Facebook has over 2 billion users, That is as big as the whole of christianity, Forget that, it is bigger than hinduism and islam. Although facebookβs messenger is probably the worst.
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︎ Oct 13 2019
Itβs kind of sad that Christianity, Judaism, and Islam have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Minor prophets and all that....
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
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︎ Jun 29 2021
The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, βIβve just done a silent fart. What should I do?β
He said, βChange the batteries in your hearing aidβ.
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︎ Jun 19 2021
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
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︎ Jun 30 2021
If Hermes was the messenger god, the he sure was lucky not to have met the god of pain and old age...
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
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︎ Jun 01 2021
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is floating in the ocean?
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︎ Jul 01 2021
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
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︎ May 05 2021
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.
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︎ Jun 18 2021
Me: Huh, I'm wearing away my A Key. Husband: So...that means you're not in pain any more? Me: Take my upvote and leave!
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︎ Jun 30 2021
I have a new pen that can write underwater, and in a volcano and on the north pole.
It can write other things too.
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︎ Jul 01 2021
An outdoor neighborhood cat was hiding in some bushes while I was hedge trimming. Didn't see him and clipped his tail clean off. I panicked and grabbed the cat and his tail rushing to my car and drove like a mad man to Walmart. The greeter was puzzled and asked why I brought the cat.
"Because you're the largest re-tailer in the world!"
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︎ Jun 25 2021
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
Theyβre both Paris sites
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︎ Jun 01 2021
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
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︎ Jun 10 2021
My buddy called and asked me to meet him at the record shop in 45...
I made it in 33, which is record speed.
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︎ Jun 09 2021
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox?
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︎ Jun 23 2021
When my aunt Penny died she hadnβt cut her hair in 20 years, when we took her to the crematorium it turns out they charged by weight and we couldnβt afford a receptacle for her ashes. I learned an important lesson that day.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
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︎ Jun 06 2021
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
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︎ Jul 02 2021
I'm a line cook and looking for a way to get in on some of the extra cash that servers earn.
Got any tips you can share?
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︎ Jun 14 2021
This happened yesterday: My wife and I were in the garden talking about which flowers to get and plant. She said that she wanted some daisies, but not too many.
I replied, βso just a dollop of daisies?β
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︎ Jun 26 2021
Went to the city pool and decided to pee in the deep end
Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
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︎ Jun 11 2021
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
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︎ May 12 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
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︎ Feb 23 2021
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
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︎ May 14 2021
The Queen is in the bath and she farts.
A moment later her butler, Waddle, walks into the bathroom and hands her a bottle of water.
The Queen is shocked. 'How dare you walk in here while I am having a bath?!' she rages.
'I apologise ma'am,' says the butler, 'but I could have sworn I heard you say "what about a water bottle Waddle'
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︎ Jul 01 2021
What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?
They both have to pass the bar
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︎ Jun 24 2021
What do Ireland and amoeba have in common ? Dublin.
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︎ Jun 18 2021
What's an apology written in dots and dashes?
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︎ Jun 16 2021
What did they use in the biblical days for cuts and scrapes?
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︎ Jun 20 2021
What do Jack the Ripper, Catherine the Great, William the Conqueror, and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
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︎ Jun 11 2021
If I have $120 in one pocket, and $180 in the other pocket what do I have?
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︎ May 26 2021
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
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︎ Apr 10 2021
In track and field, why do they run the 1500 meters
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︎ Jul 02 2021
If you're ever on a cruise and see vermin walking in a perfect circle, be VERY careful.
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︎ Jun 29 2021
These two wind turbines are standing in a field and one asks the other βwhat type of music do you like?β
The other one says βIβm a huge metal fanβ
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︎ Jun 10 2021
My wife left me for a tractor salesman, and she didn't even tell me in person.
She just wrote me a John Deere letter.
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︎ Jun 01 2021
What do the endings of The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
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︎ May 22 2021
I have a friend who just finished her PhD in Botany. Instead of math and statistics, her dissertation is full of pictures of exotic plants.
She sure has a lot of photos in thesis.
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︎ Jun 04 2021
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
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︎ Jan 22 2021
Two giant wind turbines are standing in a field,the first one turns around and asks:"what i your favourite type of music?"
The second turbine said:"I'm a giant metal fan"
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︎ Jun 29 2021
I grew up in the circus and me, my mom, dad and thirteen siblings were all clowns.
It didnβt pay much, but luckily we only needed one car
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︎ Jun 30 2021
I was standing behind a customer in an ATM and he turned around and said, "could you please check my balance?"
So I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great.
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︎ Jun 23 2021
Islam, Judaism, and Christianity have been in conflict with each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
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︎ Mar 02 2021
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They are both Paris sites
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︎ May 17 2021
I can't remember how to write 1,1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals
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︎ Jun 18 2021
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