A girl messed up her recitation in Hebrew school today

I torah a new one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pimpedoutbarby
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
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I was reciting A, C, and E music notes in a bar. They kicked me out ...

They said no Minor allowed here . ..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/afarro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Before we go to bed, my wife always recites the members of the round table..

Knight after Knight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trev2-D2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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I keep reciting all of Lord of The Rings in bed

My wife says I need to do something about Tolkien in my sleep.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vwraider
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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What do you call a camel reciting Shakespeare?

A drama-dery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Like most people, I was able to recite the entire alphabet from a young age. But then I became an ordained minister.

I now pronounce U man and wife.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stickyDan
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Reciting one hundred digits of pi is easy.

It’s a piece of cake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoav-bam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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A pirate was unable to recite the alphabet in full

He sadly died at c

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Octopus-Pawn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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My daughter just recited her Christmas ABCs...

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmellyRapscallion
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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When I was little and was asked to recite the alphabet I would always skip one letter. The teacher finally got fed up with me and asked,

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stayouttamyswamp-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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Wife: Did you know that you keep reciting the vowels under your breath whenever you are stressed?

Me: Sometimes. Why?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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A boy climbed up onto his Dad's shoulders and started reciting numbers "1... 2... 3..." His father said "Hey! What are you doing? Get off of there..."

His son replied "Dad - don't let me down. I'm counting on you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flumanchu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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My wife dragged me to a dance recital.

Me: I hope there is a lot of ado.

Wife: Huh?

MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado....

Me: Shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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My timepiece hangs on the wall and recites short form poetry every hour on the hour.

It's a Haiku coo clock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earth_humanoid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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Why did Mars screw up its piano recital?

It was a little rusty.

(Most of the rock on Mars has iron in it, and it's oxidized over the millenia, so it's rusty, which is why it's red.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrackedP0t
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
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Why could the pirate never finish reciting the alphabet?

He always got lost at "c".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubSum87
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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A man broadcast himself reciting a single line of Shakespeare to various galaxies beyond our own.

The man’s performance was universal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carter16891
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
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I recited pi to 50 places

Now none of those places will invite me back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elmonoenano
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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My dad's version of a well known nursery rhyme. He used to recite this all the time when I was a kid and then proceed to laugh hysterically for several minutes.

Hickory Dickory Dock

Three mice ran up the clock,

The clock struck one,

And the other two got away with minor injuries.

ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BardLover108
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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Brother: What should I play for my clarinet recital?

Dad: Probably the clarinet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Littlenigger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2014
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My roommate recited a joke from his grandpa.

Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base?

Because there's a Shortstop in between!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zito2494
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
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Algy and the Bear

Algy and the Bear, a poem recited in Ziegfeld Follies by Red Skelton using his J. Newton Numbskull character:

>Algy saw a bear,
The bear saw Algy,
The bear was bulgy,
The bulge was Algy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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My 3 year old smiled... started to laugh, and then said "Not funny"

Going over the alphabet with my 3 year old and he asks "What's after Z?"

"What's after Z? Well, it's Now."

"Now?"

"Now I know my ABCs..."

"Not funny."

My wife groaned, and my 6 year old shook his head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phaseMonkey
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2015
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(Long one) a kid was told to learn the first four letters of the aphabet

He wemt to his mum, who was doing work, and asked, "mum, whats the first letter of the alphabet?"

Mum: Shut up and go away!

Kid goes to his dad, who just got a perfect score in darts, and says: Dad, whats the second letter of the alphabet?

Dad: 180!!

Walks to older brother who was playing batman video games: whats the third letter of the alphabet?

Brother: na na na na na na na na BATMAN!

Walks up to younger brother playing with toys: whats the 4th letter of the alphabet?

Brother: driving my little red car.

Kid rolls up to school, ready to recite the first 4 letters of the alphabet.

Teacher: whats the first letter?

Kid: Shut up and go away!!

Teacher: HOW MANY HOURS OF DETENTION DO YOU WANT

Kid: 180!!

Teacher: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Kid: na na na na na na na na BATMAN

Teacher: HOW DO YKU THINK YOULL GET AWAY WITH THIS?!?

Kid: Driving my little red car

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CubingWithAlex
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club...

is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, orate, recite or chat about Thesaurus Club.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2017
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My wife: β€œOh, the Roomba found a hair-band.”

Me: β€œStryper, or Wyld Stallyns?”

Her: https://i.imgur.com/R4IXWbX.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/castillar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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I starved myself all day to get ready for the pi competition

There was no pie... only people reciting pi from memory. The pie was a lie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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Two men were having a contest..

