah!"

The shoes he brought were indeed comfy. But I can't get over the fact that I was moc-ed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Where do people retrieve the money they dropped into the river?

the river bank.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeetyboi8787
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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In 2017, the top breed of dog on Google was the Golden Retriever.

Second and third place went to the silver and bronze retrievers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/randomion
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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Poor little bunny

A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.

He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.

He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.

To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.

Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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A Rom Com Called "I've Fallin for Stalin" Where Gilbert Gottfried Plays Everyone

The plot is Gilbert Gottfried playing himself is sent back in time to kill Stalin (also played by Gilbert Gottfried). But Gilbert ends up slowly falling in love with Stalin as they bond over things like pancakes shaped like barn animals and making snow angels. The movie ends with Gilbert and Stalin getting married and raising two kids named Jenny and Egor (played by Gilbert Gottfried) in the suburbs with their golden retriever, Rex (played by Gilbert Gottfried)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anttwinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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Finals of the national trivia quiz in Foodlandia.

Foodlandia is a country where every city is named after a food and every city has a guild to represent it in competitions and such.

It was the finals of the national city vs. city trivia quiz and the two remaining contestants were guilds from Curry City and Pasta City.

The final question was "Which is the most popular pet in Foodlandia?". Each city's guild put their answer in a sealed envelope and they were stored for the next days big reveal.

On the next morning the officials went to retrieve the envelopes and they found a horrific sight, a dead spy from Pasta City and in his hand an opened envelope with a paper inside that read "Curry City Guild: The Cat".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dralnu22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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I was installing a window and it fell into the incinerator.

It was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/N-Slash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2013
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My dad sent me this text with no context. Have no idea why.

In heaven the Elephants are in charge of remembering everything, the monkeys are in charge of giving hugs, the hippos are in charge of retrieving things that have fallen in water, the mice are in charge of dancing on the petals of flowers, the cats are in charge of landing on their feet when they fall out of a tree and porcupines are in charge of keeping the monkeys away from the bananas. πŸ˜ƒ In Hell the Hippos are in charge of dancing on the flowers, the elephants are in charge of landing on their feet when they fall out of a tree, the cats are in charge of retrieving things that have fallen in water, monkeys are in charge of remembering everything, the mice are in charge of keeping the monkeys away from the bananas and the porcupines are in charge of giving hugs. 😫

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slatetheturtle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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Old shoes

I have about 6 pairs of shoes in total (including dress shoes and flip flops).

My fiancee absolutely hates my old flip flops and old adidas samba, and conversely I love those two in particular. She has, on more than one occasion, threatened to junk them, to which I replied that she would become single.

Yesterday, our golden retriever puppy found and made short work of my flops and one adidas. My fiancee watched as I sadly marched the two pairs to the bin, but she didn't know the amount of dad she was about to face.

I dropped them in the bin, looked up at her, and said "well, they had a good run."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/strykr316
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2016
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A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."

The doctor says, "Okay, well have a seat." He then walks out of the room for a moment and comes back with a Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffs him a bit, then the doctor walks him back out of the room with his tail wagging. A couple minutes pass, and the doctor comes back with a cat. He rubs the cat all over the man until it meows, then takes it back out of the room. The doctor then returns and says, "Well, you seem fine to me. That'll be $1000." The man, flabbergasted, yells, "$1000?! There wasn't even anything wrong with me!" The doctor replies, "Well it rounds out to that between the lab work and the cat scan..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JH456
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2015
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I dadjoked...my dad.

He took one of our 100 pound labrador retrievers to the vet and texted me to bring the other (less hassle). I pull up next to his car in the parking lot. Before I let my dog out of the back of my truck I turn to him and say "I normally do my dog deals at night. Less witnesses."

I'd like to say he sighed and drove off. Instead he asked what I was on about. I explained the joke to which he said, "I raised you better. You're supposed to say $10 a gram or 10k for the whole lab."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ck_mooman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2015
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Quick wit from dad in the kitchen

Cooking with my dad while my golden retriever sits in the middle of the kitchen watching... Dad tells dog to get out of the kitchen, and I say "Ah, he's just here for moral support." Without missing a beat, dad responds, "More like morsel support." Heh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orangeblood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2013
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Fireman told me this one

Really close family friend of ours told us this one that allegedly happened while he was on duty. I'm going to tell it from his perspective, as it reads the 'funniest'.

