I got banned from my local gym
I gues I just didn't work out
I wanted to go to the local aquarium to see the new dolphin show, but when I got there I couldn’t get in.
It was closed for training porpoises.
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
I was really mad when our local pub decided to hang all their dartboards from the ceiling.
It really makes me want to throw up.
My local barber was arrested for dealing drugs in my neighborhood.
I've gone to him for 5 years and I never knew he was a barber.
I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever
They said no, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow
They opened a haunted house at my local theme park...
I heard business is boo-ming
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
Recently bought a pair of shoes from my local drug dealer...
Don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day...
I called in an order for pickup at my local vegan grocery, but they said they don't serve devil worshipers...
All I said was: kale, seitan.
The strangest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
The Chef at our local Italian Restaurant has died...
He pasta away
We cannoli do so much to help
His legacy will become a pizza history
Here today, gone tomato
Sending olive our prayers to the family
His wife, cheese still not over it
No more penne tration for her
A friend told me the local furniture store had some nice stools.
Upon closer inspection of their samples, I decided they were pieces of crap.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Thanks, localization team
There was a brawl at a local seafood restaurant.
There were battered fish everywhere.
My mom’s sister runs the local candlelight services for the community
There was a kidnapping at my local school today.
It’s ok though, he woke up eventually.
A local themed Grandad joke from the northeast of England: If you walk to Walker and bike to Byker, what do you do at Wallsend?
I found out the local priest adopted a dog.
Local brewery has some jokes
A local Amish told me he wasn't against progress
As long as it doesn't involve change
Yesterday I went to the local recycling center
Found this pun at my local Subway sandwich shop.
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants “Why do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good ol’ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!” He was surprisingly vocal...
A termite walks into the local pub and asks,
"Is the bar *tender* here?"
Our local fire station burnt down today.
Apparently, somebody left the irony on.
An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.
But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
Someone just robbed the local wig store
The police are combing the area
I work as a quality control specialist for my local toothpaste company
every tube so far has been in mint condition
An infamous psychic dwarf has escaped from the local prison!
There's a small medium at large.
Our local Lego Store finally reopened after lockdown.
People were lined up for blocks.
I had quite the contentious meeting with the local blacksmith
There was an attempted shooting at the local library.
Our local Five Guys lost some letters on their sign.
With the F and E out, I guess someone quit.
They started a poetry class at the local prison...
But I don't know how I feel about it... There are prose and cons
Don’t ever go to the local mountains and try to rent skis.
You can only get snowbored.
Barack Obama at our local church making continual ‘Ding Dong’ noises.
I can see why he won the No peace Bell Prize
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...
Because all the leaves are brown.
Found at my local Trader Joe’s.... I mean come on... you laughed... Right?!
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.
I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
My wife and I went to a local brewery last night. Said brewery has quite a few IPA style beers.
As we were leaving, wife says "Gee, they have a lot of feral cats."
I said "Surprised they don't have a lot of feral rabbits."
HUH?
Because of all the hops they use!
My local Waffle House has a new insurance plan.
They're now covered and smothered.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the local school?
It's fine now, he woke up.
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