Needed Me Puns

So we did it squid pro quo

For Pete's sake, I guess he wants me to pay for it myself!

He said he was going to be involved in a drive by shooting.

I wasn't sure I was ready for that, so I asked her if I could start with amateur-gressive lenses first.

It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth

Well, I wouldn't put it plaster

But I knew it was full of crap.

After that, everything I touched turned into a muffler.

But I had to ask her if I could get an adult-knee instead

It's me, father, I replied.

"Which companies are after you?" my boss asked. "Gas, electric and cable" I responded.

So I bought her an alarm clock with a remote control.

My best friend lives on the East Coast. I’m on the West. He often streams his games over Skype so I can hang out and watch. He was playing the Witcher 3, and fighting the water monster men. I said “They just want to know the shape of you,” and he coincidentally died at that moment.

He got really, really mad. I always knew my puns annoyed him a little, but when I was sad, he’d tell dumb puns he’d google to cheer me up. But he just went into a tangent on how much puns annoy him and how he doesn’t get that I keep doing them over and over again every day whenever I talk with him. Trying to stop or cut back on puns would be pretty difficult and make me sad; I love witty wordplay and commentary, and bottling it up feels awful. But apparently it really, really annoys him.

What should I do?

I had so many things to do today a trim wasn't my mane concern.

She asked me where I put it and I pointed to the table. She says what? Where? I point to the new worlds best dad mug on the table and say " D cup is right here mon"

Im not funny im sorry i tried

So I told it that I recently lost my job and I'm seeing this new woman.

The electric, gas, and water company.

I asked him, "Since when is regular vision not good enough?"

... I knew my days were numbered.

I replied, "Sounds like a personnel problem to me."

So I sent him to camp.

"No, she isnt that ugly"

Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.

1. new friends

I said "No thanks I'm grand, but thanks verstappen"

... I responded, "no thanks, I need to practice my powerlifting."

I told her Phillips head, but to give it back to Phil when I'm finished

She wanted the milk, the whole milk, and nothing but the milk.

He's a subwoofer.

I said that sounds great, I love lighthouses!

A. Goodman is hard to find.

I think she wants to calculate velocity.

"Liquor? I'm just trying to date her!"

I told him that I'd log an entry in the log log.

My Dad: Mom and I are disagreeing...is your truck a Chevy or a Dodge?

Me: Haha it's a Dodge, the other two were Chevys

My Dad: Oh, I thought it was a Chevy. Well, orthopedic shoes...

Me: What? Orthopedic shoes???

My Dad: Yes!

Me: What the hell do orthopedic shoes have to do with my truck? Hahaha

My Dad: Orthopedic shoes...I stand corrected!

Me: facepalm and groan

Love you, dad!

I told her I was just looking. :)

So now I have a gigabit connection.

Me: I'll ab-stain, thanks.

Dad: groan Oh, that one was abdominal.

My mom was showing him pictures of my cousin on her phone that had sent her pictures in front of a famous ice cream parlor back in our hometown. It was the parlor's 9th anniversary and my cousin was pictured in front of a big "9" in the store. My mom was explaining to my dad that the place had been open for 9 years and my dad replies with...

"Wow, that's impressive. How did they get the ice cream to not melt all this time?"

"Well I think you should be using the female room"