Because he Missed-A-T.
since heβs both Green Lantern and Deadpool
I mean, they're excellent sources of protein, fiber, and good cholesterol.
(I was talking about the fruit)
I could have made a Commander Shepard deck.
Because nobody puts baby in a coroner.
I told her "sorry you're feeling down".
She said I'm stupid.
In other words, I won.
In reality, it just sounds paw-thetic.
He offered me coffee.
You just don't get surprised, you also get bamboozled
Sure, I know theyβre disgusting little bugs. But I started taking pity on the little guys after they only came in second in this poll of peopleβs favorite animals.
The winner, of course, was the goldfish.
A law suit
GTF bot.
A pity potty
I said, βHey, you missed a T.β
The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?
Gapps.
Poplar
He feels pity at the sight and asks "What's wrong, love?" She turns to him and says "I can't stand showering without my legs"
Predictable, disappointing and people only laugh out of pity.
A woman walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender asks what she wants to drink and her name, "Falacy" she responds despondently.
"What's got you down, Falacy?" he asks.
"I had a terrible day, my dog threw up all over my shoes this morning, got fired from my job and my car broke down on the way home. To make matters worse as I trudged over to this bar it started pouring it down with rain."
The bartender looks her up and down pitifully.
"That's pathetic, Falacy"
In fact, he pities the foo.
I pity the η¦
Three bags fool!
I pity the pho.
... we know this because Mr T pities the fuel
Doesn't work if you're British because they pronounce it "goff" not "go" but I'll stop being a buzzkill. We need your best artist puns now!
So, naturally, my only response has been to adopt a pitiful look and steeple my hands above my head until she rolls her eyes and walks off!
I was given some paperwork to sign today. When I handed it back to my boss, she asked, "Can you date them?"
"That's a little forward. We just met, and they didn't really make a great first impression."
Pity laughter followed.
He woke up.......
When People Tell Me That Joke, I Never Know What To Say. I'm Absolutely Tongue Tied. Which Is A Pity, Since It Takes Two To Tangle.
I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.
I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, βDo you want a liftβ. βNo thanksβ, they replied, βWeβre Walkersβ.
I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said βthatβs maderia cakeβ.
Bought some cream, it said βstore in a cool placeβ. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.
Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.
A man says βI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the otherβ. The doctor says βIβm afraid you are a trifle deafβ.
I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden
What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.
Ice cream is exquisiteβ¦ βwhat a pity it isnβt illegal.
The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adamβs banana.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because itβs too hard to put them on the bottom!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When itβs been sliced.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charleyβs death? BEN and JERRY.
Donβt eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you wonβt be able to budge.
You know youβre a mom ifβ¦ Popsicles have become a staple food.
Mexican candy makes my taste buds say βOLE!β
FORGET LOVEβ¦ Iβ
... keep reading on reddit β‘I now have so much respect for all the jokes in here,
So i just became a dad on Friday to a beautiful baby girl and my story goes like this.
Today a Midwife came into the room where my wife and I were and started with a speech " Hi my name is !editingoutinfo! I was wondering if i can take a blood sample from the baby, It's voluntary, it's for statistics and it gets sent out to a lab and they test for all rare conditions, they are going to test her genes and..."
At which point i stopped her and said "we haven't got any jeans for her, everyone has been buying her pink dresses"
she gave me a pity laugh and said "ohh the dad jokes are starting already"
What is happening to me?
... But he goes by Gene. Whenever one of my friends would greet him "Hi, Gene!" He would say "Don't get personal with me."
So my dad loves to tell jokes, not one has ever been funny. So one day my GF was over and he decided to share a joke with her. He does. I look at him and I'm like "cmon Dad, that's horrible! U can do better" and laughed kinda like I was pitying him. He goes u think ur so cool huh?" He then got up grabbed me and locked me between his legs. So u all can understand, I'm 16 5"8 and thin. So not many people can't beat me. My dad is 6"3 and jacked. He looks likes mark wahlberg, from pain and gain, and that's not an overstatement. He then goes "what should we do now? How about an old fashioned wedgie!" He grabbed my underwear and pulled as hard as he could. "Why do u want to date a nerd that where's briefs? Haha" he's going. She starts laughing a little. He then goes "let's give u (GF) a better view" he then turns me around and lifts me up with a wedgie, "look at this dork dangle by his undies! Take a picture!" She did then pulled hard again and my underwear tore. He looked at me and went "maybe u shouldn't act like ur top dog kid, it'll get ur undies ripped right off." And she shared the pic around school, and know people come up to me saying "dude ur dad Is like a jock who gives u wedgies!" And makes fun of me for it. A couple of the seniors football player pinned me down and wedgied me so bad in the halls my underwear ripped off. And everyone was laughing. At least it happened at the end of the year so I only had 2 week of teasing. People have forgotten about. IT WAS horrible. And humiliating. So now I laugh at his jokes no matter how cringey they are, cause I fear his wedgies. Because their not regular. There delivered by a man who's biceps are bigger than my head. It's very painful. SO THE LESSON IS TO ALWAYS LAUGH AT DAD JOKES, escpeically if he can dangle u by ur undies!
