So I walk into the kitchen and see my Dad grab a big knife to cut some vegetables. "Whoa Dad, thought you just drew a knife on me." He proceeds to grab a sharpie and draw a knife on my forearm, then continues his vegetable chopping.
He trips on every metaphor he stumbles across
Me: “I said I was INTO RESTING!”
Me: When did my resume learn to talk?
A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
I asked her, "Who's Literally?"
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
They make up everything.
I was proud.
He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”
There would be mass confusion
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
A small medium at large
Because they always take things literally.
That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday
So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:
At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit — the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.
Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me — I’ve never been one to split hares
Everyone dies after a punch line.
He always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean.
She looked at me and asked why I called it a "Jessica".
I told her because it's two almonds.
You might even say.....
Almond Brothers.
(This literally just happened. She rolled her eyes so hard they twitched some.)
They just ransomware.
They literally make up everything.
She literally could not even
Because they don't believe in a higher power.
