My private pun collection
π︎ 361
π
︎ Feb 29 2020
I was invited to a wealthy French person's house recently, and he was showing me his yacht collection at his private marina.
As we walked down the quay, this person was telling me "Ah oui, zis is yacht numero un, zis is numero deux, trois, zis is quatre, six, numero sept.."
I stopped him, and I told him, "What happened to number five?"
He said, "Ah oui, that's cinq"
π︎ 113
π
︎ Jan 02 2023
what kind of teacher farts in private?
π︎ 28
π
︎ Nov 04 2022
Iβm done paying for my kids private school
They wonβt even tell me where it is!
π︎ 21
π
︎ Oct 21 2022
I SUPPORT PRIVATELY OWNED PROPERTY!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 02 2022
The King of Spain has been quarantined on his private jet....
The reign in Spain stays mainly on the plane.
π︎ 51
π
︎ Sep 15 2022
Big news today: To provide more opportunities for females in all levels of the private sector, BeyoncΓ© has founded a roofing company completely operated and managed by women.
The company name, of course, is All the Shingle Ladies.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Sep 26 2022
My caller id said "private caller", so I ignored it.
I only pick up if it says "lieutenant caller" or higher.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Mar 03 2022
Whatβs the difference between a privateer and a pirate?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jun 18 2022
If a wealthy ancient Roman had a private bathroom on the sixth floor of his home...
...did that make it a VI P room?
π︎ 806
π
︎ Feb 16 2022
Which soldiers spend the most time in the restroom?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 10 2022
I saw a Karen today with a bumper sticker that said βYou will address me by my husbandβs rankβ.
Guess she just wanted her conversation to be private.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jul 21 2022
Why did the general buy a razor?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 20 2022
What do you call 3 Mexicans on a private property?
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jun 03 2022
A young woman was charged with murdering her husband with guitars from his private collection. βFirst offender?β the judge asked at her arraignment.
βNo, your honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender.β
π︎ 37
π
︎ Jun 15 2022
Meatloaf (RIP) owned a private forest. At dawn every day, he would collect the condensation and drink it. I asked him if it tastes good.
He said "dew outta trees ain't bad!"
π︎ 279
π
︎ Jan 22 2022
My 3 year old is a very private individual who was hungry and grumpy after her birthday party
Turns out she did not accept any Third-party Cookies
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jun 17 2022
My wife is elated about all her new subscribers to her private dessert channel
Sign up for her OnlyFlans today
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 02 2022
What do you call a doctor that doesn't keep your health information private?
π︎ 33
π
︎ Apr 08 2022
What do you call a moose thatβs in the army
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 01 2022
I wrote a fictional short story about Giovanni Coinci, the first Italian immigrant to open a dentistry private practice in the United States.
Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely Coinci Dental.
π︎ 452
π
︎ Nov 16 2021
I walked in on my son playing with his privates.
"Oh No!!!"
"What's wrong?"
"Those soldiers were meant to be your birthday present. "
π︎ 15
π
︎ Apr 05 2022
Did you hear about that optometrist that gives special prices to angry privateers?
Itβs an irate pirate eye rate
π︎ 29
π
︎ Mar 10 2022
I'm walking with my gf and parents towards a private pier on a lake. My parents go on the pier to check it out. My gf is hesitant since it's private property. I tell her if everyone else is doing it, then it's ok.
She was facing a lot of pier pressure.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Mar 26 2022
If you're trespassing in Australia on private property, you might get
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 16 2022
Why doesn't Santa go to the hospital?
Why doesn't Santa go to the hospital?
>!He has private elf care !<
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 20 2022
I'm starting a Mexican themed Private Investigation Company
Called: JalapeΓ±o Business
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 26 2022
My day today
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 13 2022
Why is the Twitter stock price down despite Musk's claim being willing to take it private at $54 per share
Because the market isn't buying it
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 15 2022
The general said to the private, βI didnβt see you this morning at camouflage trainingβ¦β
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jan 20 2022
My boss said he runs his office like a military unit
By which I think he means that after some General Chaos, there's Major Disruptions making working there like Corporal Punishment
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 17 2022
Dad jokes are awesome heres why
π︎ 101
π
︎ Sep 21 2022
if hair in your crotch is pubic hair, then what do you call the hair on your head?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 13 2022
Why is 'dark' spelled with K and not with C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
π︎ 286
π
︎ Aug 09 2022
Every time my neighbor yells at me because HE stepped in MY dog's poop on HIS private road, I tell him "Don't blame me..."
"... it's your own asphalt."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 01 2022
A young man traveled the world in search of buried treasure. After five years with no luck, he received a prophecy from an enchantress which told of a vast hoard of golden loot squirreled away in Bermuda by a famous privateer crew.
Sure enough, after sailing for another year, he came to the place the enchantress had spoken of and found a trove of coins and medallions, enough to make him wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.
He brought all of it on board his ship and through storms and turmoil returned home with his prize. The assayor at the dock, however, took one look at all of it and told him it was worthless. Dejected, the young man walked away from his ship, and vowed never again to travel in search of his fortune.
"Sad, is it not?" said a friend of the assayor as he watched the young man shuffle away. "Aye," replied the assayor, "yet another victim of the pyrites of the Caribbean."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 29 2022
What do you call a hippyβs wife?
π︎ 96
π
︎ Aug 19 2022
I attempted to use the army toilets, but one of the officers stopped me. "It'll cost you Β£5 to go in there," he stated.
He must've been the loo tenant.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 15 2022
Been studying Networking this semester and my burnt brain spat this gem out...
How is a private network like a couple of seals?
They communicate in ARPs
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 01 2022
I am Private Raffe of the British Army. Thank God I'm not American...
π︎ 44
π
︎ Oct 09 2021
Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?
Every time I ask someone they say βitβs private.β
π︎ 16
π
︎ Sep 24 2022
I had to 3D print this incase of emergencies.
Just in case
Image
Edit: I didn't design this before anyone asks, printed it from a file here: https://www.thingiverse.com/thing:5439937
π︎ 41
π
︎ Aug 15 2022
I recently visited General Motors.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Aug 25 2022
What kind of teacher never farts in public?
π︎ 407
π
︎ Nov 01 2022
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
