I was taught to never use the Oxford comma
by Mrs. Henderson, my high school English teacher and a first-rate whore.
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
That way you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
I never finish anything
I have a blackbelt in partial arts
Why can pirates never finish the alphabet?
Because they always get lost at C.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
I’ve never understood why baby dogs are called puppies...
When they could be called subwoofers
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
This occurred to me at 1 am and I’ve never been more proud
I always believed that 'sticks and stones would break my bones, but words would never hurt me.'
Until I fell into a printing press.
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins
They have no common cents
Never trust friction.
It will always work against you.
I never remember what people tell me at New Year's parties
It goes in one year and out the other.
I'll never vaccinate my kids, that's stupid, irresponsible, and dangerous.
I'd get the doctor to do it.
Biden will NEVER, EVER be my president
because I live in Canada.
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, occasionally has 12 letters, always has 6 letters, and never has 5 letters.
But nothing tops a cheese pizza.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
You would get Jurasskicked!
My wife looked at me beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son could go so far!”
I said, “I know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”
I've never been married
but I've had a few near Mrs.
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?
You know, owls never go on a date if it's raining.
I never thought The Bumper Book of Farming would be such a difficult bedtime read.
But it's full of words I've never even herbivore.
Keanu Reeves never looks any older
It's like he's a constant teen.
I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.
It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
What couple should you never invite to dinner?
What kind of cheese never does a job to the best of their ability?
Why do you never see people running in Jeans alone?
Because Jeans run in a family
What STD can fishermen never avoid?
If the old adage "You are what you eat." was actually true, what food would rappers never eat?
An orange, because they don't rhyme.
What do you call a NASA employee that has never reached space?
Personally, though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
I have never been defeated...
I still have both of my feet
My wife said I could never make a car out of spaghetti...
You should of seen her face when I drove Pasta.
Why can you never find a hippo hiding in a tree?
Because they are so good at it.
Never spell part backwards
Why did the teacher never fart in public?
So the wife told me I that should know by now she's never wrong.
Is that Korean? High Never Wrong, you should know by now I'm Chris!
Was checking my son's essay about the countryside and saw he kept writing the word 'hll'. So I told him to never forget...
My left knee has never committed a crime.
I can’t say the same for his felony.
Wow never thought I'd get this far
Why do developers never put horse-drawn carriages in their games?
How come you can never hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
My wife is mad because I never buy her flowers.
I didn’t even know she sold flowers!
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
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