Stolen joke

SAD TRUTH: carpenter Doesn't paint your car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youcef1992
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2021
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Why did the Easter egg hide.

To tell the truth, deep inside he was a little chicken!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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Major Spoiler
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thumbs0fDestiny
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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My time has come
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustLuis27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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The produce person at my grocery store said I should try this vegetable, β€œIt’s out of this world ... radical!” he exclaimed.

In truth, it was just rad-ish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WCBrann
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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My blind friend kept lying to me...

It was hard for him to see the truth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brady01234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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It was my cake day yesterday...

To tell the truth it was pretty crummy

PS: it was, and it was PPS: looking forward to the real joke in the comments.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caprica_City
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?

The Colonel of Truth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CopsaLau
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Q: What’s the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?

Me: An Inconvenient Truth? Watch out though, it’s really Gore-y!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthropocene
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Calvin's Dad [Calvin and Hobbes]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatFag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2013
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The missus asked me if I thought of other women so i threw a glass of milk at her.

That's the last time we are ever playing truth or dairy.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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People ask why I make dad jokes despite not having any kids of my own.

The truth is, it's genetic. I actually come from a long line of dads spanning many generations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/13thmurder
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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My wife often complains that I'm a poor listener

But the truth is, I've a terrible sense of direction.

I always get lost in my thoughts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chennai_buzzer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Mom and her son

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers, "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Dad jokes aren't punny?

That can't be father from the truth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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A lot of people think all dad jokes are bad puns.

That couldn't be father from the truth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClackinData
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlJo27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.

Posted this in r/ShowerThoughts but it got taken down, despite the fact that it's 100% truth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swerdnase1616
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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I thought the toaster I bought was waterproof.

I was shocked when I learned the truth. I was revolted when my wife called me a liar and wanted proof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/volochemfogbank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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Coming in 2020

A new coding bootcamp, featuring international percussion ensembles, sponsored by former vice president and climate change activist behind An Inconvenient Truth.

"Al Gore Rhythm"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funkaholic415
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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I can't believe my eyes

They have no sense of truth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sup-mr-stark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Everyone considers honesty a virtue

but no one wants to hear the truth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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Lend me an ear for a corny joke.

It really a'maize'ing, because of how it pops. And at the end a kernel of truth. It's a grain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dukbrand
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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Ruth's Mom

Ruth's mom made cookies. She left the kitchen and when she returned, the cookies were all eaten. She thought Ruth ate them, but she wanted to know for sure. She put the kettle on, because she knew if she wanted the truth from her daughter she would have to have the tea first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Urwinator
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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Wait, does this apply to me??

I just realized an unfortunate truth about people who make puns.

Most of their jokes are homophonic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sconove1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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Got my wife with this one

First time post - I just had to share this.

After years of training my wife that my sons Xbox games can't always be paused instantly, she has at last got used to the idea and actually asks if it can be paused.

Her ( to son): Can you pause your game and give me some help ?

Son: Not right now, I'm in the middle of a level.

Her: Ok, let me know when you can pause it.

Me: Did you check he was telling the truth ?

Her: Why?

Me: Because it could be a case of pausable deniability.

Then..... I got that look...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekanate
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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Some people think the Pittsburgh Steelers have a good starting QB in "Duck" Hodges

But the truth is, he puts the Steelers at risk of getting penalties all game long...

...Because on every play...

There's fowl on the field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dave89701
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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My wife bought me a two-legged table. I pretended to like it.

But the truth is, I can't stand it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.

But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mark_ryan2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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Honestly...

Is Bruce Lee's more truthful cousin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/webbwbb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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Today my daughter told me "Dad, your jokes are bad"

I was sad until she told me "Don't worry I'm just kidding, nothing could be father from the truth."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mark_ryan2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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I made a post earlier asking when a dad joke becomes a dad joke. The answer was β€œWhen it has a child.”

Link to post

But really, the truth is that it’s all in the delivery.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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Got the family at dinner: β€œCorn is great but You know the one problem with corn?”

β€œIt’s corny.”

Everyone: groans and laughter

Wife: β€œok that one was clever.”

Me: β€œThere was a kernel of truth to it.”

Wife: broken with laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaw2885
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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Lady Godiva rode nude though Coventry to protest taxes.

