Longing Puns

he had ... a reptile dysfunction

The father is showing his son how to prepare the fishing rod, how to set the line, and how to affix the bait. Father: "Now son, you can use many different kinds of bait. This worm, for example." The father says as he weaves the worm onto the hook and casts the line. Son: "What happens next dad?" As if on cue, the father pulls against the line, calling forth a panicked fish from the water. The son exclaims in amazement, as the father prepares the line for his next cast. He reaches into the tackle box, and beings to attach something to the hook. Son: "Dad, what kind of bait is that?" Father: "This is clickbait son." Son: "What happens next dad?" Father: "What happens next will shock you."

When I worked for a design agency, I had two adamant higher-ups. There was a brand identity project for a new company, and I was in charge of typography, but those two disagreed with my choice of font.

The first one was this stony-looking Peruvian-American man named Esteban Ferrero, but since that's Spanish for Steven Smith, and our company had a rule that everyone has to call each other using nicknames instead of last names, everyone, including himself, just called him Steve. The second one was a Dutch woman with a sharp glare named Evelien van der Berg. She was famous for giving designers a hard time convincing her that their design choices work better than hers. In accordance with the company rules, we called her Eve.

Anyway, I showed Steve my first draft, and he wasn't convinced that I chose LinoLetter as the main font, and told me that I should use a sans-serif font. But I stood by my position that serifs add legibility to printed and digital material, that it fits the company's identity as an organic store, and that it is hard to stand out with a sans-serif. It took a lot of debate, but in the end, Steve was convinced that LinoLetter was acceptable.

A few days later, I showed Eve a more elaborated version, as for the sizes and styles of the font, and the pairing of LinoLetter with Century as the headline font. She insisted that I should have used a sans-serif font for the headline. I expressed my view that LinoLetter is a font with composed and legible shape, and Century, while it is also legible, has flair at larger sizes. She kept disagreeing with me, saying I should use something bolder and more contrasting, like Tungsten. It felt like hours had passed before the conversation went anywhere, so I had to give up and look for a sans-serif font that goes with LinoLetter.

So it goes to show that the one who gave me a hard time was adamant Eve, not adamant Steve.

In the tarot bowl. A threatening bovine on one of these cards is the terror bull. The cards are made out of paper, so they're tearable. When you take the cards out of the bowl, the bowl is now tare-able. But truth be told, this long pun is terrible.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

A πthon

For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max

During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”

I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.

And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”

It’s my dream job.

a punsexual

Because they cantaloupe.

"Inch high knees!" I replied.

您的膝盖骨高2.54厘米

Me why?

My response: "144? That's a gross"

They were Stalin.

No seriously, it is

So I sent him a ‘Get Well Soon!’ card.

but it really grew on me.

Because then it would be a foot

I guess it just runs in the jeans

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

"Same as usual," I replied. "About five foot ten."

I'm going vegan today.

Friend 2: So far, so good

...never a crossword...

The cowch.

but he just keeps saying "me ow"

It feels like ancient history.

Me: "wow ... that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"

Sorry, wrong scrub.

European

Or does it take time to develop?

They were Wright.

Pasta you pervert

She said “well just paint it, Red”.

On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!

I didn’t like it at first but it grew on me

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there's a dog

Spine

"woof" guy replies

Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.

Ankle!

That would have been real crumby.

Edit: thanks for the gifts! I’ve never felt so kneaded.

I said: You know the rules, and so do I.

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

"This is a stick up!"

Eclipse it.

I asked, 'Which is?'

'Exactly', he replied.

Yes it is.

Punintended consequences

We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.

My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.

Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.

At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!

It was a booby trap.

Son: Dad, there's a girl I like. She's so beautiful. I want to go out with her.

Dad: Who?

Son: The girl across our street, Taylor.

Dad: Oh no, you can't! Don't tell Mom, but she's your sister.

The son was furious, but a week passed and he fell in love again.

Son: Dad, I think I'm in love. She's even prettier than the last.

Dad: who?

Son: She lives next door; her name's Ariana.

Dad: Oh son, I'm sorry to tell you this but you can't date her either. She's your sister too! I'm sorry but it happened more than once.

The son was furious and decided to tell his mother.

Son: Mom, I hate Dad! I can't date the 2 girls I'm in love with just because they're Dad's daughters from different women.

Mom: Oh, don't mind what your father said. You can date whoever you want… he's not your father!

"I really missed him."

Stewardess: "The entire time, usually it flies the whole way."

I must have bought the right clothes, even my tracksuit pants.

They would’ve been lunatics.

So I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Looks like someone fell asleep at the Switch.

“The whole time.”

So i packed up my stuff and right

For the first time in my life, everything is falling into place.

Tuna half minutes!

I smelt that sh!t a mile away!

I think I won.

It was an all knight party

So I went for a nice walk through the cemetery

....and I am scared!

We got a long well.

Cucumber

...your sick!

She did not hold Up well.

One Okinawa.

BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!

Because then it'd be a foot

Then it would be a foot.

got it ? :D

Because then it would be a foot."

Because then it'd be a foot!

Because then it would be a foot.

Because then it would be a foot!

Cause then it would be a foot....