So I'm on duty and we have to go and put out a simple brush fire off to the side of a busy intersection. Since it's the dry season of Southern California literally the smallest spark can cause a giant fire you know, so we're trying to put it out pretty fast. So we arrive there and we notice that an ambulance is speeding down the road to this one pretty sharp bend, and you know, they're making haste since they're on a code 3. A code 3 is where both the siren and the lights are on at the same time and they obviously have something that they need to do. Anyways, they're speeding around this corner and one of the backdoors gets flung open and a cooler flies out and lands at the curb. By this point we've handled the fire and we're just assessing the damage, like where it's spread, stuff like that, so I go and retrieve the container and I open it and inside there's a human toe in there. I tell most of my crew and we decide that we'll get the toe back to the paramedics and then head back to the station. So we call the emergency services and we let them know that some EMT's have left a human body part and didn't come back to get it. They tell us, "we'll have someone come pick it up soon". We wait about 20 minutes and no one arrives and we're all a bit startled that no one's come back to come pick up a fucking human toe, so we call back and they give us the same thing. Half an hour goes by so I decide to call AAA and see if they can help us. Sure enough, AAA is able to help us and within 10 minutes they dispatch the help we need by sending us a toe truck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XIGRAHAMIX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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Hitler's Doughnut, Original joke

One day during the middle of World War II Hitler woke up craving a doughnut. He called for one of his soldiers to go retrieve him one. The soldier left before realizing Hitler never told him what kind of doughnut. Not wanting to go back and ask and be punished for taking too long the soldier got a jelly filled and went back. Upon seeing the doughnut, Hitler withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier square in the chest then called in his guards to clean up the body, and sent another soldier off to get a doughnut. Not wanting to be shot like his predecessor, the second soldier got a dozen in a variety and went back. Hitler looked over the box and again withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier. He called in a third soldier and sent him to complete the job the other two had failed. Soon enough, the third soldier had made it there and back. He timidly walked Into Hitlers room and presented him a single doughnut. Hitler looked at it and said "Finally, white powdered!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oriyagi
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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When visiting my grandpa in the hospital

I was visiting my grandpa in the hospital and he got a CT Scan and lab work done.

He said: " They ran me over with a Siamese cat and a labrador retriever. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kidgun
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2014
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Girlfriends dad thinks he's funny.

> A young boy and his father are walking down the street, when they see a golden retriever on top of a labrador, doing the dirty. The boy asks "Daddy, what are they doing!?" and his father calmly replies "Don't worry son, that's how they make a puppy."

> Later that evening, after the boy has gone to bed, Daddy and Mommy have their alone time. Just as things are getting hot and heavy, the young boy walks into the room and is shocked. "Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy?!" to which his father calmly replies "Don't worry Son, this is how we make a baby!" His son is dismayed, thinks for a second, and says: "Well turn her over, I want a puppy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gethaased
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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Auditing professor has his first kid on the way. He is prepared.

My auditing professor created a fictitious dog food company for us to audit because he has two golden retrievers he mentions pretty often. A student jokingly asks, "If your dogs eat this food, would that make them stakeholders in the company?" He replied, "Yes, they love steak."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsfinegan91
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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The punchline is key

A few weeks ago I stayed at my dad's house. In the morning I found I had forgotten my keys and therefore had locked myself in. Because I didn't want to get told off/mocked by my dad, I phoned my brother's girlfriend to go to my brother at his work, retrieve the key from him and bring it back to dad's house to let me out. The following week my brother (the traitor) told my dad about this escapade and dad phoned me to mock me and tell me that not only was there a spare key in the house already, dad just happened to be driving past the house when I left anyway so could've let me out himself...

These are some of the key-related puns since then.

> me: dad, I didn't get the job in [city]

> dad: don't worry, it wasn't a key position.

Today in the restaurant we ate at: oh look! They do KEY lime pie!

Dude turns his head to look at me as dad and I walk down the road together: oooh! He looked keen. Geddit? Keen? KEY-n

> me: okay dad, you can stop with the key jokes now.

> dad makes the motion of sealing his lips and locking them with a key, immediately bursting into fits of giggles before he says: nah I think this joke has many more possibilities to unlock. more laughter

So many groans...

Ninja edit: something went funny with the submit page...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NejKidd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
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My Dad and I got our Christmas tree today...

And on the way home, we were discussing how plants retrieve nutrients, and why pine trees can survive through the winter. I said, "I wonder if it stems from the shape of their leaves?" To which my dad responded, "Well, I suppose we just got to the root of the problem, so I bet we can just leaf it at that."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LexTheImpaler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
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Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?

Sounded a little far-fetched to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gl3nnsth3man
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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