The Englishman and Cowboy were tied in a contest of who was better, when the crowd decided that, as a tie breaker, they were to perform a live poem and incorporate the words "Hunting" and "Timbuktu."

The Englishman went first:

"The hunting is always grand, When in search of good land. Off in the caravan we pursue, Looking, for Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild, knowing that the cowboy couldn't win the contest, the Englishmans poem was just too good. He smiled as well, and stood aside for the cowboy.

The cowboy paused for a moment as if remembering something, then recited:

"Well it was Tim and I, off huntin we went, When I spied three women in a tent. I motioned to Tim, and he saw them too, Then I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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I know the English alphabet has 26 letters...

I know the English alphabet has 26 letters. When I try to recite it I can only think of 25, but I can't remember why...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dad_of_four_kids
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2016
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Puns are like hexes...

The very best ones can cause people to experience physical pain merely by reciting them.

(Not technically a pun, so also note that a good pun is its own reword.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zinfidel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
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My Little Pony gone wrong

My sister posted about loving my little ponies, and we got on the topic of rainbow horse poop jokes. My dad just pops in with this:

Dad - I can't think of one right now. I do, however, have a poem that is somewhat related: (first assume standard high-class poetry recitation position; head high, chest out, hands clasped behind back, heels together, toes @ 180 degrees, knees slightly bent): "In days of old, when knights were bold, and toilets weren't invented; they left their load beside the road, and went away contented."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heidibearmommacat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2015
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Dad Joke - Ultimate Backfire

For as long I can think of, anytime I would take my family out for supper at a restaurant, when our server would bring us the check I would in my best calm and collected demeanor advise our server "Oh table #?? said they were picking this up for us tonight", to which most servers just give a ya right smile or a simple haha nice try sir.

Well on this most recent adventure I see the check coming and get all primed and plot it all out. The server politely slides the check to me, I so graciously put my hand on it and slide it back with my recited lines delivered so perfectly "Oh yes I should have told you sooner that table 16 has offered to pick up the check tonight". Well our server burst out laughing, which to us was a surprise as its not as hilarious as she is now making it. Well when she finally stops laughing enough to talk, she so wonderfully delivers the message, "thats good to know sir - cause your sitting at table 16!"

Jokes on me! But it made for a great night of laugh at dad.

Edit - "demeanor" - where the frick was auto correct on that one. thx Enders!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dontwanttosleep
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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My dad and my sister.

My little sister was getting ready for her ballet recital and she went over to my dad to ask him how her tutu looked. He said "Your tutu looks great, but when are you going to graduate to a threethree, or a fourfour?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agnostalypse
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2013
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Dad joked my acting class this morning.

My professor was talking about how people need to practice their monologues around others not just themselves.

Professor: You need to practice these everywhere. Recite it to your family, your friends, your dog, even your refrigerator!

Me: I don't know about that one, my fridge can be pretty cold at times.

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πŸ“…︎ May 01 2014
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A russian, a brit, and a mexican enter a one-liner pickup contest to win over the heart of a super hot covergirl...

...with the caveat that they have to use the words "liver" and "cheese" in their pickup line.

The Russian walks up to her and proudly recites: "My liver aches for you like it does for vodka, and my heart is incomplete like gruyere cheese". Crickets. The girl is a bit confused but is impressed with the guy's large biceps and full beard.

The Brit walks over to her and stammers: "I will tease your fancy with a sliver of cheese and liver". Nonsensical, but his accent did the trick. The girl blushes slightly.

The Mexican guy sees his opportunity and loudly yells: "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xandros91
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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Oh you

After a piano recital my mom and dad start talking about me being a role model Mom: you know, all these younger kids really look up to him when he plays Dad: well of course, he is taller Mom: ... Dad: ohh how do I do it every day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slapthemonkey0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
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Math dad joke

In honor of my twins birthday today...My mathematically inclined daughter decided to memorize the first 50 numbers of Pi. After she recited them after only twenty minutes of memorizing I told her "I guess memorizing the digits in Pi is a piece of cake for you!." Got a good grimace for that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sunnyAZ1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
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A Cleverly Named Trio

I saw a music recital at school and a trombone trio came up. There were two members named Sam and in the middle of the trio was a man named Miles. Miles said the group's name was "A Miles Samwich."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/italian6th
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
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So my Dad and I stopped at Friendly's for lunch today.

The lady at the counter asks, "Would you like a recite?" To which he instantly replies, "Nope I don't think so. I hope we wont be returning it." The lady at the counter just gives the biggest, really? face, and then when I start laughing she forces a laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/relytv2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2013
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