The local news had a story on wildebeests coming to a screeching halt...

It was braking gnus!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Our local HS music dept was in the news
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeyNow646
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees

They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gizmo734
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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The local Blacksmith got a new dog. When he got him home he made a bolt for the door.

His other dog sat in the corner. It's a boxer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthVarn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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Breaking News: Last night someone drilled a hole into the fence surrounding the local nudist colony.

Police are looking into it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterCrispy
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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Just now, on my local news...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/godlikefarts
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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I saw on the news that someone just broke into my local police station and stole all the toilets.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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Our local flying school is trialling a new programme to teach blind people how to fly.

Can’t see it taking off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/4wwn4h
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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Goddamnit.... Local news portal
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukajda33
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2017
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I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital

It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RavenxMiyagi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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Me and some other guys like to get together at the local supermarket to show off our rare breed black-feathered chickens. New guy today mustn't have understood because...

There was an unexpected white hen in the bragging area

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mittenshape
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Local news reports an armed and dangerous loaf of bread:

they say he's packing wheat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fizzymilkcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Some intense stuff on the news today. There was a kidnapping at the local school!

It was all good they woke him up an hour later.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackthecricketer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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A local town (Bulls, New Zealand) has signs with bull puns scattered across the town at points of interest.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerialMasticator
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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I called my local aviary owner and asked if she had any water birds for my new backyard pond.

She told me she had a bad experience with some water birds and doesn't sell them anymore. I angrily told her that a real aviary owner would sell water birds too. >!She said she and has no egrets.!<

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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Dad's version of the local news

Dad: So I heard that two guys drowned in [random town] this morning...

Me: That's horrible! What happened?

Dad: Apparently, they were in a kayak and they lit a fire which caused it to sink.

Me: ...that doesn't sound like a good idea...

Dad: Yea well, it just goes to show you can't have your kayak and heat it too....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samanna
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2014
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In local news, a golfer brought an extra pair of socks to the field today

Just in case he got a hole-in-one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GhostFreak777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
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My local cemetery is looking to resell mine and my wife’s burial plots to a new buyer...

We’re in grave danger

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jardnose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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My friend got a new job removing italics from reader correspondence at the local paper...

He gets to right letters to the editor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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I heard the local country club has a brand new driving range...

I want to swing by and see it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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Dad joke makes it to my local news article's headline.

http://imgur.com/a/6XENi

(First time posting here, I hope posting a screenshot/imgur link alone doesn't violate any rules! Thought this would be quite a unique post to contribute to the sub.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefreshp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2016
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Feeling a little low, I decided to peruse the local record shop for a new addition to my music collection.

Drifting down the alphabetised rock section, nothing really appealed to me from A-M. Disappointed, I moved around to the other side of the rack when suddenly I felt uplifted, content and at one with the universe. I had reached Nirvana.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yetanotherrob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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Found this in my local paper about Ed Sheeran playing in New Zealand.
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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The local school board just purchased a powerful new microscope for the high school biology lab...

It's completely changed the way students look at life!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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I recently bought some new shoes off the local drug dealer

I’m not sure what exactly he laced them with, but I’ve been trippin’ all day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andyh10s
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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A great fugitive name found on CBS local news.

Lee County, FL, local news announced the arrest of Richard Freshwater.

Reporter: "Officials say they've been searching for Freshwater for over a month."

My Dad: "Damn, they must've been really thirsty."

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2014
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Local news anchor just dropped this one in regards to the temperature

"Cue up the Nirvana because we're living in the 90s!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElasticDawg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2014
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Watching the local news with Dad

While watching the local news, the meteorologist tells us how hot it got today and he didn't say what it would be like tomorrow. My dad proceeds to say, slightly irritated. "If you know so much about the past, why didn't you become a History teacher"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RecycledCan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2013
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My local news anchor this morning regarding a car driving into a Great Clips

"It was a hairy situation at Great Clips..."

It took me a second to catch it but when I did I had to chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCP100
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2014
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Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
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Breaking news .... All the toilets from the local police station have been stolen.

A spokesman said currently the police have nothing to go on

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoebread
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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*NEWS FLASH* All commodes stolen from local constabulary.

Police have nothing to go on...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
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