There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.
“Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. “Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”
“A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. “Let us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.
“I see”, said the student. “It’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”
“That’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. “You just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”
His students registered dismay and anguish.
“Isn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.
“Ahm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. “Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.
“So you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, “Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”
Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. “And he”, he said, turning to his students, “is clearly the gradi
... keep reading on reddit ➡Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.
so here goes...
(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)
daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?
me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?
daughter: elizabeth-gramma.
me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?
(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)
daughter: don't know, who?
me: my mum.
(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡Tyre 1: How you feeling about the big trip tomorrow?
Tyre 2: I'm pumped.
There once was a singer of old
Who then broke away from the fold
He won't give you up
He won't let you down
In short, you have been limeRick Rolled
One says to the other “Lets go eat our fill in seeds and worms.” They swoop down and do so.
Once all fat and happy they find a spot under a tree with the perfect amount of sun, and bask in the sunlight.
An alley cat rolls in and seeing the two birds. Thinking about how he hasn’t eaten in days, and sees two fat birds in front of him, he creeps up, and gobbles them in one fell swoop.
In the aftermath, he takes their spot in the sun, and as he’s laying down to nap he says “Man... I sure do love Baskin Robins.”
"Let me show you how to make an egg roll, son."
Picks an egg
"Take an egg, put it on the table, and just push it!"
It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.
Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasn’t a pretty picture. The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didn’t stick and the jury let him roll off clean.
Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?
Dad: Let's see it.
Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?
Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?
Dad: I have no idea.
Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):
It's a tie, dad.
I like to let the good times roll.
> We had to let the driver go. Heads did roll.
I went with my parents to see my uncle who was just transferred to my university's hospital.
The nurse walks in and starts talking to us. Somehow the topic of genetics came up and she said "huh, I guess you got the good genes then!"
I looked down and pulled at my jeans. "I guess they're alright."
She rolled her eyes, smiled, and then let out a laugh. My dad was cracking up in the other corner of the room. I think I made him proud.
My personal favorite is: "Hey did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off?" "Oh, don't worry. He's all right now."
It lets you add a lot of different flare, especially if you're looking at your phone and you make it sound like a news story or something.
So what's your favorite dad joke?
EDIT: Thank you everyone, I've gotten a good chuckle out of all of these! It's been a rough couple of days, but these all cheered me up. I'm going to be recycling them... My girlfriend eyes are gonna be rolling overtime tonight. I'd feel sorry, but my girlfriend probably doesn't want me feeling anyone but her.
She threw some of her lunch at me and goes "LETTUCE!"
I replied with "let us what?"
I had 6 pairs of eyes rolling simultaneously, along with a groan from another room. Haha
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Puns for Kids
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit ➡Riding home with my girlfriend (now wife because of this) and we crossed over some railroad tracks. I let out a loud, "hmmmm."
She said, "What?"
Me, "A train must have just come through here."
She, "How do you know that?"
Me, "Because it left its tracks."
Me laughing hysterically, I could actually hear her eyes roll.
One of my favorites and eight years later, we're still together. The ladies love dad jokes.
She's got an iPhone 6S and wanted a case, so I let her know she could also try and iPhone 7 case, but it covers the headphone jack.
Wife: I really like this one
Me: Now are you really okay with it covering the headphone jack?
Wife: oh this one doesn't, it's open at the bottom
Me: Huh. So it's on a case by case basis?
Let's just say I got my daily recommended value of eye roll.
The dad says, “I bet if you pop one of those balloons she’ll let out a little wine.”
His wife just rolled her eyes and went back to watching her daughter, while the dad laughed to himself.
No, I'm half left.
My fiance told me last night, while discussing terrible but great jokes, that her dad would let that one rip all too frequently when she was younger. Much eye rolling. I think it's hilarious and will pass on the tradition when we spawn smaller humans.
Me: let me go get some tape Wife: eye roll
Last night I had to go to my son's 6th grade band concert. He plays the trumpet. Most of the band, like my son, only started playing their instruments this year so the quality was far less than professional.
We walked out of the school together and he had a hop to his step feeling really proud. It was a shame to tell him that I could barely see him let alone hear him by the squeaks and honks him and his classmates created.
I rubbed his hear and asked, "You play the trumpet, right son?"
He gave me a strange look. "You know I do, dad."
"So, you got to toot your own horn tonight, huh?'
His eye roll was worth it.
The nice part was being able to retell it to my older step daughter who giggled at my joke. A two for one!
