I got banned from my local gym

I gues I just didn't work out

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dinnen1
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I wanted to go to the local aquarium to see the new dolphin show, but when I got there I couldn’t get in.

It was closed for training porpoises.

πŸ‘︎ 217
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved

He really raised the bar on that one

πŸ‘︎ 352
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I was really mad when our local pub decided to hang all their dartboards from the ceiling.

It really makes me want to throw up.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My local barber was arrested for dealing drugs in my neighborhood.

I've gone to him for 5 years and I never knew he was a barber.

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever

They said no, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karatebhoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
They opened a haunted house at my local theme park...

I heard business is boo-ming

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Recently bought a pair of shoes from my local drug dealer...

Don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day...

πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/albasolo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I called in an order for pickup at my local vegan grocery, but they said they don't serve devil worshipers...

All I said was: kale, seitan.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sycdan
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
The strangest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
The Chef at our local Italian Restaurant has died...

He pasta away

We cannoli do so much to help

His legacy will become a pizza history

Here today, gone tomato

Sending olive our prayers to the family

His wife, cheese still not over it

No more penne tration for her

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A friend told me the local furniture store had some nice stools.

Upon closer inspection of their samples, I decided they were pieces of crap.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rare_Beat
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RushilPc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Thanks, localization team
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BonsamBesuDMC2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a brawl at a local seafood restaurant.

There were battered fish everywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My mom’s sister runs the local candlelight services for the community

She is a vigil-aunty.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samwyzh
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a kidnapping at my local school today.

It’s ok though, he woke up eventually.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
A local themed Grandad joke from the northeast of England: If you walk to Walker and bike to Byker, what do you do at Wallsend?

You fall off

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwrk92
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I found out the local priest adopted a dog.

He called it Ma.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ferkeshu
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Local brewery has some jokes
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luzob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A local Amish told me he wasn't against progress

As long as it doesn't involve change

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I went to the local recycling center

It was rubbish

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GladAbility1
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Found this pun at my local Subway sandwich shop.
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnorlaxDaCat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants β€œWhy do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good ol’ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!” He was surprisingly vocal...

For a closet racist.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A termite walks into the local pub and asks,

"Is the bar *tender* here?"

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Our local fire station burnt down today.

Apparently, somebody left the irony on.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.

But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/golubeerji
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone just robbed the local wig store

The police are combing the area

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I work as a quality control specialist for my local toothpaste company

every tube so far has been in mint condition

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moredripthanafrog
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
An infamous psychic dwarf has escaped from the local prison!

There's a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainNuge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Our local Lego Store finally reopened after lockdown.

People were lined up for blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I had quite the contentious meeting with the local blacksmith

I had an axe to grind

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
There was an attempted shooting at the local library.

Many people booked it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Our local Five Guys lost some letters on their sign.

With the F and E out, I guess someone quit.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirFister13F
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
They started a poetry class at the local prison...

But I don't know how I feel about it... There are prose and cons

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caddiss_jc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Don’t ever go to the local mountains and try to rent skis.

You can only get snowbored.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7reddituser
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Barack Obama at our local church making continual β€˜Ding Dong’ noises.

I can see why he won the No peace Bell Prize

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnolife
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...

Because all the leaves are brown.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BamaPaul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Found at my local Trader Joe’s.... I mean come on... you laughed... Right?!
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karentorres__
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.

I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I went to a local brewery last night. Said brewery has quite a few IPA style beers.

As we were leaving, wife says "Gee, they have a lot of feral cats." I said "Surprised they don't have a lot of feral rabbits." HUH? Because of all the hops they use!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flylink63
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My local Waffle House has a new insurance plan.

They're now covered and smothered.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pdas1996
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the local school?

It's fine now, he woke up.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report

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