I was taught to never use the Oxford comma

by Mrs. Henderson, my high school English teacher and a first-rate whore.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Never let your guard down... 🀣
πŸ‘︎ 132
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can pirates never finish the alphabet?

Because they always get lost at C.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_soul1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers

I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pawpaw69420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
You never listen, son.
πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/poedan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife looked at me beaming with pride and said, β€œWow! I never thought our son could go so far!”

I said, β€œI know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?

They prefer carrion

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rahcled
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, occasionally has 12 letters, always has 6 letters, and never has 5 letters.

But nothing tops a cheese pizza.

πŸ‘︎ 169
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JustAnIdea3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I've never been married

but I've had a few near Mrs.

πŸ‘︎ 311
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oh-no-gawdzirra
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Biden will NEVER, EVER be my president

because I live in Canada.

πŸ‘︎ 160
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Only-Lurk-SRD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.

My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.

My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.

4yo: "I like your shirt mama!

Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?

4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"

πŸ‘︎ 867
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shade0217
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
If the old adage "You are what you eat." was actually true, what food would rappers never eat?

An orange, because they don't rhyme.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zeppo_007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a NASA employee that has never reached space?

An Astro-not.

πŸ‘︎ 105
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotSoSasquatchy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Personally, though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

πŸ‘︎ 140
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SydneyCartonLived
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the teacher never fart in public?

He was a private tutor.

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BinBender
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can you never find a hippo hiding in a tree?

Because they are so good at it.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SumOfMostFears
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said I could never make a car out of spaghetti...

You should of seen her face when I drove Pasta.

πŸ‘︎ 97
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HazyDayZ420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Never hear the end of it
πŸ‘︎ 606
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toe-knail
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do developers never put horse-drawn carriages in their games?

They can be buggy

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/109488
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
How come you can never hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because its P is silent.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Wow never thought I'd get this far
πŸ‘︎ 107
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/note_than62
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Never found out why the Spanish train driver crashed his train!

He must have had some sort of loco motive..

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pleasethelions
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are keyboards never tired?

Because they have two shifts.

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dizzie222
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My left knee has never committed a crime.

I can’t say the same for his felony.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nate_hawwk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Used to never be able to use the wifi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.

Now I have a stable connection.

πŸ‘︎ 223
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thirteen_20
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you never believe a clock?

It usually has second hand information

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shywife36
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I just went to get my glasses fixed and you’ll never guess who I ran into when I was there!

That’s right!

.... Everyone.

πŸ‘︎ 145
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kayden_Pauser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
You know why you never hear any good steak jokes?

It's a rare medium, well-done

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I would never be into zodiac signs

Because it’s cancer

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TACOCATOVER9k
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Never run with bagpipes

You could put an aye out, or worse yet, get kilt.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're that good

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/codingInMyDreams
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do exorcists never sue ghosts?

Because possession is 9/10ths of the law.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Therapy_Gecko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you never mess with Santa?

Because he's got a Black Belt!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was complaining that I never buy her jewellery.

I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rfcoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I've never had an eggs benedict at a restaurant as good as the one I can make in my own kitchen.

There's no place like home for the hollandaise.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Laimbrane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
never apollogize
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bitchyswiftie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Found a life hack to never get murdered

Just stay in the living room.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GottaBlast
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Never write sad songs

You’re just making a bad situation verse!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court?

Sediment always settles

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Never trust an amputee

You can’t count on them

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?

rick ash-tree

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/imboredwithlyf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Papa_G_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Never pick a fight with a music teacher

You may think it’s A minor offense, but the punishment could B major

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Apple would never make a house

Because they would have to install Windows on it

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/me_da_Supreme1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Kleptomaniacs never understand jokes.

They always take things, literally.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/halokost
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve never been married.

But I’ve had a few near Mrs.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_fish12
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you never tell jokes on an airplane?

Because they'll just go over everyone's head

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartansATTACK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.