A woman gets on the bus..

A woman gets on the bus with her baby, and the driver says:

"Jesus wept lass, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Understandably, she's very upset. But she goes and sits down toward the back next to a nice old lady.

The old lady next to her leans in as she sits down, she heard the whole thing, and she says to her:

"I wouldn't take that if I were you petal... If I were you, I'd go back up there and rip him a new one!... Go on love... ... I'll hold your monkey"

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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Did you hear about the pirate who had a sword he only used on women?

It was a cut-lass

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrDobble
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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What do you call a female pirate who's pretty good with swords?

A cutlass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schattenreich
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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What do you call a lady elf who likes building things?

A Lego lass

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πŸ‘€︎ u/braxistExtremist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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What could an elven archer and a girl made from plastic blocks possibly have in common?

They both could be Lego-lass

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MysteryOrange7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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The Pundits - Part 1

A quaint little men's class,

a few with class,

some smelling of a gin glass,

some with eyes of a lass,

the remainder eyeing a lad,

but all glad,

and all present,

youngster of the present,

bearders of the crescent,

readers new testaments,

preachers of old testaments,

bearers of saffron tenets,

wearers of white tints,

weird lovers of croissant,

well, all here, will all hear?

we never know,

lets look at the show

 

The English teacher, said,

"how to drink a juice?"

i know, said bart the bartender,

"with vodka and chicken tender"

the weirded beardo now angry,

showed he was a shouter,

wanted to be a bart-ender,

while shushing the crowd,

use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,

"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,

"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,

"no sir" said the voice,

I'm extra maker,

spoke the voice quicker,

Mr.White scratching head,

"I'm an ex-straw maker",

the air cleared.

 

Proceeding further, Teacher continued,

the class was listening, eyes glued,

"etiquette is important" he said,

"wear napkin before eating",

their faces changed,

pulse now beating,

Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",

an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,

"if you bleed, education you don't need"

the English sir, now a sundered bloke,

calmed the masked fish market,

as his God's fate chisel hammered,

"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,

a brief silence, and too many whispers later

"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,

"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,

with damage now done, Silence resumed.

 

>ThePundits

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themadraspaiyan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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You can't have Molasses...

...until you've had some lasses

Just wanted to say that this dad joke has been passed down through four generations of dads, me being the fifth once I have a kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePinkWombat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
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Not a dad but giving it my best shot...

So if Lego decided to make a Hunger Games set, would Katniss be considered a...

Lego Lass?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikaosol
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2014
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Dad joked my friends today

So i recently got glasses and I decided to quote Velma "My glasses My glasses, I can't see without my glasses!" But my friends thought I said Uncle lasses and asked me who was that, to which I replied, he's Ma lasses brother! Oh the groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoliArmrest
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2014
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Lady Killer

My wife was playing a video game and got a sword called a "pirate's cutlass," which prompted the following:

Me: "That sword will only hurt girls."

Wife: "What are you talking about?"

Me (while wiggling my eyebrows): "Well, it says it's a cut-lass!"

Wife: groans and rolls eyes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kael_godkiller
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
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My manager is definitely a Dad.

I work at a Starbucks as a barista. I can't tell you which seasonal drinks were about to start on nov 11th or 12th, but I can tell you one of them has a molasses drizzle topping.

Today, a guest comes up and asks if we have any molasses. My manager's response:

"Molasses? How can I have molasses if I never had any lasses to begin with?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorinaBox
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2013
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