Back in the 90s, I remember playing some N64 after school when my dad came home from work. He comes into the living room and asks me what's up and, as a teen, I say "nuthin" and keep playing while he just stands there. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see he's looking at me with a stupid grin on his face that's he's trying to suppress poorly. Finally, he asks me to pause the game. I turn to him and he asks "You want a Hertz donut?" I obviously know this joke, but to make it worse, he's already making a fist, ready at his side. I roll my eyes and say "No, I do not want a Hertz donut." He just relaxes his hand and says surprised "Oh, you don't? You sure?" I say I'm sure and he says okay and walks back out to his car, leaving me to return to my GoldenEye. A few seconds later, he comes strolling back in the room, with a box of a dozen donuts in his hand, while he's eating one, with the same stupid grin on his face. On the box of donuts, "Dunkin" has been crudely crossed out and Hertz written beneath it in Sharpie marker. He walks into the kitchen saying "Guess you won't be having these Hertz donuts!" I'm in awe. I follow him into the kitchen and he finally relents and lets me take a donut. I ask him "So, you bought these donuts, and just put this joke together on the way home?" He says he thought of the joke earlier in the day at work and had to buy the donuts for the bit. I start laughing hysterically thinking about him sitting at work itching to leave to pull this off. As we sit there, quietly eating these donuts, he breaks the silence with a mouth full of donut, with "Had to stop at CVS to pick up a Sharpie too." I almost choked on the donut jimmies.
TLDR: Dad offered a Hertz donut, should've taken him up on it.
I told her, 'Let's go into the living room and toss about these leftover rolls!' She gives me a funny look, takes the bait and asks why. I reply....
'Then we'd be...'
'Roll playing!'
A few days ago I set the tent up outside to clean it out. Yesterday my son's friend noticed I had missed a tent peg and let me know. I looked at him and said, "I guess that was a big missed stake." He just rolled his eyes as I laughed!
Edit: how do you not know him?
"Knock Knock"
"Who's There?"
".......Knock Knock."
"Who's There?"
".....Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"......Is anyone going to let the deaf guy in?"
(Repeat the pattern until you get the desired eye roll."
So dad comes home from work and shows me how his tie has the long part at the front, and the short part at the back for tightening, and he says,
"Now if I roll these parts up to the top, together, and then let go, which part will unroll and hit the bottom first?"
"Um, the shorter part?"
He looks down, rolls up his tie, releases it, then looks up at me.
"It's a tie!"
He walks up to the teller. Her nametag says "Patricia Wak". He says, "Hey there, Patty, I'd like a loan." She replies, "Okay, for how much?"
"Ten dollars."
"I'm sorry, but I can't authorize that."
"Really? Well, what if I give you this?"
He hands her a clam with a top hat and googly eyes.
"Um... What is this?"
"Alright, alright. What if I told you my dad was Mick Jagger?"
"I can't give you a 10 dollar loan, it's simply against policy."
"Alright, I'll tell you what. Go talk to your manager, and bring the clam with you. He'll let you give me a loan."
Patricia walks into the back office and tells the manager the story. He immediately says "Alright, give him the loan."
"I'm sorry, but why this time?"
"Well (picking up the clam), it's mainly because of this, and also because of his dad."
"What is it exactly?"
"It's a knick knack, Patty Wak, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!"
My dad's favourite.
He's normally filled with dad jokes, but today was a bit more than usual.
Physics problem about horse pulling cart
Teacher stands up on table and makes horse noises
Class laughs
Teacher: What? I'm a horse! It's a bit of a long tale!
Class laughs
Teacher: but, let's stop horsing around and get to the mane point!
Student: You're on a roll today Mr. Teacher!
Teacher: No, I'm on a table!
Later on in class
Teacher: As you can see forces come in pairs! Pulls out a pear and opens it up revealing F and -F on each side
And then later on
Student: Hold on Mr. Teacher, I'll fix the calculations.
Teacher grabs onto desk
Teacher: When can I stop holding on?
Just a typical day in physics for me.
I wanted to make my Dad a chainsaw for Christmas, but I'm not sure if we have the saw and I don't want to ruin a perfectly good chain for it.
Can anyone think of another dad joke gift, like a quarter pounder with cheese?
EDIT: I did the quarter-pounder with cheese. I used little rubber bands, (The kind kids make bracelets from) popsicle sticks and a rolled-up piece of sturdy paper. If anybody wants to make it, let me know and I'll go into more detail.
After finishing his chores, A***** asked if he could finally play Destiny on his XBOX. It was followed by yelling from his bedroom.
Me: "What's wrong?!"
Him: "The server is down!!"
Me: "I guess it just wasn't your Destiny to play the game this morning."
And then I let out a loud mom-laugh and he rolled his eyes and everything in my world was right again.
