My wife got mad at me because I wouldnβt stop singing βIβm a Believerβ by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 02 2021
I'm getting hungry
π︎ 5k
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iβm a man, everybody I know says Iβm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iβm a 4-person family
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 28 2021
Iβm about to share a joke thatβll turn r/dadjokes upside down
π︎ 613
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︎ Mar 24 2021
I'm sorry for this
π︎ 532
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
π︎ 387
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︎ Apr 01 2021
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
π︎ 2k
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Idk I'm too single to understand
π︎ 77
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︎ Mar 30 2021
I'm starting to write a book about a tornado disaster
It's just a draft at the moment.
π︎ 298
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
Two horses in a field, one says to the other βIβm so hungry, I could eat a horseβ
The other replies βmoooβ
π︎ 316
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
Her: Iβm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
And Iβm sure he felt the burn too!
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, βIβm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!β I shot back...
π︎ 112
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︎ Mar 29 2021
Iβm driving through England, and will be staying in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
π︎ 98
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
This one is bad. Iβm so sorry.
π︎ 196
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
Iβm sure heβs thrilled
π︎ 50
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︎ Apr 01 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I canβt believe Iβm being evicted for telling a joke about a llama
I guess alpaca my bags and leave
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 04 2021
Dad joke but.. I'm a mother..
What Job did Beethoven get after he died?
He decomposed.
π︎ 296
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I'm here all week! Try the veal!
π︎ 86
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︎ Mar 08 2021
"Hey dad, I'm trans"
"I have no son"
"Thanks for supporting me"
I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me
Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!
π︎ 248
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
People say Iβm a plagiarist.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
BF: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.-- [translation: IβM SORRY]
GF: What's that?
BF: Remorse code.
π︎ 262
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
I'm reading a horror book in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
π︎ 172
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
I'm sorry I'm bad at making puns
π︎ 32
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
My boss just told me that Iβm the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
I'm quite glad I'm not an egg
I do tend to crack myself up
π︎ 18
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︎ Mar 27 2021
I'm on the fence about the COVID-19 vaccine, but the free stuff you can get for showing your vaccination card looks really nice.
I guess it's worth a shot.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
I'm starting my new job as a human chess piece.
The money is great. I'm on knights next week.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
Iβm so excited itβs spring time
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
Iβve recently discovered Iβm terrified of elevators, so Iβm taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but Iβm slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! π€©
π︎ 17k
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︎ Nov 12 2020
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why Iβm not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
βYou just havenβt been cutting it lately.β
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
I'm bald but I still carry around my comb...
I just can't part with it.
π︎ 59
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
So I'm a truck driver...
Whenever I have to sign for paperwork when picking up a load, occasionally I am asked to sign and date the bills. Whenever I'm asked to sign and date them I say "I can't date these, I'm married!"
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
I'm trying to get better at making jokes from blending words together, but all my attempts turn out bad
Despite all my effort, I can't produce more than a poormansteau at best
π︎ 16
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︎ Mar 23 2021
As a guitarist, I'm usually asked what's my favorite solo of all time.
It gets very hard to pick
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
Just told my wife this one after she said she was fat, I'm in trouble
Wife : "I feel fat, do you still love me?"
Me : "I'll love you thru Thikk and thin"
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 04 2021
I'm putting together a book of tried and true recipes, none of which will include thyme as an ingredient.
>!I've decided the title is going to be 'Thymeless Classics'!<.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
Iβm having a hell of a time getting this yoga instructor to leave my house.
Every time I ask her to leave she just says βnamaste.β
π︎ 46
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
I'm worried that the supreme court will lack empathy now that Ginsburg is gone.
Without her they're ruthless.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
My mom has 3 kids. My brother was born a gas, my sister a liquid and I am a solid. Yesterday my mom looked upset so I asked her what was wrong. She said "I'm pregnant"
So I said "Okay, what's the matter?"
π︎ 15
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︎ Mar 29 2021
I had enough of these puns Iβm...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
When I'm running late dropping my kids off at daycare, I call in to my 8am Zoom meeting from my car.
I call it, "phoning it in."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
I told my boss, βSorry Iβm late. I was having computer issues.β
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. Itβs my laptop.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
My doctor told me I'm going deaf
The news was very hard to hear
π︎ 245
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
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