No idea!
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still no idea!
edit: I can't spell, pity I can't change the title
Girl I went out with tonight and I were getting drinks at the bar, when said said that she was gonna skip her 9am lecture tomorrow. I asked why she said "Its on fungi it gonna be so boring". I said "You love fungi though, you hang out with me." The bartender gave her the pity look.
So at the restaurant where I work, managers are referred to as "PICs" (pronounced "pick"). This stands for Person in Charge. Its stupid, I know. Anyway, I work in the front of house, and I hear my coworker James, who works in the kitchen, yell through the order window; "I NEED TO SEE A PIC. I NEED A PIC OVER HERE! CAN I SEE A PIC?"
I walked over and stared at him through the order window. While maintaining eye contact I slowly inserted my finger into my nose and rotated it. He gaped at me, open-mouthed.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"You asked to see a pick."
And then I laughed for like ten straight minutes while he shook his head in pity.
We were driving through an area we hadn't been to before.
Dad - "Do you know where we are?"
Me - "I'm not sure, but that Church rings a bell."
He gave me a look of both pride and shame with my pitiful joke.
As I'm sure many of you can remember (or not), senior prom was one of the most exciting events of our pre-real world existence. However, in order to get to the actual event, there were three significant steps that needed to be taken care of:
- Sober up enough before actually getting to the venue
- Find a date who wasn't even weirder than you were
- Rent a tuxedo This last part posed quite a bit of a problem to me, mostly because tuxedos can be very expensive to come by. Luckily enough for me, a local formalwear shop had a great deal going on; they would give you massive discounts and even hefty prizes for referring as many of your friends as possible to their business. Eager as I was to save a few bucks, I proceeded to text everyone in my phone's contact list. Almost every one of them neglected to respond to my pitiful pleas of financial assistance, not wanting to get caught up in this scam that I myself had meandered into. Finally, my token black friend, Malik, unwillingly took my bait. He tentatively responded, asking more about what he could get out of the deal for himself. After much persistence on my part, he finally declined, trying his best to let me down gently. As my poor little heart finally broke completely in two, I decided to alleviate the social tension, replying to him, "Alright man, well, suit yourself."
Putting up the Christmas tree:
My little brother: We need to find the star! We need to put it on top right now! Whats a Christmas tree without a star?!?
My dad and I: A Christmas tree without a star.
I'm 17, and already on the same level of humor as my 45 year old dad. I pity my theoretical children for whats coming.
So I work as a cashier at a grocery store. A customer was buying two turkeys and two packages of prime rib, and he asked for separate bagging.
So I replied, "excellent, here at the store we also like to maintain a separation of bird and steak."
Customer laughed a pity laugh. I told everyone. My life is boring.
To set the scene I am in a Walgreens, specifically the shampoo/body wash aisle.
Employee knocks a few bottles of shampoo on the floor
Employee: "Whoops, how clumsy of me."
Me: "At least the bottles aren't glass, that would have been a lot worse."
Employee: "Yeah, that's true."
Me: "Although if they were glass clean-up would've been pretty easy because there would be soap all over the floor."
Employee pity laughs
Best trip to Walgreens ever.
I was working the register (took a pity shift in the front end department) when I ran out of pennies. I paged my boss to come over and get me change.
Boss: Look, you have a penny on your POS, and I have one in my pocket here.
Me: That may not last very long, can I still get change?
Customer: C'mon man, cut the guy a break. He's just putting in his 2 cents on the situation.
His daughter groaned.
Me: "I'm pretty full!" Dad: "You pity da fool?"
So I'm a cashier and I've heard nearly every tired joke that customers say to get a laugh out of me. To be honest, they usually only get a pity chuckle and a half-hearted smile. But this guy... he was one Funny Old Dude
This guy and his wife walk up to my register to check out. They look like they could be older than my grandparents. Him, his wife and I were just make cordial small talk, when my coworker who was a bagger today walks up.
>>Bagger: "Would you like paper or plastic today, sir?"
>>FunnyOldDude: "What was that, son?"
>>B: "Paper or plastic today?"
>>FOD: "What ever you want, man. I'm bi-sack-ual."
I busted out laughing. I never expected to hear that! And definitely not from this old white guy!
They were gonna use a trailer but their hitch set-up didn't have the right electronics for the trailer lights. They ended up just bringing the couch in the bed of a friend's truck. When they arrived I got my father-in-law with, "Too bad the trailer rental didn't work out, but at least you pulled it off without a hitch." He gave me a groan and pity chuckle.
So I just got to Panama City today on business. I'm traveling with 6 other coworkers, and we had a chauffeur pick us up from the airport in his van. There was room for all of us to sit; however there was no room inside the van for all our luggage. The driver decides to store all the luggage on top of the van - only problem is this is Central America and it rains A LOT. One of my coworkers said "I really hope it doesn't rain with all our luggage on top of the van". To which I replied, "Yeah, that would really put a damper on our trip". Needless to say I got a few pity laughs :)
Some people and I were kayaking and we passed a sign with the number 17. I asked what it was and a woman said that it was a mile marker.
So I asked "Do they have mile crayons?"
I got a pity chuckle.
