Lied Puns

Now that's what I call structural integrity

HA! Got em.

It was a fibula.

everyone else was wearing clothes

I just couldn’t teller

When they found out, I was dismembered.

“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.

It was a tearable fabrication!

He’s been milking it for years.

He told me there was a paper jam at the printer, but when I got there I didn't hear any music.

No, that's not true.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

But that was just a cover for my story.

"I'm exactly dis honest," he said.

It was a major "faux pa"

A nervous wreck

What, the actual Fuck.

Inflation

Smurf poop

people always said that they could see right through him!

but they must tell the tooth!

AntiHistoryMemes

I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.

Getting karma should be easy as cake

Edit: It’s a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!

A centipede

Doc said it was prostrate cancer.

Guess I'm prone.

I can tell when they're standing too.

Polly Graff

No, pigs do that!

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

         One says, “We’re saved! We can ask him for directions!” His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
          “Doesn’t something seem off to you about this man?” he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
          “What do you mean?” said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
          “I mean we can’t trust a thing he says. He’s a pathological lier.”

A Liability

A dead centipede

A nervous wreak.

They always mean everything.

After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me ever again

It was a double-hedged sword.

"I'm measuring your patience!"

When I bought some they came in a box, guess I was lied to

Bob.

(It’s padre’s birthday and he just dug that one out of the depths of his memory...)

A lion lion

I call it the true true train

Because it got stuck in a crack

They lied, everyone else had their clothes on

. . . and then it struck me.

Matt

I hadn’t the foggiest idea what I mist.

When it makes a False move.

That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner.

“Where were you during school hours?” He asks.

“At school!” His son replies.

The robot slaps the boy.

“Ok I was at my friends house....” His son says.

“What were you doing there?

“Reading comics!”

The robot slaps the son again.

“Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie...”

“What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims.

The robot quickly slaps him.

His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“

The robot slaps the wife.

He made a grave mistake.

I have to level with them

"Where the fuck is my roof?"

My son replied, “Why would I lie to August? That’s not nice.”

I got dad-schooled.

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time.

She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so.

We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today.

I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer.

But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship.

The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie...

She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.

FACT U!

A nervous wreck

It always tastes like paper.

She still regrets letting me name the twins.

Natalie

I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.

Edit: Thanks for the Silver :)

A garbage truck

Jumbaliar

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

She said she’ll be able to pull some strings.

Grass, I lied about the wheels

Russle.

chequemates ;)

This evening’s definitely looking up

“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

I can tell when they’re standing too.

Matt.

A nervous wreck.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

Matt.

Matt.

They lied, everyone else has clothes on

He made a grave mistake.