I'm getting really sick of all the NSFW jokes that have been hitting the front page lately. I know I'm not the only one who feels this either. IF YOU CAN'T TELL THE JOKE TO YOUR KID, IT'S NOT A DAD JOKE. dad jokes are clean, thats why they're dad jokes. If you have an NSFW joke, please refer to r/unclejokes. I'm sorry if I sound whiney, but dad jokes are dad jokes and uncle jokes are uncle jokes.
My 15 year old asked me to call the dog.
Me: What should I call him?!
15: ugh, dad, call him by his name!
Wife: But he doesn't have a phone, how can I call him?
9-year-old: Well he DOES have collar ID!
I couldn't be more proud of that child!
"One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
A Finnish Hymn.
I'm the CIEIO
GI-GI-Joe
What goes after USA?
USB.
Edit: Thanks for the awards and the upvotes! My daughter is going to love this.
She's got the day off from school, and we've been wrangling a little bit over how much of the day she'll spend on her tablet and TV vs. reading and stuff.
She puts her face up against the screen door and cracks a self-satisfied grin and says, "Dad, Dad... is this considered 'Screen-time'?"
They were Goodyears.
Never understood why dads and corny jokes were a thing. I did notice it's a mostly true thing.
But I understand today. Asked my four year old what an 8 is. He doesn't know so I enlightened him that it's a zero with a belt.
Lost. His. Shit. He's just mastered numbers and letters and this was hysterical to him. I'm the funniest man alive. He's told the joke back to me about twenty times. Today.
Teenagers, this is why dads tell those jokes. They're chasing the indescribable high of this moment with a little kid. I found them cringeworthy as a teenager, but I get it now.
The Ruler.
But there's a chance her next bowl movement could spell disaster.
Daughter: "Daddy, this street is so windy and curvy"
Me: "Oh yeah? Is it exciting?"
Daughter: "Yeah, it's like a road-er coaster"
Old Neeeeiiiiighvy
A rainshield? she said.
Nope... an umbrella.
True story. Just happened.
Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.
The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).
My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"
My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!
Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...
Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). 😂
Dad can I have some fries?
You can have A fry.
Well I want B fry.
Niece: are you going to sleep? Me: no Niece: then why are you wearing slee-pers (slippers)? starts laughing
pawndering
To the calfateria.
Baaajamas
With a cowculator!
Giant stood at the top of the hill. Bellow the hill the people called Trids lived. When the trids would go up the hill the giant would just kick them back down the hill. Every time the trids would try and go up the mountain. So they went to a neighboring village and asked the rabbi there to help them. So the rabbi walks up the hill to the giant. Then when the giant didn’t kick the rabbi down the hill right away the rabbi was curious. He asked the giant why he hadn’t kicked him down the hill. The giant said “silly rabbi kicks are for trids”.
Get it? How old are you?
Some are calling it the earliest known example of a home down deposit.
“Nuts,” he replied.
“Great,” I said. “What kind, pecans? Walnuts? Peanuts?"
“No,” he said with a smile, “donuts!”
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
“Two pigs fell in the mud.” He actually laughed at this classic!
I took them for granite.
I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it....
I just can’t get into them.
Bonanza split 😅
That's what she said.
Titaly
She wasn't Impressed when I pushed her over and said it was terrible.
I asked her if that hurt and without even a tear in her eyes… or a smile on her face, she says “uh-huh, now we have to call a toe truck.”
4yo daughter: Do you know what I love more than pizza?
Parents: No, what?
4yo: Mommy and Daddy
Parents: Awe, that's sweet
4yo: I love eating mommy and daddy
Theoretical Fizz-ics
A CANTSeagull!
Private Eyes!
Me: “I may have… why?” My kid: “Great, now you have some gas money”
Kids got better dad jokes than me!
The CIEIO.
Man who run in front of car get tired Man who run behind car get exhausted
Yes, Finnish hymn
It's a Finnish Hymn.