It said cancer likes to thrive in an acidic environment. The article rated popular bottled water brands to show their pH balance. Evian had the lowest acidity so it was considered the best to drink.
I turned to him and said, "Let me get this straight. The article is essentially saying, 'It's all about that base.'"
Eyes were rolled and soft chuckles were had. Although we're brothers, we agreed that was definitely something dad would say.
I was at my parent's place picking up my little munchkin, when my dad walks up grinning from ear to ear.
Dad: "Hey son, I came up with a new million dollar idea! Want to hear it?"
Me (already rolling eyes): "Sure let's hea--"
Dad: "Well you invent a device that lets you paint pictures on a TV with a remote control. You know, really explore your creativity!"
"I call it Mozart."
He then snorted and slapped his knee.
Girlfriend: "What goes well with Cider?"
Me: "........ In" (think to myself "oh god, now that's just stupid")
Girlfriend: "wat?"
Me: "In" (I'm ashamed)
Girlfriend: "wat?"
Me: "Insider!" (as I let out a sigh and shake my head at my fail)
Big awkward laugh, huge eye roll and a "omg you're such a child"
So mom and dad have my wife and my kid along with my sister's kid out whale watching and sent us a photo of orcas they saw. This followed...
Me: killer view!
Siss: killer view!
Me: are you thinking the same as me OR CAn you not think of anything unique and are copying me on porpoise
Me: I mean I’m having a whale of a time
Me: Did you FINish?
Me: Does your boat have a motor anD/OR SAIL?
Mom (probably dad's joke tho): You are on a roll
Me: Not sure I have many lines left actually
Me: Actually I’m beginning to waver on that statement
Me: Though it seems siss has bowed out of the conversation.
Me: Maybe she’ll come up with something after I’m done
Me: have you guys SEAn (sic) anything other than orcas?
Mom: Humpback
Me: good day for that!
Wife: Very cool!
Me: Definitely looks chilly
Wife: 20 texts... Wow
Me: Definitely an imPORTant thread to watch
Me: like how i cap-size my text to make the joke obvious?
Me: siss’ silence is fishy tho
Mom: You definitely LANDed them
Me: They just come to me and I let em sail
Me: To admit some are a bit ridockulous
Me: Which can make them tough to catch
Me: but I’ll keep tossing them out there anyway for the few that land
Me: I think we lost the point of the conversation though
Me: Let's coral it back
Me: I'm being far too shellfish by uslurping it like this
Me: But Siss did have the gull to keep repeating me
Me: Buoy that one was bad
edit: formatting
I like to let my beard grow at the end of the summer before I have to see students again. Usually I trim it back to normal some time around now, but I was looking at it in the mirror last night and told my wife:
"you know, I wasn't sure I like the beard but... it's really growing on me"
needless to say, she groaned, rolled over and refused to talk to me the rest of the night!
As my dad rolls up to take me to lunch I text him "hold on, nature calls" as I walked to take a dump. 2 minutes later I get "I think you're the one that needs to hold on, just remember to let go."
Me: I'm thinking about switching to T-Mobile. I've heard they let you use data, text, and talk with no fees while in Europe and Canada.
My GF: Oh? You won't be roaming?
Me: Nope! Not even when I'm in Rome!
eyes roll, grumbles galore
Our assignment was to swab each of our left hands and then use one of four handwashing protocols, (i.e., hand sanitizer, antibacterial soap, etc.) and come back two days later to observe the difference on Petri plates. So we come back and we're all looking at each other's plates and a girl asks me, "Can I see your hands? Where are they?" to which I responded, "They're right here at the ends of my arms!" and held up my hands. The entire group let out a sigh and rolled their eyes.
My dad would gather us around in a circle, claiming to be a magician. Then, he would roll up his tie yelling, "Which part of the tie will drop first, the big or the small!" We would guess while he's rolling up the tie. He lets it go and yells, "IT'S a TIE!"
Just went to this new class and started conversing with random people, then this girl says that her dad is in Turkey.
Girl: "Yeah, he's a lawyer and travels a lot"
Other classmate: "Oh that's cool, does he ever bring you anything from the places he visits?"
Girl: "Yeah he normally does."
Me: "Let me guess, I bet this time he'll bring you Turkey!"
To which some classmates rolled their eyes and she smiled and said she was a vegetarian, but it was a funny joke. I think I made a great first impression.
The newly wedded couple's flight home last night was delayed from bad weather. She sent a group text this morning, letting us know they arrived safely. Of course, Dad responds, "Bet your arms are TIRED!"
No one said anything, so he added "Because you just flew in from Tampa!"
I could practically hear the eye roll from the airport.
