Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator
And THAT is a sexual in-your-window!
I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
I just don’t carrot all.
"Will you remember me in a day?"
"Yes I will"
"Will you remember me in a week?"
"Yes I will"
"Will you remember me in a year?"
"Yes I will"
"Ok let me tell you a joke...knock knock..."
I shit you knot
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
when he notices a hot, busty woman on the sidewalk. He approaches her and says, "I'll give you a thousand dollars if you let me bite your nipples." Naturally the woman was reluctant, but concluding that she really needed the money, she agreed. So they go into an alley, she lifts up her shirt and unhooks her bra. He proceeds to bury his face in her breasts, moving and shaking his head. After a full minute of this, she says, "Well? Aren't you going to bite them?" He walks away, saying, "Nah... that's too expensive."
Frick, that's what I like to hear
Her: Ok. Let me take out the wedding video.
4yo: “yep!”
Me: blows on child’s nose.
4yo: eyeroll
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡I walked into a substance abuse clinic for my second meeting yesterday. The doctor knew I had a severe crush on women super heros...today he told me the news.
"Sir I'm afraid it's dire, you need to be checked in immediately for your heroine addiction"
She said,"I am a damn patient!!"
He said, "What's the problem?"
I said, "Well, lately I've been measuring the length of my bowel movements, and they are considerably smaller than what they should be. About 8.5 centimetres smaller, in fact."
He said, "Sounds to me like you need to get out more."
“I live in Spain without the ‘s’”.
This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.
It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the “Bah”.
-
I have a double China without the “a”.
-
Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the “an”.
-
Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.
-
You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the “J”.
-
You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the “Ku”.
-
Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.
-
As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the “Ne”.
All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?
I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the “Den”, of course.
I got there as soon as I can and called her back , “Right. I’m now at the hospital. What do you want me to do now?”
and optimists see glasses as half full.
“Sure you do, when the ones your wearing get wet.”
So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to “put the kettle on” I respond “I can’t, it won’t fit” or if we’re shopping and I’m asked “do you need a bag” I point at her and say “it’s fine I brought my own” there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.
I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).
Because violins is never the answer.
Context: I'm in a DnD campaign, for fifth edition.
So basically, one of my characters told a horrible pun to a planetar (Massive angel-like being) over Sending (A spell letting you communicate over long distances). "Whaddya call a celestial who likes to fish? An angel-er." and then he got asked to put his journal in the box that suddenly appeared behind hm, He complied, and when he got it back his name was gone from the first page of the book, and there was a golden box, that read "Tell me what I've pun, wizard" So I'm assuming he needs to answer in some sort of pun related to his name, Klaus Hallowmantle.
However, my brain is smoother than... I can't think of anything to compare it to all of a sudden. Oh well. Anyone who can help me with this?
I said, “No thanks. I already took one this afternoon.”
The son says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three different pet stores before I found one that sold toucans.".
Interviewer: How do you explain the for year gap in your resume?
Me : I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That's great. You're selected.
Me: Thanks I really needed this yob.
My coworker mentioned he needed to get a quote for 400 mice(Computer mice).
Coworker: "I need to get a quote for these mice."
Me: "I can give you a quote for those mice."
Coworker: "Yeah?"
Me: "Squeak Squeak."
Coworker: *Sigh*
I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:
Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"
Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"
I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).
My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.
Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says “coolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.
Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??
- I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!
Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that “creative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!
but I just need t(w)o vent(s) right now.
Had to visit a mall today. As I was standing on the escalator, someone coughed behind me. I turned around and noticed he was very near. We all know if you need to cough, you must cough far away. So I told him to FAR COUGH. And that’s how the fight started
I want to make a joke about a rich fruit, and so am need to choose a fruit best associated with wealth, riches having lots of money, etc..
Can any of you pun masters help me out?
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
- If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I?
- Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me?
- Can't spell virus without U and I.
- Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin.
- I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there.
- Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink?
- Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T.
credit: some facebook post i saw.
Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich."
Vet: "Ok what's the problem?"
Me: "He's holding his head to one side."
Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?"
Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"
Alright you punny people, I need help. I’m making a cake for a man. It’s his birthday, his wife is having a baby, and it is his last day at his current job. Current job is buying the cake and told me to write something funny including all the occasions. I’m not creative when put on the spot so I have completely drawn a blank on a great pun! Much appreciated!!
At my high school there's an annoying dude who hates puns so if you have any really bad ones I need you to comment...
I'm gonna send him to PUNintentiary!
I won't stop till he PUNches me!
My marketing class is doing a fundraiser for the girls basketball team and it involves chucking rubber ducks.
The event is called chuck a duck and I need as many punny ideas to photoshop into posters as possible.
Also historic events that replace people with rubber ducks helps too.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡If you need me, call me on my shell.