It's the naked truth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Couldbeurmom
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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Long one...

DEAR NEIGHBOUR: Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

2ND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doogsie125
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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I wanted some jokes about dads when I came to this subreddit

I couldn't be Father from the truth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoticeMeee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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Brainstorming food/movie theme nights. It es-kale-lated quickly. Only thing in my Bumble profile now.

When Harry Met Salad

What About Ke-Bob

Cumin to America

Weekend at Bearneaise II

Steakin I, II, & III

A Few Good Salmon

You’ve Got Kale

Shawshank Re-Dim Sum

Romancing the Scone

An Γ‰clair to Remember

Roman Hollandaise

Glazed and Confused

Bill & Ted’s Eggcellent Adventure

The Evil Bread

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp

Fondue the Right Thing

Ribeyes Wide Shut

Mignons

Plante of the Grapes

Spider Manchu

Sushis All That

A Wok to Remember

Marsala-la Land

Apocalypse Cow

Die Chard

Die Chard with a Vinaigrette

Hogan’s Gyros

The Sand Latkes

A League of their Macaroni

Revenge of the Curds

Rush S’More

Braising Arizona

Demolition Ham

10 Things I hate About Ewe

Saladin

Oliver and Com-penne

Dirty Rotten Chanterelles

Sex and the Satay

The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs

Morella Enchanted

Provolone Together

Clear and Pheasant Danger

The Big Chili

LΓ©mon: The Professional

Ava-Tartare

Hocous Pocous

High Fi-Deli Meat

Madagascargot

The Fifth Elementos

Muensters Inc.

There’s Something About Rosemary

I Am Ham

Quiche Lorraine Man

Barley & Me

Lentil Giants

Peggy SoufflΓ© Got Married

Face Stroganoff

Con GruyΓ©re

Fast Times at Porridgemont High

Bok Choys in the Hood

Papillonion

Requinoa for a Dream

Serial Cardamom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kat_fogg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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My kids and I watched The Lion King yesterday and now I’ve got β€˜The Circle of Life’ stuck in my head.

It’s just keeps going round and round. It’s the truth, I’m not lion!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ron_mcphatty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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Dadjoked my wife and the nurse moments before my daughter was born

My wife and I welcomed our new daughter this week. The wife wanted some classic rock while she was pushing. We were all there, the doctor, the main nurse (with whom we were joking all day long) and a few other nurses. This was the moment of truth.

Suddenly, the Scorpions' "Rock you like a hurricane" comes on, and my wife exclaims: "This is exactly what I need to pump me up!! She is going to be a Scorpion!"

To which I replied "Actually, she'll be a Sagittarius"

The nurse looked at me surprised, cracked up, the wife rolled her eyes, and a few breaths later my daughter was born.

I have never been prouder to be a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mirkules
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2014
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People always say I'm wasting my time telling bee jokes...

But the truth is, bee comedians make a pheromone of money.

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πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
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I just watched this wonderful and touching movie about a chef in Northern China.

Set in Northern China, this movie follows the rite of passage of a jaded, aimless Chinese chef who falls in love with a worn out cooking pan that he and his friends once scorned. The two develop a powerful and inspirational relationship in which they discover truths about cooking that take most people a lifetime to learn. It's called A Wok to Remember

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2016
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Bowl Puns

So I had to pack up a bowl at work today and while i was doing so i annoyed my coworkers with every bowl based pun i could think of

"Hey guys, if we put doritos in here would they have a BOWLder flavor"

"If i lost all my hair would I have gone BOWLD"

"we could fill this with rocks and call this a BOWLder"

"I really like the music of David BOWLie"

"we can slide this at some pins and call it BOWLing"

"what if we were sending this back to BOWLing green Kentucky"

"we can fill it with air and call it a BOWLoon"

"I'm just trying to fit in guys, all i wanna do is BOWLong"

"Of course i think you're telling the truth, i guess you can say I BOWLieve you"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skatrumpet07
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2016
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People think all I do us post Dad jokes on reddit

It couldn't be father from the truth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcheckpointeh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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People say puns are just bad dad jokes.

I don't think that could be father from the truth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheChickenWrap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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I hate dad jokes

Actually that couldn't be father from the truth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vahn1982
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
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I don't like dumb dad jokes...

Actually that couldn't be father from the truth.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
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